Hello people of Earth.
We hope all is well with you at this time.
If not, this week’s predictions will fall right into place for you.
They involve Pit Bulls, Groucho Marx, and of curse a rotten rind.
Aries… The Sun is in tri-modal position now. That’s not good. In the future, you will have the urge to return to the hospital where you were born and demand a refund on yourself.
Taurus… Uranus is in juxtaposing to Taurus now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will have the urge to get even with someone by being odd.
Gemini… Neptune is in dire need of therapy right now. That’s means trouble. In the future, you will write a bestselling book called, “Pit Bulls And Pierogis”. Only a few lonely Polish folks will buy a copy. You will not be happy about the whole thing.
Cancer… The Moon is in half aspect now. That’s unfortunate. In the future, you will be involved in a chain reaction. Relax; it will only be a tarnishing event. But, your friends will eventually pawn you for a few dollars.
Leo… Mars is in its fifth house now on an alcohol binge. That’s always bad. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “Gaucho, The Sixth Marx Brother, (Twin of Groucho)”.
Virgo… Jupiter is aligned with Neptune now. Too bad for you. Someday, you will join a religious group. You will later blame all your misfortunes on your altar ego.
Libra… Mercury is in its third house at this time suffering from an allergic reaction to space dust. That always foretells problems. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “Ear Wax Sculpture For Fun And Profit”. You will lose all when sales drop from two to zero. Depression will set in.
Scorpio… The Earth is in its fourth house now and it’s on an eating binge. Hmmm. That’s never good. You will make millions with your book entitled, “Meandering for Fun and Profit”.
Sagittarius… Venus is post-uranal at this time. That portends problems for you. Your enemies are secretly planning to flash freeze you, so bring a heavy jacket, and gloves.
Capricorn… Saturn is rising now, but a bit too early in its orbit. That’s not good. One day in the future, you will make plans for a pouting party. Dennis Miller will be there.
Aquarius… Pluto is in retrograde and on the cusp of Aquarius at this time. That’s never good. One day, you will be convinced that you must devise a way to attack a rotten rind from behind.
Pisces… Mars is trine with Pisces now. That’s never good. Soon you will shout from the pain of gout while you are out and about. Sorry about that.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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