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horoscope chart







Good day, dear friends of prognostication.

Another week has flown by the wayside.

Here we are dishing up another plate of premonitions based on the latest Astro-illogical charts we could find.

This weeks forecasts include actors, hairy fish, and of course a white rabbit.


Aries… The Sun is in high triangulation with Aries at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will blame all that goes, or has gone wrong in your life on the Troglodytes and Dennis Miller. Your friends and family will get fed up with your ranting and abandon you.

Taurus… Saturn is in its fourth house now feeding the tropical fish. One has died, and Saturn is upset since it was a favorite. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend lots of time and money attempting to grow hair on fish to keep them warm in cold waters.

Gemini… The Moon is in low angular agitation now. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will have the compulsion to stalk either Goldie Hawn, or James LeBron. It could go either way. It won’t end well for you. Have money available to bond out of jail.

Cancer… The Earth is nearing the cusp of Cancer but in juxta-conjunction to Mars. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop a tendency to yawn while in the john. It won’t be pleasant.

Leo… Mars is in retrograde and bipolar now. That’s not a good sign for you. Someday, you will awaken after being hypnotized to find yourself kitting a ham dinner for your family. It will have the taste and smell of wet wool. Sorry.

Virgo… Mercury is destabilized at this time. That foretells problems for you. In the far future, a band of roving actors will stop you and demand to see your part. It won’t go well for you.

Libra… Venus is tri-circumferent at this time. That portends trouble for you. In the somewhat distant future, you will awaken one morning with the secrets of the universe locked in your head, but you won’t remember the combination.

Scorpio… Jupiter has shifted to a tri-genic orbit at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will survive a mine explosion without a scratch. But, you will be injured when you experience a mime explosion. Sorry about that.

Sagittarius… Pluto is bipolar at this time. That’s never good for you. Be sure to have a towel with you at all times. In the future, you will bungle the bath of a bunny in a bungalow. It won’t end well.

Capricorn… Uranus is triamenic to Capricorn at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the near future, you will encounter Yoda, or Yoyo Ma. It could go either way. In either case, one or the other will bring you bad news.

Aquarius… Mars is adjacent to Aquarius but at an odd angle. That will bring you problems. In the distant future, our loved ones will worship the ground you walk on, but despise you. Sorry.

Pisces… Saturn is trine with Pisces and in opposition to it. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will have a case of pink eye just after you change into a white rabbit.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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