Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

Hello, hello my friends of the future world.

Once again we meet on this WP platform, which has been wobbly from time to time.

I’m sure you are ready for this week’s listing of prognostications of tomorrow and beyond.

It includes bears, fiber, and of course a eyebrows.

I hope you can endure it, cause I can’t cure it.

Enjoy, my friends… 

Aries… The Moon is in Aries now and is feeling nauseous about it. That’s never a good sign. Soon, you won’t know the difference between the soup du jour and some old Ensure, but your taste buds will. Yuck.

Taurus… Mercury is tri-congenital now against Taurus. That portends problems for you. One day, you will fall in love with a muffin top. You will double date with a Babka lover. Your friends and family will think you are weird and shun you.

Gemini… Neptune is rising at a much slower rate than usual. That’s not good. Someday in the future, your life will be full of sunshine as you hurtle toward the sun. Ouch!

Cancer… The Sun is in Astro projection and square with Cancer at this time. It foretells trouble for you. Someday, your lover will shower you with rose petals…after you’re thrown on a compost heap. Good luck with that.

Leo… Mars is contra-square with Leo now. That’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will lose everything when you put all of your money into an “Earlobe Lock” investment.

Virgo… Venus is waning now and whining about it. That will bring you trouble. In the future, you will eat so much fiber that one morning you will awaken to discover you have turned into a rope. You will become depressed, but cowboys will love to twirl you. Good luck with that.

Libra… Saturn is juxta-polar position now. That foretells problems for you. Not long from now, you will find yourself in a fog bank. You will become depressed when you realize you aren’t earning interest on any of your deposits.

Scorpio… The Earth is cross linked with Scorpio at this time. That’s never a good sign. One day you will be showered with hugs from a band of roving grizzly bears. Ouch!

Sagittarius… Uranus is in non-objective tangentation to Sagittarius now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will write a bestselling book called, “How To Chant Your Way To Success”. Only a few Yoga instructors, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will then chant your way into depression. Sorry.

Capricorn… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars now and that isn’t good for you. Not long from now, you will awaken to find you have been transformed into an Iron-on patch fastened, on the rear end of a pair of pants, worn by a long haul truck driver. Yuck.

Aquarius… Venus is on the cusp of Aquarius but semi-conjunctive. That’s a horrible sign. You will not be happy when an eyebrow tech, or a harpist plucks you. Ouch!

Pisces… Pluto is back in court with its lawyer with a new petition to make it a planet again. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. One day you will wake up with a permanent smile on your face. People will think you are devious. They will shun you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

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