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Archive for September, 2015

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 27th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back friends of the future.

Once again, we here at, HORROR-Scope Central, have scoured the charts in search of the latest interpretations to tickle your fancy.

We have compiled the latest list of prognostications guaranteed to satisfy even the most skeptical of soothsayers.

And, it’s all here for you, my wise followers, and occasional seekers of truth and deception.

This week’s list includes, a leg of lamb, some balloons, and of course, spelunkers.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is in projected di-urnal now. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the near future, you will brag to your friends that you saved three dollars by running home behind the bus you normally take. You will become depressed when one of your friends tells you that you could have saved fourteen dollars if you ran home behind a taxi.

Taurus… Mars Is trans-jected against Mercury now. That always makes problems for a Taurus. One day, you will meet and fall in love with a balloon artist. You will regret it later when you realize that you are always out of breath.

Gemini… Saturn is nearing its transcendence now. That foretells problems for you. Not long from now, you will follow a follicle to your folly. No further information is indicated in the charts. Sorry.

Cancer… Cancer is semi-conjunctive with the Moon now. That’s never good for you. One day, you will find yourself at a fork in the road while whistling, “Mack The Knife”. It will be a dangerous situation, but your injuries will only be superficial.

Leo… The Sun Is tri-urnal to Leo, but wants to be diurnal. That portends problems for you. When you least expect it, you will meet someone hot, named Potts while visiting a famous panhandle. You will get burnt by him. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Mercury is tri-genical to Virgo at this time. That’s a bad sign for you. One day, your friends and family will think you are odd when you start dating a leg of lamb. Later they will bring you mint sauce to appease you.

Libra… Neptune is post-conjected to Leo now and that’s never a good sign. One day in the future, you will find yourself going door-to-door, selling a book called, “The Psychology Of Flatworms”. Everyone except Dennis Miller will think you are odd and shun you. Let us know how that works out.

Scorpio… Pluto is tri-urnal to Scorpio now. That foretells problems for you. Your friends and family will think you are weird when you become obsessed with eating scrapple while playing Scrabble. You will be shunned. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Venus is in counter-objection to Mars at this time. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. One day you will Flamenco with a flamingo. It won’t end well when the bird decides to find another partner, but not before it attacks you with its vicious claws.

Capricorn… The Earth is tri-orbital to Capricon at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “Cooking With Bat Guano”. Only a few spelunkers will buy a copy. You will end up with an intestinal infection. It won’t be pleasant.

Aquarius… Uranus is nearing its transcendence now and that always foretells problems. One day, you will have a horrible nightmare. In it, the Energizer Bunny will try to charge you by plugging you into a wall socket. It won’t end well. You will awaken frightened and paranoid of all batteries.

Pisces… The Moon is approaching retro-jected di-urnal now against Pisces. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will start a new business collecting exotic mustaches. People will think you are odd and avoid you. You will become depressed. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: Sept. 25th, 2015


 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014. The link is:

https://ronyaroshauthor.wordpress.com/2014/11/04/fortune-cookie-fortune-for-today/?preview=true&preview_id=1870&preview_nonce=733c1575df&post_format=standard

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“A rose by any other name would be confusing.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Kirk Trumps Trump


I saw this photoshopped photo floating around the web.

I thought some of you might like it, especially early, Star Trek fans. 

It’s from the episode, “The Trouble With Tribbles”.

Enjoy…

Kirk -Trump

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 20th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here we are once again dear friends.

We offer this week’s prognostications, crafted and molded just for you.

This week’s fortunes include warts, yodels, and of course, a cyberbot.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is bi-trinal now and in half aspect. That’s a bad indicator. In the far off future you will lose all your keys, including those on your piano. Sorry about that.

Taurus… Saturn is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s an indication of trouble for you. Not long from now you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Make Wallets Out Of Warts”. Only a few dermatologists and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. Things will go downhill for you.

Gemini… Venus is in half aspect now. That foretells problems for you. One day in the future you will experience a “Rags to Riches” story. You will start a fashion clothing business for zombies. Not long afterward, it will reach a dead end and you will lose everything.

Cancer… The Moon is tri-lunar at this time. Hmmm…that’s not too good for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “A Yodeler’s Guide To The Mountains”. Only a few rock climbers will buy a copy. You will become depressed. Sorry.

Leo… Sun is in tri-modal position now. That’s not a good sign. Sometime soon you will be sought by a cyberbot. Eventually you’ll get caught. It won’t end well for you. So sorry.

Virgo… The Earth is in dihedral mode now. That foretells problems for you. You will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Wiggle Your Way To Wealth”. Only a few belly dancers will buy a copy. You will lose all.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in juxtaposing to Sagittarius now. That isn’t’ good. In the far off future you will fulfill your fondest desire. You will become a Realtor who sells bird houses. Your new career will be cut short by a rowdy woodpecker. Too bad.

Libra… Uranus is tri-modal at this time. That’s never a good sign. One day you will finally get over your bout with the chills when you realize you have been sitting on a block of ice. Burrrr!

Scorpio… Mercury is post-dichotomy position at this time. That portends problems for you. One day in the future you will take a Zumba class with a zombie. It won’t be a pleasant experience. Too bad.

Capricorn… Mars is in tri-quadrinal position against Capricorn now. That always brings trouble. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Yodel Your Way To Fame And Fortune”. Only a few cowboys will buy a copy. You will lose all.

Aquarius… Jupiter is bi-trinal now. That spells trouble. Some point in the future, you will suffer a bout of acne on your ear lobes. The situation will drive you crazy. Sorry.

Pisces… Saturn is in juxta-tension at this time and trine with Pisces now. That’s a terrible sign. At some point in time, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a “Tell All” book called, “Sleeping With Noodles, Confessions Of A Pasta Chef”. You will only sell a few copies to some wandering minstrels. You will lose all. Sorry about that.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: Sept. 17th, 2015


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“If you try too hard to outdo yourself, you just might undo yourself.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 13th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome my fine, future-feathered friends.

It’s time for another round of pleasantly unpleasing prognostications.

Have you noticed, (in the US at least); the Halloween stores have already opened?

We’re getting close to our favorite time of the year when HORROR becomes fashionable.

Luckily for you, our faithful followers, HORROR has been a weekly event.

This week’s recipe for madness includes bananas, cavorting, and of course the ever-popular, mutton chops.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in juxtaposing to Taurus now. That’s a bad indicator. In the future, you will establish a cult. You will wear a cloak and worship smoke. Many weed suckers will follow you. Unfortunately, the police will crack down on you and disband your group. Too bad.

Taurus… Mercury is in its seventh aspect at this time. That’s a terrible indicator. In the future, you will you will have a yearning to make more money. So, you will make moonshine in sunlight. Of course, the feds will find out and place you under arrest. You won’t even notice that because you will be drunk from tasting your concoctions. Too bad for you.

Gemini… Mars is post-urinal at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of cash researching and writing a book called, “How To Brainwash a Banana”. Only a few green grocers and one zoo keeper will buy a copy. You won’t be happy.

Cancer… The Moon is in half aspect now. That’s an indicator of future problems. In the not too future, you will open a car wash exclusively for “Meals On Wheels” recipients. It will fail and you will lose everything. Too bad for you.

Leo… The Sun is in tri-modal position now. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will devise a new language based upon birdcalls. But, you will abandon the idea shortly after you begin to molt. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Jupiter is in its seventh aspect at this time. Hmmm…that’s not too good for you. Someday, you will become a famous building contractor after you build a house made entirely of chicken bones and gristle. Unfortunately hyenas will devour it. You will lose everything.

Libra… Venus is in intri-quadrinal position now. That’s a bad indicator. In the future, you will get an infection, or have a government inspection. Either way, it won’t be a happy experience. Sorry about that.

Scorpio… Saturn is in half aspect now. That’s an indicator of future problems. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of cash researching and writing a book called “How To Cavort For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell one copy to someone named, Dennis Miller. So sorry!

Sagittarius… Neptune is bi-trinal now. That spells trouble. One day, you will leave your heart in San Francisco, and your spleen too. Medical bills will pile up quickly after your insurance company denies coverage. Your life will be in shambles. So sorry.

Capricorn… Uranus is tri-modal at this time. That’s never good. In the distant future, you will open a Children’s’ Restaurant called “Peanut Butter And Jelly Fish”. Mothers will shun it. The local Board of Health will quickly shut it down. You’ll lose everything. Sorry.

Aquarius… The Earth is in half aspect now. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will open a mutton chop locator service. It will be a hairy experience which you abandon in a short time.

Pisces… Mars is tri-modal at this time. That will bring you misfortune. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will attempt to bottle you. It will be a sloppy, and harrowing experience.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: Sept. 11th, 2015


 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“A spending spree is rarely free.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Controversial Court Case Concluded


Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned

FOXBOROUGH, MA—

A full week after a federal judge overturned his four-game NFL suspension, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady noted with alarm Wednesday that he has been physically unable to stop smirking since the court’s ruling.

“I was obviously really happy when I heard the judge’s decision, but it’s seven days later and all the muscles in my face are still just stuck like this,” said Brady, grinning at reporters with visible fear and panic in his eyes.

“Yesterday, my wife came home upset about something that had happened earlier, and I physically could not stop smirking the whole time she was talking. Even now, I’m trying with every ounce of my strength to just stop smiling, and I can’t. I don’t know what to do—please, God, someone help me.”

At press time, after several hours of uncomfortable tossing and turning in bed, Brady had finally fallen asleep with a pained smirk still frozen on his face.

Found at: http://www.theonion.com/article/panicking-tom-brady-unable-stop-smirking-suspensio-51275

 Hmmm…

Tom Brady is wearing a smirk?

Some people still think he’s a jerk,

That under inflation,

Has swept the whole nation,

Others think he is a “Turk”.

 

To Tom the smirk is alarming,

To others it seems to be charming,

Is it pure luck,

That the smirk has just stuck?

It’s something that could be disarming.

 

There’s something about this man’s grinning,

He seems to be constantly winning,

The court went his way,

Now he can play,

Can this be a brand new beginning?

 

© 2015

Ronald J. Yarosh

All Rights Reserved

It is illegal to copy or use this poetry without the owner’s permission.

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 6th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day again my friends of the future.

Welcome back to another edition of your favorite Horror-Scope, brought to you by Orbit Toothpaste. Nine out of ten celestial bodies choose Orbits.

This weeks conglomeration includes mingling, gas, and of course a hippo.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is in post-normal conjunction with Aries now. That’s not good. One day your clock will not only tick, it will talk. It will tell the world of all the crazy antics you perform while you’re alone in your room. Hmmm.

Taurus… Uranus is trine with Taurus, but in opposition to Saturn. That always poses problems. One day, you will be involved with a gator, or a traitor. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry about that.

Gemini… Venus is in tri-genical position to Gemini now. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Flaunt Your Way To A Fortune”. You will only sell one copy to Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The Moon is in opposition to Cancer at this time, as well as square. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Mingle In Your Milieu”. People will be confused by the title and not buy it. Sorry.

Leo… The Sun is tri-lateral to Leo at this time. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will fall out of a boat while on the ocean. You will be rescued by a sea turtle, only to get bitten by a shark. You will survive the pain and blood loss.

Virgo… Jupiter is descending now and in opposition to Virgo at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will suffer a gas attack at the Sargasso. It won’t be very pleasant for you, or those around you. It will be painful as well. Sorry.

Libra… Uranus is in opposition to Libra at this time. That’s always poses problems. In the future, when you trek through a jungle, an orangutan will adopt you. She will feed you bananas. You become sick of the sight of the little yellow tubes. A while later, you will be rescued by a gorilla, and your misery will start all over again. Sorry.

Scorpio… Saturn is square with Scorpio, and rising. Not good. In the far future, you will be accused of being a muckraker. You will tell every one that you don’t even own a rake. No one will believe you. Everyone you know will shun you. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Mars is in retrograde and trine with Sagittarius now. Hmmm, that’s bad for you. One day your hair will become like silk. You will later discover that you have a nest of silk worms living in your scalp.

Capricorn… Pluto is in its fifth house now talking to a Realtor about selling it. Solar home prices are too low now. That foretells problems. One day, you will be force-fed Farina, by a ballerina, in an arena. It won’t be a pleasant experience.

Aquarius… Mercury is in juxtaposition to Aquarius now and on the cusp. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Cuddle With A Koala”. You will be sued by those who try it. People will get mauled, they will also be arrested by authorities for harassing a koala.

Pisces… Neptune is in double conjunction to Pisces now. That will bring you headaches. One day, you will fulfill your dream of hugging a hippo. You will suffer a bite to your thigh. It will be painful.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: Sept. 2nd, 2015


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Your life will be fruitful if you eat your vegetables.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

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