Welcome back friends of the future.
Once again, we here at, HORROR-Scope Central, have scoured the charts in search of the latest interpretations to tickle your fancy.
We have compiled the latest list of prognostications guaranteed to satisfy even the most skeptical of soothsayers.
And, it’s all here for you, my wise followers, and occasional seekers of truth and deception.
This week’s list includes, a leg of lamb, some balloons, and of course, spelunkers.
Aries… Neptune is in projected di-urnal now. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the near future, you will brag to your friends that you saved three dollars by running home behind the bus you normally take. You will become depressed when one of your friends tells you that you could have saved fourteen dollars if you ran home behind a taxi.
Taurus… Mars Is trans-jected against Mercury now. That always makes problems for a Taurus. One day, you will meet and fall in love with a balloon artist. You will regret it later when you realize that you are always out of breath.
Gemini… Saturn is nearing its transcendence now. That foretells problems for you. Not long from now, you will follow a follicle to your folly. No further information is indicated in the charts. Sorry.
Cancer… Cancer is semi-conjunctive with the Moon now. That’s never good for you. One day, you will find yourself at a fork in the road while whistling, “Mack The Knife”. It will be a dangerous situation, but your injuries will only be superficial.
Leo… The Sun Is tri-urnal to Leo, but wants to be diurnal. That portends problems for you. When you least expect it, you will meet someone hot, named Potts while visiting a famous panhandle. You will get burnt by him. Sorry about that.
Virgo… Mercury is tri-genical to Virgo at this time. That’s a bad sign for you. One day, your friends and family will think you are odd when you start dating a leg of lamb. Later they will bring you mint sauce to appease you.
Libra… Neptune is post-conjected to Leo now and that’s never a good sign. One day in the future, you will find yourself going door-to-door, selling a book called, “The Psychology Of Flatworms”. Everyone except Dennis Miller will think you are odd and shun you. Let us know how that works out.
Scorpio… Pluto is tri-urnal to Scorpio now. That foretells problems for you. Your friends and family will think you are weird when you become obsessed with eating scrapple while playing Scrabble. You will be shunned. Sorry.
Sagittarius… Venus is in counter-objection to Mars at this time. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. One day you will Flamenco with a flamingo. It won’t end well when the bird decides to find another partner, but not before it attacks you with its vicious claws.
Capricorn… The Earth is tri-orbital to Capricon at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “Cooking With Bat Guano”. Only a few spelunkers will buy a copy. You will end up with an intestinal infection. It won’t be pleasant.
Aquarius… Uranus is nearing its transcendence now and that always foretells problems. One day, you will have a horrible nightmare. In it, the Energizer Bunny will try to charge you by plugging you into a wall socket. It won’t end well. You will awaken frightened and paranoid of all batteries.
Pisces… The Moon is approaching retro-jected di-urnal now against Pisces. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will start a new business collecting exotic mustaches. People will think you are odd and avoid you. You will become depressed. Sorry.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved