Good day again my friends of the future.
Welcome back to another edition of your favorite Horror-Scope, brought to you by Orbit Toothpaste. Nine out of ten celestial bodies choose Orbits.
This weeks conglomeration includes mingling, gas, and of course a hippo.
Aries… The Earth is in post-normal conjunction with Aries now. That’s not good. One day your clock will not only tick, it will talk. It will tell the world of all the crazy antics you perform while you’re alone in your room. Hmmm.
Taurus… Uranus is trine with Taurus, but in opposition to Saturn. That always poses problems. One day, you will be involved with a gator, or a traitor. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry about that.
Gemini… Venus is in tri-genical position to Gemini now. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Flaunt Your Way To A Fortune”. You will only sell one copy to Dennis Miller.
Cancer… The Moon is in opposition to Cancer at this time, as well as square. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Mingle In Your Milieu”. People will be confused by the title and not buy it. Sorry.
Leo… The Sun is tri-lateral to Leo at this time. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will fall out of a boat while on the ocean. You will be rescued by a sea turtle, only to get bitten by a shark. You will survive the pain and blood loss.
Virgo… Jupiter is descending now and in opposition to Virgo at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will suffer a gas attack at the Sargasso. It won’t be very pleasant for you, or those around you. It will be painful as well. Sorry.
Libra… Uranus is in opposition to Libra at this time. That’s always poses problems. In the future, when you trek through a jungle, an orangutan will adopt you. She will feed you bananas. You become sick of the sight of the little yellow tubes. A while later, you will be rescued by a gorilla, and your misery will start all over again. Sorry.
Scorpio… Saturn is square with Scorpio, and rising. Not good. In the far future, you will be accused of being a muckraker. You will tell every one that you don’t even own a rake. No one will believe you. Everyone you know will shun you. Sorry.
Sagittarius… Mars is in retrograde and trine with Sagittarius now. Hmmm, that’s bad for you. One day your hair will become like silk. You will later discover that you have a nest of silk worms living in your scalp.
Capricorn… Pluto is in its fifth house now talking to a Realtor about selling it. Solar home prices are too low now. That foretells problems. One day, you will be force-fed Farina, by a ballerina, in an arena. It won’t be a pleasant experience.
Aquarius… Mercury is in juxtaposition to Aquarius now and on the cusp. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Cuddle With A Koala”. You will be sued by those who try it. People will get mauled, they will also be arrested by authorities for harassing a koala.
Pisces… Neptune is in double conjunction to Pisces now. That will bring you headaches. One day, you will fulfill your dream of hugging a hippo. You will suffer a bite to your thigh. It will be painful.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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