Here we are once again dear friends.
We offer this week’s prognostications, crafted and molded just for you.
This week’s fortunes include warts, yodels, and of course, a cyberbot.
Aries… Mars is bi-trinal now and in half aspect. That’s a bad indicator. In the far off future you will lose all your keys, including those on your piano. Sorry about that.
Taurus… Saturn is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s an indication of trouble for you. Not long from now you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Make Wallets Out Of Warts”. Only a few dermatologists and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. Things will go downhill for you.
Gemini… Venus is in half aspect now. That foretells problems for you. One day in the future you will experience a “Rags to Riches” story. You will start a fashion clothing business for zombies. Not long afterward, it will reach a dead end and you will lose everything.
Cancer… The Moon is tri-lunar at this time. Hmmm…that’s not too good for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “A Yodeler’s Guide To The Mountains”. Only a few rock climbers will buy a copy. You will become depressed. Sorry.
Leo… Sun is in tri-modal position now. That’s not a good sign. Sometime soon you will be sought by a cyberbot. Eventually you’ll get caught. It won’t end well for you. So sorry.
Virgo… The Earth is in dihedral mode now. That foretells problems for you. You will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Wiggle Your Way To Wealth”. Only a few belly dancers will buy a copy. You will lose all.
Sagittarius… Pluto is in juxtaposing to Sagittarius now. That isn’t’ good. In the far off future you will fulfill your fondest desire. You will become a Realtor who sells bird houses. Your new career will be cut short by a rowdy woodpecker. Too bad.
Libra… Uranus is tri-modal at this time. That’s never a good sign. One day you will finally get over your bout with the chills when you realize you have been sitting on a block of ice. Burrrr!
Scorpio… Mercury is post-dichotomy position at this time. That portends problems for you. One day in the future you will take a Zumba class with a zombie. It won’t be a pleasant experience. Too bad.
Capricorn… Mars is in tri-quadrinal position against Capricorn now. That always brings trouble. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Yodel Your Way To Fame And Fortune”. Only a few cowboys will buy a copy. You will lose all.
Aquarius… Jupiter is bi-trinal now. That spells trouble. Some point in the future, you will suffer a bout of acne on your ear lobes. The situation will drive you crazy. Sorry.
Pisces… Saturn is in juxta-tension at this time and trine with Pisces now. That’s a terrible sign. At some point in time, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a “Tell All” book called, “Sleeping With Noodles, Confessions Of A Pasta Chef”. You will only sell a few copies to some wandering minstrels. You will lose all. Sorry about that.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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