Hi there, fellow space gazers.
We’re happy to see you again.
Ready for another round of prognostications?
Too bad if you’re not.
As usual, the charts indicate plethora of problems.
Our chart analysis for this week includes fiberglass, gobblers, and of course the ever popular, salmonella.
Enjoy… if that’s possible.
Aries… The Earth is rising at alarming rate. That’s not good for an Aries. Someday you will realize that your future lies somewhere between salmon and salmonella. Good luck with that.
Taurus… Pluto is trans-conjectal at the moment. That always foretells trouble. In the future, you will try to convince people that in order to obtain complete happiness in life, they must go the way of the pimple. Your followers will abandon you, once they discover that you are loony.
Gemini… Venus is in its fifth house with a termite inspector. Things aren’t going well. That spells trouble for you. For a period in your life, the only friends you will have will be your ear buds. That will be a sad experience, unless you are naturally a loner. Let us know how that works out.
Cancer… The Moon is in Cancer at the moment and bi-urinal as well. That predicts trouble for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing an e-book called, ”Fun With Fiberglass”. Readers will try to sue you when they can’t overcome the painful itchiness they have as a result of handling the substance. You will spend many days in court. It won’t end well.
Leo… The Sun is high conjecture now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing an e-book called, “How To Prognosticate Using Prune Pits”. No one will understand it. Amazon, and other e-book outlets, will quickly reject it. You will not be happy.
Virgo… Uranus is in retrojected position now, and that’s never good. One day in the future, you will write a cookbook consisting of rat’s liver recipes. You will only sell a few copies to some zoologists, and one to Dennis Miller. And, you will suffer intestinal distress after tasting all the meals you prepared using the main ingredient. You will not venture far from a restroom. Whew!
Libra… Jupiter is dijectional now. That always brings trouble to a Libra. In the future, your enemies will try to turn you into a Piñata. You will escape with minor injuries. But, you will be hunted down for the candy you took with you.
Scorpio… Mars is di-orbital at this time. Di-orbitalism is a bad thing. One day, you will be involved in a lie or mishandle some lye. It will be painful one way or another. You might want to get yourself prescriptions for some painkillers and Valium. Good luck with that.
Sagittarius… Mercury is divanial now. That is a troubling sign. One day in the distant future, you will be gored by a gaggle of gobblers. You will survive it with many scars and a good story to tell. Afterwards you will suffer from gobblerphobia. Let us know how that works out for you.
Capricorn… The Earth is trixihedral at the moment. That always foretells trouble. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How Man-Handle A Manatee”. Only a few wild life officials will buy a copy. Animal rights people will boycott you. You will be saddened and paranoid as a result.
Aquarius… Mars is mono-dihedral at this time. That is never a good sign for an Aquarius. One day you will play the Pan flute in Panama. Unfortunately, you will be arrested by the Panamanian Police for flute playing without a license. You will be fined and deported. Let us know how that works out for you.
Pisces… Saturn is in heliotrophic aspect at this time. That is an indicator of trouble for you. One day in the future you will go to a comedy club. While there, you will be accosted, and then punched, over a punch line. It will be painful. Hopefully your health insurance will still be in force, but it probably won’t cover the injuries.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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