Hi there, fellow orbit watchers.
It’s time for your favorite predictionalizations.
We’ve slaved over hot charts just for you to come up with the best of the best in prognostications.
We hope you enjoy this week’s selection of horrible goodies. They range from rain to truffles.
Oh, I forgot to mention they also include the ever popular, lamentations.
Aries… Saturn is rising but wants to be falling. That’s not good. Someday, you will spend ten years of your life studying German Impressionistic Film making, only to realize you were wasting your time, since you didn’t know a word of German. You will be come depressed and contemplate Silent Films.
Taurus… Neptune is in projected di-urinal now. That’s not a very good sign. In the future, you will play concert piano in a hard rock band. No one will understand a note and you’ll be fired. Depression will follow.
Gemini… The Sun is super-trigenital at the moment. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will meet someone at a fair, with a complexion quite fair, however they’ll be unfair while you’re unaware. They’ll cheat you on a dare.
Cancer… The moon is nearing its transcendence now. That always brings bad fortune. Not long from now, you will write statutes regarding a statue. But, a mad sculptor will overturn them. It will be ugly.
Leo… Venus is approaching polysubjunctivity now. That’s not good. One day, people will think you are insane when you try to drink rain from a drain. Yuck!
Virgo… Jupiter is in super oppositional conjunction at this time. That’s never good. One day, you will become a disgrace in a certain place, after you misplace a fireplace. You will be driven out of town, but it won’t be in a Town Car.
Libra… Mars is appositionally adjacent to Libra now. That spells trouble. Sad times await you. Sometime in the future, you will sell lamentation by the hour. It will be a lonely existence with lots of crying and wailing.
Scorpio… Mercury is nearing its transcendence now. That’s always a bad sign. Sometime in the future, you will become confused and suspicious when you realize that your mate has been wrapping your lunches in road maps. You will Google yourself into a depressive state.
Sagittarius… Pluto is in passing conjunctivitis now. That usually spells trouble. You will spend many months planning and writing a new book called, “How To Tickle A Truffle”. Only a few chefs will buy a copy. You will become depressed and drown yourself in pudding cups.
Capricorn… Neptune is polyproportional at this time. That will present problems. You will spend many months planning and writing a new book called, “How To Train Your Sour Puss”. Unfortunately only a few cat lovers will by a copy. You will suffer from depresssional anxiety. You will seek the help of a psychic who will con you out of all your money.
Aquarius… Saturn is in annex trijunction now. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will awaken to find that everyone you know has moved away without telling you. You won’t know what to do. Counseling won’t help. Dennis Miller will be clueless.
Pisces… Uranus is in second dronocity at this time. That’s never a good sign. One day someone will drive a lettuce wedge between you and you vegan lover.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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