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horoscope chart







Here we are again, fellow future lovers.

This week’s pile of prognostications will provide you with plenty of problems.

The list includes a squash ball, a mascot, and the ever popular, lava rock.


Aries… The Earth is crosswind to Aries at this time. That’s a problematic situation. Not long from now, your enemies will attempt to magnetize you. It won’t work. The experience will be electrifying. Good luck with that.

Taurus… Mercury is degenerating now. That always poses problems. One day, you will start a business. You will try to sell Seeing Eye Dogs to those who are blind to the facts. No one will buy one. You will become quite depressed over it. We feel for you.

Gemini… Mars is in oppositional diametrics now. That will bring you trouble. At some point in the future your enemies will attempt to bequeath you to the world at large. You won’t enjoy the process. You will sue them and lose.

Cancer… The Moon is tri-modal at this time. That foretells trouble for you. One day, you will try to squash a squash ball. You will not be successful. You’ll feel squished and depressed. Hopefully you will overcome it.

Leo… Venus is extra-tense at the moment. That will bring you problems. One day in the future, you will continuously soak your head after you’re diagnosed with dry scalp. We hope you survive it.

Virgo… The Earth is trine with Virgo, and in diametric opposition now. That portends trouble for you. One day in the future, you will lose your Labrador in a lab, in Labrador. You won’t find it, leading to severe angst, and lots of unused dog food. Good luck with that.

Libra… The Sun is bi-trinal now. That’s never good for a Libra. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Make Love To A Lava Rock”. Just a few lonely geologists, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will suffer depression as a result. Let’s hope you can cope.

Scorpio… Pluto is in tri-quadrinal position now. As you may know, that always brings problems to a Scorpio. At some point in time you will become the mascot for a Maasai tribe. You will feel used and abused. You won’t be happy. Good luck with that.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in juxta-tension at this time. That will provide you with a challenge. Not long from now your enemies will attempt to tribalize you. You won’t be happy about it. Oh well.

Capricorn… Uranus is juxta-dimentional at this time. As you may know, that’s never good for a Capricorn. Not long from now your enemies will attempt to index you. It won’t be a pleasant experience. Good luck with that.

Aquarius… Neptune is in anti-gravitational pull now. That portends problems for you. One day, not long from now, you will eat clams during a calamity. You will be scorned for it. Too bad for you.

Pisces… Mars is subjugated to Pisces at this time. One day, you will be known as, “Banana Breath”. You will be stalked by many monkeys. It will result in much anxiety. Even you will suffer from it. Let’s hope you can endure.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


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