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horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonne journée mes amis.

Here we are once again, agonizing over your misfortunes for the week.

This week’s selection includes pronouns, roaches, pickerels, and of course, a slaughter house.

I hope they will please you.

If they don’t, then the charts will prove to be correct.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is transcending at this time. That’s a bad indicator. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Paint Your Pronouns”. You will only sell a few copies to some English teachers. You won’t be happy about it.

Taurus… Neptune is di-lateral at this moment. That always causes trouble. One day, you will open a restaurant called, The Slaughterhouse”. Very few people will dine there once they realize it’s an actual, operating slaughterhouse.

Gemini… Uranus in full opposition now. That’s never good. Sometime in the future, you will fail in your attempt to write a book called, How To Start An Eyebrow Farm. You will get bogged down after writing the title.

Cancer… Saturn’s rings are semi-elongated at this time. That means trouble. In the future, your attempt to open a summer camp for children will fail after you name it, “Camp Maime A Lot”.

Leo… Jupiter is in juxta-trilateral mode now. That’s never good. One day in the future, you will open a restaurant. However, business will drop off dramatically when you sponsor a contest for your customers. To win, they’ll have to count the number of live roaches in a jar…in your kitchen.

Virgo… Mars is faltering at this time. That’s always a bad sign. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pluck A Politician”. Only a few wannabes will buy a copy using counterfeit money.

Libra… The Earth is in tri-natal position now. That’s always a terrible sign. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pickerels As Pets”. Only a few Fish And Game Wardens will buy one. You will be terribly disappointed.

Scorpio… Venus is uni-neutral mode at this time. That will pose problems for you. One day you will try to start a fire by rubbing two stick figures together. It won’t work. People will think you are weird. You will become depressed.

Sagittarius… Mercury is tri-nodal now. That isn’t good for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Take Your Pickerel On A Picnic”. Only a few chefs will buy a copy. You will take it hard, and stop fishing.

Capricorn… The Sun is in neutral-trilateral mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. Someday, your enemies will try to inoculate you with ice. It won’t work. And, it will feel horrible.

Aquarius… The Moon is low lunar modality now. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will stare into a mirror and become overly reflective as a result. People will think you are weird. They will shun you.

Pisces… Mars is low domination now. That’s not good. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pickerels For Prisoners”. Only a few parolees, and Dennis Miller, will buy a copy. You will lose lots of money and self respect as a result.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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