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horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day my friends.

Another perfect package of predictions has been perpetrated for you.

We here at HORROR – Scope Central have done our best to give you a heads-up for the rest of the week, and into the future.

This week’s selections include bulldogs, grudges, and the elusive rubber ducky.

Have fun, enjoy, it can only get worse.

We suggest you keep your feet on the ground and your eyes toward the stars.

Aries… Pluto is cross orbiting at this time. That’s always a bad sign. In the not too distant future, you will not be happy when your enemies try to de-ice you. Burrr.

Taurus… The Earth is in trans-orbital opposition now. That will bring you problems. In the somewhat distant future, you will try to chocolate wrap oyster bars and sell them. You’ll get the chocolate part right, but the result won’t be the kind of crunchiness you were aiming for. You will be sued after customers break their teeth on your creation.

Gemini… Mercury is in trans-jection mode now. That’s never good. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called “Moby Duck”. It’s the story of a Rodeo Clown in pursuit of a large, elusive, rubber ducky somewhere in the depths of his bathtub. It won’t sell very well and you will lose money.

Cancer… The Moon is tri–orbital now against Pluto. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will have your longest desire fulfilled. A police dog will frisk you. Unfortunately you will end up spending a night in jail for a crime you didn’t commit. You will become infested with fleas, and inundated with business cards from lawyers who want you to hire them.

Leo… The Sun is flaring wildly now. That’s never a good sign. In the future, your friends will get you to stop smoking when they throw a pail of ice water on you while you relax by a pool with only your bathing suit on. It will be a shock to you. You will become paranoid and smoke even more. Let us know how that works out for you.

Virgo… Neptune is in di-hedral mode now. That promises problems for you. One day, you will become a rodeo clown for bulldogs. You will be miserable when you become inundated with fleas, dog collars, and vet bills. You won’t be happy.

Libra… Uranus is intra-orbital mode now. That will bring you trouble. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “A Pocket Full of Poppycock”. You won’t get further than the title after your muse leaves you for another writer. Anxiety will plague you.

Scorpio… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal position now. That’s never good. One day, you will find your name in the Guinness Book of World Records after you submit your Grudge Collection. It will be listed under “The Worst Collections on Record”. Well, at least you will have tried. You will hold a grudge against them after that.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in half aspect now. That poses problems for you. In the future, you will start a new business. You will sell oars to houseboat owners. It won’t go well. Profits will sink to new lows. Depression and angst will flow in.

Capricorn… Mars sub-junctional now. Of course, that foretells problems. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pith Your Helmet”. Only a few pithy people, including Dennis Miller, will buy a copy. You will become quite depressed and lonely.

Aquarius… Pluto is in di-jection now. One day you will be heavy-handed with a handmaiden, or a handyman. In either case it won’t end well for you. You will be arrested and placed in a cell with insurance salesmen who will bug you all night to buy a Whole Life policy for your aardvark.

Pisces… Venus is omni-modal position now. That’s never good for a Pisces. In the future you will work for NASA, and later sell rockets for rocking chairs. You’re business will fizzle out after your invention sends several grandmothers into low, Earth orbit. You will be sued and lose everything. Well, at least you will have tried.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

 

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