Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Dec. 27th, 2015

Good day, fans of tomorrow.

We present you with the last issue of your HORROR-Scope for 2015AD.

We hope use endured the past year in spite of all the horror the planets have heaved on you.

We anticipate that the year 2016 we’ll provide you with pretty much same in the way misfortune, angst, and general torment.

Our final week’s predictions include, snorkels, lice, and the ever popular, big toe.

Good luck in your efforts to overcome the influences of the stars and planets in 2016.

You’re going to need it.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in sub-opposition now. That’s not a good sign for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will open an Argument Service For Couples. Unfortunately, you will never get further than arguing about your fees.

Taurus… Venus is semi-conjunctive at this time. That always in results in trouble. Sometime in the coming year, you will be amazed when you have your ears cleaned and the doctor removes a big toe and an ostrich feather.

Gemini… Uranus is transmigrating now. That’s always a bad sign. Sometime in the coming year, you will open a Foundation For Missing Cummerbunds. Unfortunately, except for Dennis Miller, the donations will be few. You will abandon the idea and become overwrought with depression.

Cancer… The moon is sub-lunar at this time. That foretells problems for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will frequent fish markets to find your “filet of sole mate”. It will be a waste of time and you’ll end up with a haddock.

Leo… The sun is in minor decline at this time. That’s never good for a Leo. Sometime in the coming year, your enemies will attempt to stuff you into an old, CRT computer monitor. They won’t be successful, but it will hurt a lot. Paranoia will set in.

Virgo… Mars is intra-angular now with Virgo. That’s unfortunate for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will snicker while eating a Snickers bar. People will think you are devious and avoid you. Angst will set in.

Libra… Saturn is tri-subjunctive at this time. That’s a bad sign for a Libra. Sometime in the coming year, you will attempt to doodle with a poodle using a noodle. Unfortunately, you will get bitten, and the poodle will eat your noodle. Ouch!

Scorpio… Neptune is nebulizing at this time. That will bring you trouble. Sometime in the coming year, you will fall off a cliff while reading Cliff Notes. The fall will be easy. The landing will be hard. Let’s hope your medical insurance covers the incident.

Sagittarius… The Earth is intra-junctive at this time against Sagittarius. That’s never good. Sometime in the coming year, you will spend thousands of dollars in advertising in an attempt to sell SCUBA tanks to skydivers. You won’t be successful. You won’t be happy when it’s over.

Capricorn… Mercury is trilateral and in opposition to Capricorn. That will bring you problems. Sometime in the coming year, you will attempt to giftwrap your voice box. It won’t go well. A massive sore throat will result.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in angular decline at this time. That foretells problems for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will spend months trying to develop the “Reverse Microwave” which will cool things rather than heat them. Your efforts will fail. You will not be happy.

Pluto… Mars in semi-conjunctive and on the cusp of Pisces. That’s a bad combination. Sometime in the coming year, you will open a foundation for Homeless Snorkels. Only a member of the Jacques Cousteau family will contribute to your cause. They will present you with a ton of rotting tuna.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Dec. 20th, 2015

Hi there anticipators of gloom.

Here we go again with another week of the world’s most accurate predictions (if you discount the errors).

This week’s list includes a cerebellum, mattresses, and the ever popular, tan line.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in tri-quadrinal mode now. That’s a bad indicator for you. Your enemies are planning to groom you with a lawnmower. You will escape with minor injuries, but you will bleed a lot.

Taurus… Mars is semi-distal to Taurus now. That’s a terrible sign. Your enemies will attempt to burn a tan line around your cerebellum. It won’t work and, it will be a little painful. Hopefully you will survive.

Gemini… Venus is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s not a good sign for a Gemini. Your enemies will attempt to either dumb down your wisdom teeth, or excise your incisors. Either way it will be quit painful.

Cancer… Mercury is juxtaposing to Cancer at this time. That indicates trouble for you. You will fall in love with a mountain man and reach a peak experience which will only last for a few seconds. Then, depression will set in.

Leo… The Moon is semi-lunar at this time. That’s never good. You will become an expert in leather in order to find a cure for saddle sores. Your attempt will fail. Angst, and Dennis Miller will plague you.

Virgo… The Earth is semi-conjunctive at this time. That’s a terrible sign. One day you will wake up with the desire to sleep between two mattresses. It will be sweaty, stinky, and very uncomfortable. It would lead to anxiety and depression.

Libra… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal position now. That portends problems for you. One day you will realize your dream job. You’ll have the task of cleaning up after elephants. Have fun with that.

Scorpio… Neptune is in sub-opposition now. That will bring you trouble. Your life will be racked with pain and discomfort when your live, bed bug collection escapes.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in sub-opposition now. We never like that sign. You will begin a new business. You will try to sell diapers to restaurants which serve baby back ribs. You’re attempts will meet with disaster.

Capricorn… Saturn is in juxta-tension at this time. That indicates trouble. You will awaken to find that your right, big toe is as large as a basketball. You will try to sell it to the Los Angeles Lakers, but they will pass on the offer.

Aquarius… Mars is in ultra-tri-modal position now. We never like that sign. Your enemies will landscape you with a lawn mower. You will escape with minor bruises, scratches, and many thorns in your butt.

Pisces… Pluto is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s never good. You will encounter a swallow or swallow your tongue. Either way, it won’t end well for you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved