Hello my collective colleagues of catastrophe.
The holidays are sneaking up on us like snails on roller blades.
Soon they’ll be upon us.
Chaos and cacophony will be your lot.
This week’s list of lovely laments includes an ostrich, Tuesday Weld, and the ever popular, mummy.
Aries… Mercury is in adjunct position to Aries now. That’s never good. In the somewhat distant future, things won’t go well for you when you try to photograph your hippocampus on a college campus.
Taurus… Venus is in tri-orbital modulation now. That will pose problems for you. One day you will try to ostracize an ostrich. People will call you a birdbrain. You will become depressed and lonely.
Gemini… The Earth is in opposition to Gemini now. That’s not a good sign. Sometime in the future you will try to sell shoes for walking sticks. You will be the sole proprietor. It won’t work out for you. Sadness and depression will set in.
Cancer… Moon is in post orbital di-angulation now. That foretells problems. In the distant future your enemies will try to weld you to Tuesday Weld on a Wednesday. It will be painful, but you will survive.
Leo… The Sun is on the cusp of Leo, and in opposition. That will bring you problems. One day, down the avenue you will stroll, while reading an Egyptian scroll. You will be arrested for abusing antiquities and spend some time in jail.
Virgo… Mars is in hi-orbital integration at this point. That doesn’t look good for you. Someday, you will scream for your mommy when you see a mummy dressed as Billy Mumy.
Libra… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal position now. That’s always bad for a Libra. In the future, you will begin a public speaking business. Your first, (and last) speech will surprise your audience. It will be on the topic of, Gargling with Gorgonzola.
Scorpio… Saturn is tri-modal at this time. That isn’t a very good sign. After many years of research, you will write a how to book entitled, “How to Pick Your Nose With Pickles”. It will cover topics from gherkins to bread and butters. Only a few chefs, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy, then return them for a refund.
Sagittarius… Uranus is sub-dialectic now. That usually foretells problems. In the future, your craving for water will go away after you take the sponge out of your mouth.
Capricorn… Neptune is in subtrification at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Capricorn. In the future your hearing will improve when you take the bacon strips out of your ears.
Aquarius… Pluto is tri-modal at this time. That will bring you problems. One day, you will meet a maniac in Maine who will try to remove your brain. You’ll survive with minor injuries.
Pisces… Earth is in juxta-tension at this time. That always foretells problems. In the future, you will either meet a doctor or read a document. In either case it will not end well for you.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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