Hello seekers of tomorrow’s pain.
Here’s another week’s worth of misery.
It’s your favorite, prognosticator of doom and gloom.
Too bad we still have such unfortunate news in this time of celebration and preparation.
Buy hey…That’s life in the Big Universe.
This week’s surprises include a scaffold, a Geek, and the ever popular, Pilates Ball.
Aries… Pluto is in bi-trinal position now. That’s an indication of trouble for you. One day, you will try to be bold and fold a scaffold. You won’t succeed. You will become heart broken and depressed.
Taurus… Neptune is super-juxtaposing Taurus now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future you, your enemies will dip you in extra hot, Pico de gallo sauce. You will survive, but hate Mexican food as a result.
Gemini… Uranus is in tri-quadrinal mode at this time. That’s a terrible indicator. Not long from now, your enemies will force you to clean their gutters in the rain, naked and afraid. You will become paranoid as a result.
Cancer… The Moon is in demi-lunacity at this time. That doesn’t look good for you. At some point in the future, your enemies will force you to eat every Early Bird Special in all the restaurants in your area. After a while, you’ll be coughing up feathers.
Leo… The Sun is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That spells trouble. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will shock you with electronic cigarettes. It will not be a nice experience.
Virgo… Saturn is juxta-posing Virgo now. We never liked that sign. One day, you will either meet a crazy Greek, or and insane Geek. In either case, it will not be a happy experience.
Libra… Jupiter is in sub-opposition to Libra now. Hmmm, not good. Sometime soon, your enemies will try to trim your hair with the road grader. It will hurt a lot, but only for a year or two.
Scorpio… Mars is semi-trinal mode now. That foretells problems for you. Be extra careful at all times. In the distant future, your enemies are planning to take you on a slay ride. We wish you good luck with that.
Sagittarius… Earth is hinting at post-uranalization at this time. That isn’t’ good. Not long from now, you will awaken one morning with the acting ability of Bill Paxton. Too bad for you.
Capricorn… Venus is juxtaposing Capricorn at this time. Not good. One day in the future, your enemies will over inflate you. One day in the future, you will bounce around like the Pilates ball. You will become weak, tired, and dizzy, kind of like Dennis Miller.
Aquarius… Mercury is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s a terrible indicator. Sometime in the future, your enemies will force-feed you surf and turf, using ocean water and grass. Yuck.
Pisces… Uranus is in di-hedral mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will realize you are allergic to rat tails and snails… after you have eaten both.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved