Hi there anticipators of gloom.
Here we go again with another week of the world’s most accurate predictions (if you discount the errors).
This week’s list includes a cerebellum, mattresses, and the ever popular, tan line.
Aries… Pluto is in tri-quadrinal mode now. That’s a bad indicator for you. Your enemies are planning to groom you with a lawnmower. You will escape with minor injuries, but you will bleed a lot.
Taurus… Mars is semi-distal to Taurus now. That’s a terrible sign. Your enemies will attempt to burn a tan line around your cerebellum. It won’t work and, it will be a little painful. Hopefully you will survive.
Gemini… Venus is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s not a good sign for a Gemini. Your enemies will attempt to either dumb down your wisdom teeth, or excise your incisors. Either way it will be quit painful.
Cancer… Mercury is juxtaposing to Cancer at this time. That indicates trouble for you. You will fall in love with a mountain man and reach a peak experience which will only last for a few seconds. Then, depression will set in.
Leo… The Moon is semi-lunar at this time. That’s never good. You will become an expert in leather in order to find a cure for saddle sores. Your attempt will fail. Angst, and Dennis Miller will plague you.
Virgo… The Earth is semi-conjunctive at this time. That’s a terrible sign. One day you will wake up with the desire to sleep between two mattresses. It will be sweaty, stinky, and very uncomfortable. It would lead to anxiety and depression.
Libra… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal position now. That portends problems for you. One day you will realize your dream job. You’ll have the task of cleaning up after elephants. Have fun with that.
Scorpio… Neptune is in sub-opposition now. That will bring you trouble. Your life will be racked with pain and discomfort when your live, bed bug collection escapes.
Sagittarius… Uranus is in sub-opposition now. We never like that sign. You will begin a new business. You will try to sell diapers to restaurants which serve baby back ribs. You’re attempts will meet with disaster.
Capricorn… Saturn is in juxta-tension at this time. That indicates trouble. You will awaken to find that your right, big toe is as large as a basketball. You will try to sell it to the Los Angeles Lakers, but they will pass on the offer.
Aquarius… Mars is in ultra-tri-modal position now. We never like that sign. Your enemies will landscape you with a lawn mower. You will escape with minor bruises, scratches, and many thorns in your butt.
Pisces… Pluto is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s never good. You will encounter a swallow or swallow your tongue. Either way, it won’t end well for you.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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