Good day, fans of tomorrow.
We present you with the last issue of your HORROR-Scope for 2015AD.
We hope use endured the past year in spite of all the horror the planets have heaved on you.
We anticipate that the year 2016 we’ll provide you with pretty much same in the way misfortune, angst, and general torment.
Our final week’s predictions include, snorkels, lice, and the ever popular, big toe.
Good luck in your efforts to overcome the influences of the stars and planets in 2016.
You’re going to need it.
Aries… Pluto is in sub-opposition now. That’s not a good sign for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will open an Argument Service For Couples. Unfortunately, you will never get further than arguing about your fees.
Taurus… Venus is semi-conjunctive at this time. That always in results in trouble. Sometime in the coming year, you will be amazed when you have your ears cleaned and the doctor removes a big toe and an ostrich feather.
Gemini… Uranus is transmigrating now. That’s always a bad sign. Sometime in the coming year, you will open a Foundation For Missing Cummerbunds. Unfortunately, except for Dennis Miller, the donations will be few. You will abandon the idea and become overwrought with depression.
Cancer… The moon is sub-lunar at this time. That foretells problems for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will frequent fish markets to find your “filet of sole mate”. It will be a waste of time and you’ll end up with a haddock.
Leo… The sun is in minor decline at this time. That’s never good for a Leo. Sometime in the coming year, your enemies will attempt to stuff you into an old, CRT computer monitor. They won’t be successful, but it will hurt a lot. Paranoia will set in.
Virgo… Mars is intra-angular now with Virgo. That’s unfortunate for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will snicker while eating a Snickers bar. People will think you are devious and avoid you. Angst will set in.
Libra… Saturn is tri-subjunctive at this time. That’s a bad sign for a Libra. Sometime in the coming year, you will attempt to doodle with a poodle using a noodle. Unfortunately, you will get bitten, and the poodle will eat your noodle. Ouch!
Scorpio… Neptune is nebulizing at this time. That will bring you trouble. Sometime in the coming year, you will fall off a cliff while reading Cliff Notes. The fall will be easy. The landing will be hard. Let’s hope your medical insurance covers the incident.
Sagittarius… The Earth is intra-junctive at this time against Sagittarius. That’s never good. Sometime in the coming year, you will spend thousands of dollars in advertising in an attempt to sell SCUBA tanks to skydivers. You won’t be successful. You won’t be happy when it’s over.
Capricorn… Mercury is trilateral and in opposition to Capricorn. That will bring you problems. Sometime in the coming year, you will attempt to giftwrap your voice box. It won’t go well. A massive sore throat will result.
Aquarius… Jupiter is in angular decline at this time. That foretells problems for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will spend months trying to develop the “Reverse Microwave” which will cool things rather than heat them. Your efforts will fail. You will not be happy.
Pluto… Mars in semi-conjunctive and on the cusp of Pisces. That’s a bad combination. Sometime in the coming year, you will open a foundation for Homeless Snorkels. Only a member of the Jacques Cousteau family will contribute to your cause. They will present you with a ton of rotting tuna.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved