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Archive for January, 2016

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 31st, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day you lovers of celestial sign language.

We’ve concocted another colossal collection of catastrophes for you.

This week’s list includes a pit, an eel, and the ever popular, cow chip.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in supra helial opposition to Aries now. That foretells problems. One day, you will encounter a polyglot or an epiglottis. No matter what happens, you will not have a good time.

Taurus… Neptune is in ultra coursification at this time. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will either stub your toe or meet someone who’s stubborn. In either case the outcome will be bad.

Gemini… Uranus is in hyper orbital diclusion now. That’s never good for a Gemini. One day, you will fall into a pit, or injure your pituitary. Either way, it will be painful.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadra-helial position now. That’s never good for you. In the distant future you will either injure your heel or get shocked by an electric eel. In either case you will scream in pain.

Leo… The Sun is in hyper-extension against the cusp of Leo at this time. That’s never a good sign for Leo. In the distant future you will have the idea that you should collect, then donate, all power strips to topless dance clubs. You will be ridiculed.

Virgo… Pluto is still suffering from a flea infestation. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. One day in the future, you will blow a fuse or become confused. Either way, you’ll be in the dark for quite a while.

Libra… Mercury is in its third house suffering from a hangover after a cocktail party last night. That foretells problems for you. Someday in the future, people will not be pleased after you’ve sneezed. You will be ostracized, and categorized. You will feel very uneasy about it.

Scorpio… Uranus is in dihedral position now against Scorpio. That is not good. In the distant future, a gruesome gaggle of ghouls will grope you ‘till you gasp. Let us know how that works out.

Sagittarius… Saturn is supra conjunctive now with Sagittarius. That always brings problems. One day in the future, you will eat corn chips or cow chips. Either way, you will end up with terrible indigestion.

Capricorn… The Earth is moving toward a tri-diagonal cusp of Capricorn now. That always foretells problems. In the future, you will be aggravated by aiglets. It will be a terrible time in your life.

Aquarius… Mars is in sub-diurnal position now. That’s always a bad sign for an Aquarius. You will spend many months of writing and researching a book called, “How To Wiggle Your Way To Wealth”. You will only sell one copy of the book… to Dennis Miller. Oh well.

Pisces… Venus is in a subspace depression right now. That’s never a good sign. One day in the future, your enemies will toast you. You won’t be happy about it when you find out they didn’t butter you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Monkey Business for an Ape.


You may have already seen this funny video on YouTube. If not here’s the link….

http://mom.me/in-the-loop/26414-orangutan-rofls-magic-trick/

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 24th, 2016


horoscope chart

Welcome back seekers of prognostication.

Once again, the charts challenge you’re ability to endure.

This weeks forecast includes: compost, beards, and the ever popular solar squirrels.

 Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in its second house trying to get rid of some solar squirrels. It’s not going well. That’s a bad sign for an Aries. In the distant future, while trying to get into “The Guinness Book of World Records”, you will attempt to swallow a full size kimono. It won’t go well. Your attempt will fail. Depression will follow.

Taurus… Venus is in its third house cleaning up after a solar dust storm. It’s not going very well. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will try to blow bubbles with a bubula while chewing bubblegum. It won’t go well. You’ll throw yourself on the ground, and cry a lot.

Gemini… Mars is quadra-linear to Gemini now. That means trouble. In the future you will spend many years writing a book called, “How To Calm Your Cockerel”. Only a few chicken farmers will buy a copy. You will sink into a deep depression and never eat eggs again.

Cancer… The Moon is in di-ecliptic now. That’s never a good sign. In the future you will spend many years writing a book called, ”How To Compose Yourself With Compost.” Only a few gardeners, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will be greatly embarrassed, and you will attempt to repaint your green thumb.

Leo… Pluto is in its sixth house looking for some dog biscuits. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will be jumped by someone in a jumpsuit. It won’t end well. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Mars is in hi-urinal position now. That’s never been a good sign for a Virgo. In the future you will spend many years writing a book called, “Little Known Facts About Fatheads.” You will only sell one copy. Dennis Miller will buy it, because he will think it’s a biography of him. You will become depressed and cry a lot.

Scorpio… Mercury is semi-conjunctive give now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. One day, you’ll be shocked at the prices of electric blankets. You will suddenly realize what the word “inflation” means, but it will be too late for you. You will sink into a deep depression and moan a lot.

Sagittarius… Venus is cross tangent to Sagittarius now. That’s always a bad sign for a Sagittarius. One day in the future, you will hold a grudge until your hands get tired. Then you’ll drop it. It will land on your foot and injure you. Ouch!

Capricorn… Saturn is tri-gential to Capricorn now. That’s a terrible sign for a Capricorn. Sometime in the future, your enemies will try to giftwrap your voice box. It will be very painful, but you’ll survive. Afterwards, your voice will sound like Pee-wee Herman.

Aquarius… Neptune is cross-conjunctive now. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. Your friends will not appreciate it when you try to donate their blood. You will find yourself alone and afraid.

Pisces… The Earth is in tera-hedral position now. That’s a bad sign for a Pisces. In the future you will spend many years writing a book called, “How to Brush Your Baby’s Beard”. Only a few barbers will buy a copy. People will think you are weird and avoid you. Depression will follow.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Uncategorized

The Fortune Cookie For Jan 22nd, 2016


 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014. The link is:

https://ronyaroshauthor.wordpress.com/2014/11/04/fortune-cookie-fortune-for-today/?preview=true&preview_id=1870&preview_nonce=733c1575df&post_format=standard

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for the day:

“If you hate haters you will hate yourself.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Fortune Cookie, Uncategorized

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 17th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello you wonderful people of wonderment.

We have scoured the charts again for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Once again the celestial bodies are foreboding.

Hopefully, by now you’re getting used to it.

If not, you might want to seek the help of a witch doctor.

This week’s conglomeration contains zest, wasps, and the ever popular, puss.

Enjoy…

Ares… Pluto is in dual-quadrinal mode now. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will feel and smell a lot better after you take the rotten eggs out of your underwear.

Taurus… Mercury is in fast acceleration now toward the cusp of Taurus. That’s never a good indicator. In the not too distant future your enemies will try to use you as zest in a soup recipe. It will be quite painful.

Gemini… Mars is in Hexi-oppositional mode now. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will meet an instigator or an alligator. In either case it won’t be a very good outcome for you.

Cancer… The Moon is trying to sell its seventh house but hasn’t had much luck. That’s a bad sign for a Cancer. One day in the future, you’re enemies will force you to handle a bag of live wasps while listening to an album buy Sting. Ouch!

Leo… The sun is tired of being the center of things. That’s not good for a Leo. One day, you will find a carbuncle on your favorite uncle. You will become nauseous after you suck out the puss. Yuck!

Virgo… The Earth is hexi-dimentional now. That will bring you problems. In the future you will try to convince the world that you can warm up some cold, hard, facts. People will think you are loony and avoid you.

Libra… Venus is in his third house dealing with some squatters. It’s not going well. That foretells problems for you. One day, you’re hair will suddenly become wavy. As a result, many surfers will bug you.

Scorpio… Uranus is semi-dimensional now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. One day, you will attempt to walk around the globe wearing just a rubber robe. It will be hot, sticky, and greatly uncomfortable.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s a problem indicator for Sagittarius. In the future, you will become excessively wild over Oscar Wilde and Wiley Coyote. People will think you’re weird and shun you.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in oppositional alignment to Capricorn. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pick a Pig in a Poke for Fun and Profit”. Only a few pig farmers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

Aquarius… The Earth is in its hexi-longitudinal axis now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. Someday you will suffer from uncontrollable shivers while sitting Shiva. You’ll be very uncomfortable.

Pisces… The moon is semi-quadrinal now. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, your enemies will try to launch you into space so you could wish upon a star (actually on a star). Bring something warm to wear, (at least for a while).

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes, Uncategorized

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 10th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello planet gazers.

Here’s this week’s gaggle of goodness for your gawking pleasure.

We have scoured the charts for the best of the worst for you.

We hope you enjoy this week’s predictions.

They include bauxite, truffles, and the ever popular underworld.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is at an odd angle to Aries now. That is not a good sign. One day, you will meet a man who insists he’s Ulysses S. Grant. You will ask him to autograph a fifty-dollar bill. He will refuse to do it. Then he’ll run off with your money.

Taurus… Uranus is in die-quadral mode now. That for tells problems. In the future, when the weather is cold, before leaving your dwelling, you will sugar coat yourself. Dogs and cats will lick you silly.

Gemini… Mercury is in opposition to Gemini now. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will open a restaurant specializing in stuffed cabbage. You will stuff it with old tire shreddings. The Board of Health will close you down. You will lose everything, including your sanity.

Cancer… The Moon is in its ultra-quadrant position now. That will bring you problems. In the future you will tell everyone you know that it’s mandatory to giftwrap all bauxite. Eventually, you’ll be confined to a mental institution for observation.

Leo… The Sun is in double helix now. That’s never a good sign. One day in the future you will become disingenuous or disenchanted. Either way you will lose many friends. We hope you can cope.

Virgo… Mars is in Quadra-helic mode now. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo. In the future you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Put Ruffles In Your Truffles”. Only a few chefs, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

Libra… Neptune is on the cusp of Libra and in opposition to it. That foretells problems. In the future, you will suffer from stage fright or a bat bite. Either way you’ll sweat a lot, and suffer much pain.

Scorpio… The Earth is in juxtaposition to Scorpio now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the future you will consult a dictionary when you begin having dizzy spells. People will think you’re weird and shun you.

Sagittarius… Venus is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s never good. One day you’ll have your picture on currency. Unfortunately it will be drawn by a three year old with a crayon, complete with missing teeth.

Capricorn… Saturn is in tri-poly mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the distant future you will try to sell underwear to creatures of the underworld. It will never work out for you. As a result you will become depressed.

Aquarius… Mercury is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That is not good for an Aquarius. One day you will swim the oceans looking for a “Sacred Seal”, only to be molested by sharks and killer whales.

Pisces… Venus is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s never good for a Pisces. One day you will try to sell bourbon to Berbers. You will be rejected. Depression will follow.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Funny Doodle Selection


Reblogged on WordPress.com

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 3rd, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the Future is here.

We’re off to another grim year.

We won’t be bringing much cheer.

Just angst and worry and fear.

We just want to make that clear.

 

Have a Horror-Scopic New Year, my friends.

Aries… Venus is semi-distal now against Aries. That doesn’t look good for you. Someday in the future, you will constantly tell people, “I’ve got schmootz on my nudnick”. People will avoid you.

Taurus… Mars is in tri-quadrinal position at this time. That spells trouble for you. Sometime soon you’ll make a mess in Messina. You’ll have to clean it up by yourself. It won’t be a pleasant experience. You will smell weird afterward.

Gemini… Mercury is in di-hedral mode now. That’s not a good sign. In the distant future, you will only consult with lumberjacks for “log-in” instructions”. People will think you’re silly, and avoid you.

Cancer… The Moon is semi-conjunctive at this time. That’s a bad indicator. One day, you will try to make ice cubes out of water buffalo. You will be gored, but survive. Ouch!

Leo… Sun is tri-modal at this time. That’s an indication of trouble for you. In the future, you will spend thousands of dollars on advertising in an attempt to sell ties for collard greens. People will think you’re weird and avoid you.

Virgo… Pluto is juxtaposing Virgo now. Hmmm, not good. One day in the future you will be afraid to say the word “succulent” in mixed company.

Libra… Neptune is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s an indication of trouble for you. Not long from now, you will be involved in something auditory or predatory in either case you will scream a lot.

Scorpio… Uranus is post-uranal at this time. That’s never good. Sometime in the future, you will spend thousands of dollars on advertising in an attempt to sell Hats for Head Lice. Your efforts will fail. You will not be happy, and your head will be very itchy.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in semi-tri-modal position now. Too bad for you. One day, you’re enemies will FEDEX you, and you’ll get lost in transit for a while. It will be a horrifying experience, like spending an evening with Dennis Miller.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in juxta-tension at this time. That will bring you trouble. Someday in the future, you will be attacked by a band of roving grandmothers who will tie you up with geriatric stockings and make your drink dishwater from a twisty straw. It will taste awful.

Aquarius… The Earth is in di-hedral mode now. That’s never a good sign. At a most inappropriate time, your enemies will try to pierce your ears with a jackhammer. They will not succeed, but it will be loud and painful.

Pisces… Mars is in sub-opposition now against Pisces. That’s a terrible indicator. At some point in the future, you will draw a cartoon about a tomb in Khartoum. People will think you are strange, and avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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