Well, the Future is here.
We’re off to another grim year.
We won’t be bringing much cheer.
Just angst and worry and fear.
We just want to make that clear.
Have a Horror-Scopic New Year, my friends.
Aries… Venus is semi-distal now against Aries. That doesn’t look good for you. Someday in the future, you will constantly tell people, “I’ve got schmootz on my nudnick”. People will avoid you.
Taurus… Mars is in tri-quadrinal position at this time. That spells trouble for you. Sometime soon you’ll make a mess in Messina. You’ll have to clean it up by yourself. It won’t be a pleasant experience. You will smell weird afterward.
Gemini… Mercury is in di-hedral mode now. That’s not a good sign. In the distant future, you will only consult with lumberjacks for “log-in” instructions”. People will think you’re silly, and avoid you.
Cancer… The Moon is semi-conjunctive at this time. That’s a bad indicator. One day, you will try to make ice cubes out of water buffalo. You will be gored, but survive. Ouch!
Leo… Sun is tri-modal at this time. That’s an indication of trouble for you. In the future, you will spend thousands of dollars on advertising in an attempt to sell ties for collard greens. People will think you’re weird and avoid you.
Virgo… Pluto is juxtaposing Virgo now. Hmmm, not good. One day in the future you will be afraid to say the word “succulent” in mixed company.
Libra… Neptune is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s an indication of trouble for you. Not long from now, you will be involved in something auditory or predatory in either case you will scream a lot.
Scorpio… Uranus is post-uranal at this time. That’s never good. Sometime in the future, you will spend thousands of dollars on advertising in an attempt to sell Hats for Head Lice. Your efforts will fail. You will not be happy, and your head will be very itchy.
Sagittarius… Saturn is in semi-tri-modal position now. Too bad for you. One day, you’re enemies will FEDEX you, and you’ll get lost in transit for a while. It will be a horrifying experience, like spending an evening with Dennis Miller.
Capricorn… Jupiter is in juxta-tension at this time. That will bring you trouble. Someday in the future, you will be attacked by a band of roving grandmothers who will tie you up with geriatric stockings and make your drink dishwater from a twisty straw. It will taste awful.
Aquarius… The Earth is in di-hedral mode now. That’s never a good sign. At a most inappropriate time, your enemies will try to pierce your ears with a jackhammer. They will not succeed, but it will be loud and painful.
Pisces… Mars is in sub-opposition now against Pisces. That’s a terrible indicator. At some point in the future, you will draw a cartoon about a tomb in Khartoum. People will think you are strange, and avoid you.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved