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Hello planet gazers.

Here’s this week’s gaggle of goodness for your gawking pleasure.

We have scoured the charts for the best of the worst for you.

We hope you enjoy this week’s predictions.

They include bauxite, truffles, and the ever popular underworld.


Aries… Pluto is at an odd angle to Aries now. That is not a good sign. One day, you will meet a man who insists he’s Ulysses S. Grant. You will ask him to autograph a fifty-dollar bill. He will refuse to do it. Then he’ll run off with your money.

Taurus… Uranus is in die-quadral mode now. That for tells problems. In the future, when the weather is cold, before leaving your dwelling, you will sugar coat yourself. Dogs and cats will lick you silly.

Gemini… Mercury is in opposition to Gemini now. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will open a restaurant specializing in stuffed cabbage. You will stuff it with old tire shreddings. The Board of Health will close you down. You will lose everything, including your sanity.

Cancer… The Moon is in its ultra-quadrant position now. That will bring you problems. In the future you will tell everyone you know that it’s mandatory to giftwrap all bauxite. Eventually, you’ll be confined to a mental institution for observation.

Leo… The Sun is in double helix now. That’s never a good sign. One day in the future you will become disingenuous or disenchanted. Either way you will lose many friends. We hope you can cope.

Virgo… Mars is in Quadra-helic mode now. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo. In the future you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Put Ruffles In Your Truffles”. Only a few chefs, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

Libra… Neptune is on the cusp of Libra and in opposition to it. That foretells problems. In the future, you will suffer from stage fright or a bat bite. Either way you’ll sweat a lot, and suffer much pain.

Scorpio… The Earth is in juxtaposition to Scorpio now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the future you will consult a dictionary when you begin having dizzy spells. People will think you’re weird and shun you.

Sagittarius… Venus is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s never good. One day you’ll have your picture on currency. Unfortunately it will be drawn by a three year old with a crayon, complete with missing teeth.

Capricorn… Saturn is in tri-poly mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the distant future you will try to sell underwear to creatures of the underworld. It will never work out for you. As a result you will become depressed.

Aquarius… Mercury is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That is not good for an Aquarius. One day you will swim the oceans looking for a “Sacred Seal”, only to be molested by sharks and killer whales.

Pisces… Venus is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s never good for a Pisces. One day you will try to sell bourbon to Berbers. You will be rejected. Depression will follow.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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