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horoscope chart







Hello you wonderful people of wonderment.

We have scoured the charts again for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Once again the celestial bodies are foreboding.

Hopefully, by now you’re getting used to it.

If not, you might want to seek the help of a witch doctor.

This week’s conglomeration contains zest, wasps, and the ever popular, puss.


Ares… Pluto is in dual-quadrinal mode now. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will feel and smell a lot better after you take the rotten eggs out of your underwear.

Taurus… Mercury is in fast acceleration now toward the cusp of Taurus. That’s never a good indicator. In the not too distant future your enemies will try to use you as zest in a soup recipe. It will be quite painful.

Gemini… Mars is in Hexi-oppositional mode now. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will meet an instigator or an alligator. In either case it won’t be a very good outcome for you.

Cancer… The Moon is trying to sell its seventh house but hasn’t had much luck. That’s a bad sign for a Cancer. One day in the future, you’re enemies will force you to handle a bag of live wasps while listening to an album buy Sting. Ouch!

Leo… The sun is tired of being the center of things. That’s not good for a Leo. One day, you will find a carbuncle on your favorite uncle. You will become nauseous after you suck out the puss. Yuck!

Virgo… The Earth is hexi-dimentional now. That will bring you problems. In the future you will try to convince the world that you can warm up some cold, hard, facts. People will think you are loony and avoid you.

Libra… Venus is in his third house dealing with some squatters. It’s not going well. That foretells problems for you. One day, you’re hair will suddenly become wavy. As a result, many surfers will bug you.

Scorpio… Uranus is semi-dimensional now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. One day, you will attempt to walk around the globe wearing just a rubber robe. It will be hot, sticky, and greatly uncomfortable.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s a problem indicator for Sagittarius. In the future, you will become excessively wild over Oscar Wilde and Wiley Coyote. People will think you’re weird and shun you.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in oppositional alignment to Capricorn. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pick a Pig in a Poke for Fun and Profit”. Only a few pig farmers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

Aquarius… The Earth is in its hexi-longitudinal axis now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. Someday you will suffer from uncontrollable shivers while sitting Shiva. You’ll be very uncomfortable.

Pisces… The moon is semi-quadrinal now. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, your enemies will try to launch you into space so you could wish upon a star (actually on a star). Bring something warm to wear, (at least for a while).

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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