Welcome back seekers of prognostication.
Once again, the charts challenge you’re ability to endure.
This weeks forecast includes: compost, beards, and the ever popular solar squirrels.
Aries… Uranus is in its second house trying to get rid of some solar squirrels. It’s not going well. That’s a bad sign for an Aries. In the distant future, while trying to get into “The Guinness Book of World Records”, you will attempt to swallow a full size kimono. It won’t go well. Your attempt will fail. Depression will follow.
Taurus… Venus is in its third house cleaning up after a solar dust storm. It’s not going very well. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will try to blow bubbles with a bubula while chewing bubblegum. It won’t go well. You’ll throw yourself on the ground, and cry a lot.
Gemini… Mars is quadra-linear to Gemini now. That means trouble. In the future you will spend many years writing a book called, “How To Calm Your Cockerel”. Only a few chicken farmers will buy a copy. You will sink into a deep depression and never eat eggs again.
Cancer… The Moon is in di-ecliptic now. That’s never a good sign. In the future you will spend many years writing a book called, ”How To Compose Yourself With Compost.” Only a few gardeners, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will be greatly embarrassed, and you will attempt to repaint your green thumb.
Leo… Pluto is in its sixth house looking for some dog biscuits. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will be jumped by someone in a jumpsuit. It won’t end well. Sorry about that.
Virgo… Mars is in hi-urinal position now. That’s never been a good sign for a Virgo. In the future you will spend many years writing a book called, “Little Known Facts About Fatheads.” You will only sell one copy. Dennis Miller will buy it, because he will think it’s a biography of him. You will become depressed and cry a lot.
Scorpio… Mercury is semi-conjunctive give now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. One day, you’ll be shocked at the prices of electric blankets. You will suddenly realize what the word “inflation” means, but it will be too late for you. You will sink into a deep depression and moan a lot.
Sagittarius… Venus is cross tangent to Sagittarius now. That’s always a bad sign for a Sagittarius. One day in the future, you will hold a grudge until your hands get tired. Then you’ll drop it. It will land on your foot and injure you. Ouch!
Capricorn… Saturn is tri-gential to Capricorn now. That’s a terrible sign for a Capricorn. Sometime in the future, your enemies will try to giftwrap your voice box. It will be very painful, but you’ll survive. Afterwards, your voice will sound like Pee-wee Herman.
Aquarius… Neptune is cross-conjunctive now. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. Your friends will not appreciate it when you try to donate their blood. You will find yourself alone and afraid.
Pisces… The Earth is in tera-hedral position now. That’s a bad sign for a Pisces. In the future you will spend many years writing a book called, “How to Brush Your Baby’s Beard”. Only a few barbers will buy a copy. People will think you are weird and avoid you. Depression will follow.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
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