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horoscope chart







Good day you lovers of celestial sign language.

We’ve concocted another colossal collection of catastrophes for you.

This week’s list includes a pit, an eel, and the ever popular, cow chip.


Aries… Saturn is in supra helial opposition to Aries now. That foretells problems. One day, you will encounter a polyglot or an epiglottis. No matter what happens, you will not have a good time.

Taurus… Neptune is in ultra coursification at this time. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will either stub your toe or meet someone who’s stubborn. In either case the outcome will be bad.

Gemini… Uranus is in hyper orbital diclusion now. That’s never good for a Gemini. One day, you will fall into a pit, or injure your pituitary. Either way, it will be painful.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadra-helial position now. That’s never good for you. In the distant future you will either injure your heel or get shocked by an electric eel. In either case you will scream in pain.

Leo… The Sun is in hyper-extension against the cusp of Leo at this time. That’s never a good sign for Leo. In the distant future you will have the idea that you should collect, then donate, all power strips to topless dance clubs. You will be ridiculed.

Virgo… Pluto is still suffering from a flea infestation. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. One day in the future, you will blow a fuse or become confused. Either way, you’ll be in the dark for quite a while.

Libra… Mercury is in its third house suffering from a hangover after a cocktail party last night. That foretells problems for you. Someday in the future, people will not be pleased after you’ve sneezed. You will be ostracized, and categorized. You will feel very uneasy about it.

Scorpio… Uranus is in dihedral position now against Scorpio. That is not good. In the distant future, a gruesome gaggle of ghouls will grope you ‘till you gasp. Let us know how that works out.

Sagittarius… Saturn is supra conjunctive now with Sagittarius. That always brings problems. One day in the future, you will eat corn chips or cow chips. Either way, you will end up with terrible indigestion.

Capricorn… The Earth is moving toward a tri-diagonal cusp of Capricorn now. That always foretells problems. In the future, you will be aggravated by aiglets. It will be a terrible time in your life.

Aquarius… Mars is in sub-diurnal position now. That’s always a bad sign for an Aquarius. You will spend many months of writing and researching a book called, “How To Wiggle Your Way To Wealth”. You will only sell one copy of the book… to Dennis Miller. Oh well.

Pisces… Venus is in a subspace depression right now. That’s never a good sign. One day in the future, your enemies will toast you. You won’t be happy about it when you find out they didn’t butter you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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