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Archive for February, 2016

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 28th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again blog followers and fog wallowers.

Here’s another edition of the only horoscope you’ll never need to read.

The charts for this week indicate more pain and suffering.

In other words, life as usual.

This week’s predictions include:  mannequins, proctologists, and the ever popular, Sinbad The Sailor.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in disjunctive mode now. That’s never good for an Aries. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book entitled, “How to Tickle A Truffle”. Only a few Candy Chefs will buy a copy. It will be a great disappointment to you.

Taurus… Venus is having an allergic reaction to solar dust mites. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing a yellow covered book entitled, “Mannequins for Dummies”. Only a few department store window dressers will buy a copy. You will become very depressed and full of regrets.

Gemini… Mercury is in transcendental mode now. That’s never good for a Gemini. In the future, during conversations, you will constantly tell people you agree with them, ”To a point”. Afterwards, your your friends and coworkers will make it a point not to talk to you.

Cancer… The Moon is in low orbital aspect now and in opposition to Cancer. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future, your enemies will try to change you into another species. They will fail, but afterwards you will become specious.

Leo… The Sun is in its seventh house dealing with a termite situation. It doesn’t look good. That foretells problems for you. Sometime in the future, after watching the movie, “Sinbad The Sailor”, you will decide to spend the rest of your life working on an answer to the question, “Did Sinbad really sin bad?” One day you will realize you’ve wasted a lot of time. You will be full of regrets.

Virgo… Uranus is quazi-transitional now. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book entitled, “Sphincter Secrets”. Only a few Proctologists, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. Because of that, you will spend many days, months, and years trying to console your sad sphincter.

Libra… The Earth is square with, and in opposition to Libra at this time. That always brings problems. In the future, you will win first prize in an Ugly Toe Contest and be featured in The Guinness Book of World Records. You will become tired and worn out after people constantly insist on taking a “selfie” with a toe that looks like Ernest Borgnine.

Scorpio… Saturn is trying to sell off a few of its rings to pay off a bet it lost. It’s not going well. That for foretells problems for you. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable desire to have your brain tattooed. Oddly enough, from all the tattoos available, you will choose a tattoo of a brain. It will be painful.

Sagittarius… Neptune is descending into a deep depression, and it’s full of anxiety about that. Hmmm. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will succumb to your urge to visit a laundromat and take a spin in a commercial clothes dryer. The dizziness you will experience afterwards will last for years.

Aquarius… Pluto is trying to get certified in the International Showdog Association. It’s not going well. In the future, you will invest all your money in a new business venture called, Fake Beards for Babies. You will be sued, and lose all, when mothers realize the beards cannot be removed.

Pisces… Mars is in opposition to Pisces but on the cusp of Scorpio. That’s never a good sign. In the future, after considering the large number of things and people that vanish into thin air, you will lobby the government to make the air thicker. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 21st, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there people of Earth.

The charts have been scoured once again to glean the best of the best of predictions for your future.

Let me just say one thing. Pain is in the air.

This week’s pile of you know what includes: beer, taste buds, and the ever popular, lawn jockeys.

Enjoy

Aries… Uranus is trans-conjunctive now. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will be flashed by someone with a flashlight. You will not be happy about it… even though it will enlighten you.

Taurus… Saturn is semi-distal now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, your enemies will hijack your taste buds. The police will later find them scratched, dented, and abandoned in a bad part of town. Your insurance won’t cover the damages.

Gemini… Pluto is in his fourth house plagued with a bedbug problem. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will be too embarrassed to say the word harbinger in public. It will curtail your socializing.

Cancer… The Moon is in full phazer power at the moment, and running low on energy. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the future you will either fall from grace, or get slapped in the face. In either case, it will not be pleasant. Much angst will follow.

Leo… The Sun is peri-hedral now. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will take the day off to watch a baseball playoff. It will bore you to tears or cause you to dunk for leeches. Let us know how that works out.

Virgo… Mercury is trans-conductal at the moment. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future you will awaken with a fear of beers, which will bring you to tears. Let us know how that works out for you.

Libra… Mars is sub-junctive at the moment. That’s never a good sign for a Libra. In the future you will create a new flavor jellybean called, “Wet dog rolled in crap”. Except for Dennis Miller, no one will buy them. You will lose all and become depressed.

Scorpio… The Earth is rising at to fast a rate. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future your paranoia will cause you to petition the government to require everyone who leaves their dwelling to have an Exit Visa. You will be ignored.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in semi-drexel mode now. That’s always bad for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will consult an electrician to convert your power strip into an exotic dancer. Let us know how that works out for you.

Capricorn… Venus is in its third house mopping up after a flood. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. In the future you will spend many months and all your money writing a book called, “How To Tame a Truffle”. Only a few chefs will buy a copy. You won’t be happy about that.

Aquarius…Jupiter is post-phasing now. That’s always a bad sign. One day, in the future, you will start a foundation to provide race horses for all lawn jockeys. It will be a losing proposition.

Pisces… Neptune is rising when it’s supposed to be falling. That’s a bad sign for a Pisces. In the future, after considering the large number of things and people that vanish into thin air, you will lobby the government to make the air thicker. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

A Whale of a Time


I saw this video, which I thought was very nice, but not necessarily humorous.

The people involved look surprised.

You may want to have a towel handy.

I hope you enjoy it…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyN9YNW3sKc&feature=youtu.be

Image

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!


V-Day

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 14th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello all you lovers of love and prognostication.

In an unusual twist, the planets have lined up in a loving way.

If you look at them from just the right angle, you will notice they’re in the shape of a heart.

This is surely an indication they love us… or do they?

So, sit back, relax…but prepare yourself for the upcoming pain.

Aries… Pluto is in his fourth house searching for a bone in the backyard. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. The future, you will fall in love with someone who has the secret habit of swallowing corks. You won’t see much of your lover on your wedding night because your lover will be spending a lot of time in the bathroom.

Taurus… Saturn is square and in opposition to Taurus now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will fall in love and marry a rancher. Your wedding night will be interesting when you realize you’ll be sleeping on a bed of barbed wire. Good luck with that.

Gemini… Mercury is in high orbital conjunction with Gemini. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future, will fall in love with a wanna-be porcupine. Your wedding night will be a prickly situation. Ouch.

Cancer…The Moon is hepti-lunial now against Cancer. That’s a foreboding sign. In the future, you will fall in love and marry and outhouse inspector. You would be wise to buy a nose clip and rubber gloves.

Leo…The Sun is in double heliosity at this time. That’s never good for a Leo. In the future, you will fall in love and marry a dairy farmer. Your wedding gifts will include, a manure shovel, a manure wagon, rubber boots, and a manure identification handbook. Good luck with that.

Virgo… Mercury is in a deep depression now due to the fact it hadn’t received any Valentine’s Day cards. That’s not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future you will marry a contortionist. You will spend your wedding night watching your lover try to squeeze into it 1 foot square container.

Libra… The Earth is descending and against Libra at this time. That’s never a good sign for Libra. In the future, you will fall in love and marry an animal psychologist. You will spend your wedding night chasing mice through mazes.

Scorpio… Saturn is di-sectional now against Scorpio. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will fall in love and marry the person of your dreams, only to find out later your lover is obsessed with walking backwards in circles day and night.

Sagittarius… Venus is suffering from high altitude delusions now. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you we’ll think it’s great to marry a computer hacker, only to find out later the hacking is done with hatchets, axes, and machetes. Don’t get too close. It will be loud and messy.

Capricorn… Mars is in solar court trying to get an injunction against those who are sending probes to its surface. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will fall in love with a mortician. It will be a huge undertaking, but you will finally get married. Your limo will be a hearse. Your wedding will be adorned with flowers…from local cemeteries.

Aquarius… Mercury is in double opposition to Aquarius at this time. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will fall in love with and marry a pastry chef, only to find out later your lover is full of half-baked ideas and will not be the breadwinner you expected. In fact, your lover will loaf a lot… like Dennis Miller.

Pisces… Jupiter is descending now into a quadra-lineal configuration against Pisces. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will fall in love with an Asian chef whose idea of lovemaking is to constantly soak you in a vat of soy sauce. Ugh!

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 7th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again seekers of love, truth, and the future.

The charts have been very kind to you this week.

The pain will only be minimal.

This week’s selections include, olives, Muppets, and the ever-popular…yak.

Good luck, and enjoy… if you can.

Aries… The Earth is semi-transitional now against Aries. That always brings problems. In the future, you will develop a new type of flying fish, which you will sell to the public. Unfortunately there will be a messy problem when the fish begin to molt. You will be ridiculed, and sued.

Taurus… Uranus is trans-subjunctive against Taurus now. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will tell everyone you care for that you love them is much as an olive pit. They will think you are weird and suggest therapy for you.

Gemini… Saturn is semi–trimodal now. That’s not good for a Gemini. In the future, a farmer will have you arrested for giving his Yak, cardi-yak arrest. It won’t end well for you.

Cancer…The Moon is Square and in opposition now to Cancer at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will snuggle up with a slug. It will be cold and wet. You will feel very uncomfortable. You will smell awful. Like Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is quasi–conjunctive against Leo now. That indicates trouble. In the future, your home will be filled with Oscars and Emmys. Unfortunately you will be arrested for stealing them and face jail time.

Virgo… Venus is tri-genital now and in opposition to Virgo. That’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will be develop the habit of sucking on a frozen dinners. People will think you are weird, and shun you.

Libra… Pluto is tri-hedril now against Libra and on the cusp. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will buy a shotgun from a Shogun and sell it to a showman. You will be arrested for selling firearms without a permit.

Scorpio… Mercury is quasi-oppositional now to Scorpio. That indicates problems for you. In the future, you will trip on a mop or get molested by a Muppet, in either case, it won’t end well.

Sagittarius… Mars is in its second ecliptic now against Sagittarius. That always brings problems. Someday in the future, whenever someone makes a comment, asks a question, or just engages in conversation, you will be compelled to say the following, ”Why is that relevant?” You will lose many friends.

Capricorn… Jupiter is square and in opposition to Capricorn. That is not good. One day, you will be famous for your Mildew Stew. Famous due to all the law suits against you. You will lose everything including the beef stock you used for the concoction.

Aquarius… Neptune is tri-lectic and on the cusp of Aquarius. That foretells problems. In the far future, your enemies will trap you in a box of bauxite. You’ll escape eventually, but you will smell like aluminum for a long time.

Pisces… Venus is di-crotic at this time against Pisces. That’s never a good sign. In the distant future, You will become an apologist for an anthropologist. It will be a boring and unrewarding job. Depression will set in.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Funny Business


I thought this video was pretty funny.

You may have already seen it.

If not, enjoy…

http://mom.me/in-the-loop/26414-orangutan-rofls-magic-trick/

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