Hi there people of Earth.
The charts have been scoured once again to glean the best of the best of predictions for your future.
Let me just say one thing. Pain is in the air.
This week’s pile of you know what includes: beer, taste buds, and the ever popular, lawn jockeys.
Aries… Uranus is trans-conjunctive now. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will be flashed by someone with a flashlight. You will not be happy about it… even though it will enlighten you.
Taurus… Saturn is semi-distal now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, your enemies will hijack your taste buds. The police will later find them scratched, dented, and abandoned in a bad part of town. Your insurance won’t cover the damages.
Gemini… Pluto is in his fourth house plagued with a bedbug problem. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will be too embarrassed to say the word harbinger in public. It will curtail your socializing.
Cancer… The Moon is in full phazer power at the moment, and running low on energy. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the future you will either fall from grace, or get slapped in the face. In either case, it will not be pleasant. Much angst will follow.
Leo… The Sun is peri-hedral now. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will take the day off to watch a baseball playoff. It will bore you to tears or cause you to dunk for leeches. Let us know how that works out.
Virgo… Mercury is trans-conductal at the moment. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future you will awaken with a fear of beers, which will bring you to tears. Let us know how that works out for you.
Libra… Mars is sub-junctive at the moment. That’s never a good sign for a Libra. In the future you will create a new flavor jellybean called, “Wet dog rolled in crap”. Except for Dennis Miller, no one will buy them. You will lose all and become depressed.
Scorpio… The Earth is rising at to fast a rate. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future your paranoia will cause you to petition the government to require everyone who leaves their dwelling to have an Exit Visa. You will be ignored.
Sagittarius… Saturn is in semi-drexel mode now. That’s always bad for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will consult an electrician to convert your power strip into an exotic dancer. Let us know how that works out for you.
Capricorn… Venus is in its third house mopping up after a flood. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. In the future you will spend many months and all your money writing a book called, “How To Tame a Truffle”. Only a few chefs will buy a copy. You won’t be happy about that.
Aquarius…Jupiter is post-phasing now. That’s always a bad sign. One day, in the future, you will start a foundation to provide race horses for all lawn jockeys. It will be a losing proposition.
Pisces… Neptune is rising when it’s supposed to be falling. That’s a bad sign for a Pisces. In the future, after considering the large number of things and people that vanish into thin air, you will lobby the government to make the air thicker. People will think you are weird and avoid you.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved