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horoscope chart








Hello again blog followers and fog wallowers.

Here’s another edition of the only horoscope you’ll never need to read.

The charts for this week indicate more pain and suffering.

In other words, life as usual.

This week’s predictions include:  mannequins, proctologists, and the ever popular, Sinbad The Sailor.


Aries… Mars is in disjunctive mode now. That’s never good for an Aries. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book entitled, “How to Tickle A Truffle”. Only a few Candy Chefs will buy a copy. It will be a great disappointment to you.

Taurus… Venus is having an allergic reaction to solar dust mites. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing a yellow covered book entitled, “Mannequins for Dummies”. Only a few department store window dressers will buy a copy. You will become very depressed and full of regrets.

Gemini… Mercury is in transcendental mode now. That’s never good for a Gemini. In the future, during conversations, you will constantly tell people you agree with them, ”To a point”. Afterwards, your your friends and coworkers will make it a point not to talk to you.

Cancer… The Moon is in low orbital aspect now and in opposition to Cancer. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future, your enemies will try to change you into another species. They will fail, but afterwards you will become specious.

Leo… The Sun is in its seventh house dealing with a termite situation. It doesn’t look good. That foretells problems for you. Sometime in the future, after watching the movie, “Sinbad The Sailor”, you will decide to spend the rest of your life working on an answer to the question, “Did Sinbad really sin bad?” One day you will realize you’ve wasted a lot of time. You will be full of regrets.

Virgo… Uranus is quazi-transitional now. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book entitled, “Sphincter Secrets”. Only a few Proctologists, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. Because of that, you will spend many days, months, and years trying to console your sad sphincter.

Libra… The Earth is square with, and in opposition to Libra at this time. That always brings problems. In the future, you will win first prize in an Ugly Toe Contest and be featured in The Guinness Book of World Records. You will become tired and worn out after people constantly insist on taking a “selfie” with a toe that looks like Ernest Borgnine.

Scorpio… Saturn is trying to sell off a few of its rings to pay off a bet it lost. It’s not going well. That for foretells problems for you. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable desire to have your brain tattooed. Oddly enough, from all the tattoos available, you will choose a tattoo of a brain. It will be painful.

Sagittarius… Neptune is descending into a deep depression, and it’s full of anxiety about that. Hmmm. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will succumb to your urge to visit a laundromat and take a spin in a commercial clothes dryer. The dizziness you will experience afterwards will last for years.

Aquarius… Pluto is trying to get certified in the International Showdog Association. It’s not going well. In the future, you will invest all your money in a new business venture called, Fake Beards for Babies. You will be sued, and lose all, when mothers realize the beards cannot be removed.

Pisces… Mars is in opposition to Pisces but on the cusp of Scorpio. That’s never a good sign. In the future, after considering the large number of things and people that vanish into thin air, you will lobby the government to make the air thicker. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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