Your HORROR – SCOPE for the week of: Mar. 27th, 2016
Welcome to another week’s worth of wonderment.
Some of you, who spend a lot of time involved in astrology, may notice this week’s charts are not that much different then those published in the Farmer’s Almanac on June 13, 1873.
If you do notice such similarities, I pity you. You’ve wasted a lot of frivolous time.
This week’s aggregate of angst includes: barbells, whistling, and the ever popular pickerel.
Aries… The Earth is semi-transitional now and on the cusp of the Aries. That isn’t a good sign for an Aries. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pasta And Pickerels – A Winning Combination”.
Taurus… Mercury is in its fourth House arguing with an interior designer over what color drapes it should purchase. That’s not good for you. Sometime in the future, you will marry a goose farmer and come up with the idea for a new book called, “How To Get Down With Down”. Only a few bedding company executives will buy a copy. You will spend many hours of your days fluffing feathers.
Gemini… Venus is in high transitional orbit now. That’s never a good sign for Gemini. In the future, people will think you are odd when you try to get even with someone. They will be disappointed in you. You will lose many friends.
Cancer… The Moon is in its third house having some floors refinished. It’s not going well. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Play The Barbells For Fun And Profit”. Only a few weightlifters and bodybuilders will buy a copy. Depression will set in.
Leo… The Sun is in its eighth house due to an air conditioning problem. It will cost a fortune to fix it. That’s not a good sign for a Leo. In the distant future, you will get a rash or find some trash. Either way, as a result, you’ll be scratching a lot.
Virgo… Mars is in its second house having the roof inspected. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. In the far distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “The Philosophy Of Pickerels”. You will only sell a couple of copies to some university professors. You and your fish will not be happy.
Libra… Pluto is in its second house arguing with a plumber over the price of re-piping the whole place. It’s not going well. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will be involved with a gravesite or a gun site. Either way you’ll have to dig yourself out of trouble. Good luck with that.
Scorpio… Neptune is rising at an alarming rate. It’s getting nervous. That’s not good for a Scorpio. Sometime in the future, you will form, The Diddly-Squat Foundation, where people can send in their hard earned money so that others can get a foundation grant and then do “diddly-squat”. You will not be happy about that.
Sagittarius… Uranus is in his fourth house meeting with a contractor after a meteor shower. It’s not going very well. That spells trouble for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Recycle Your Cycle.” In spite of your attempts to pedal those books, you will only sell a few copies to a couple of Tour de France competitors.
Capricorn… Mars is in tri-orbital mode now. That’s never good for Capricorn. One day in the future, you will place your residence on the market. It will not sell for months. You‘ll finally realize the Stock Market isn’t the place to sell a home. You’ll be greatly embarrassed.
Aquarius… Saturn is in semi-prolongation mode now. It’s never good for an Aquarius. In the future, you will spend an entire month whistling songs whose titles will baffle you. It will drive you bananas. You’ll finally seek psychiatric help. Unfortunately, as a result, both you and the psychiatrist will end up whistling songs whose titles will baffle the both of you.
Pisces… Neptune is trying to bi-locate at this time. It is not going well. That’s bad for you. Sometime in the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Promote A Pickerel”. You will only sell a few copies to some fishermen, and one to Dennis Miller. Your friends and family will think you are odd.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
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