Hello fellow earthlings.
Once again we present this weeks collection of chaos.
The charts have been read.
The chickens are fed.
We’ve drummed up some dread.
To play with your head.
This weeks predictions include, a Samurai, Evil Knievel, and the ever popular… pantyhose.
Aries… Uranus is yearning to be on the cusp of Aries, but can’t. That portends trouble for you. In the future your enemies will try to brainwash you in a local Laundromat. They won’t succeed, but they will rob you of all your quarters.
Taurus… Saturn is di-genital now. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, you will study to become an artist in order to produce abstract watercolor paintings of Evil Kneivel’s underwear. Years later you will realize the folly of your efforts. You will suffer from depression.
Gemini… Venus is in its third house getting ready for a St. Patrick’s Day party. But, it’s having trouble getting the beer the right shade of green. That’s always a bad sign. In the future your enemies will attempt to pawn your palms. They will be unsuccessful but your hands will hurt a lot.
Cancer… The Moon is quadra-helial mode now. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In order to get into a circus, you will try to out do their sword swallowers by swallowing an actual Samurai Warrior. You will fail in your efforts and walk away in disgrace.
Leo… The Sun is dexi-helio mode now. That’s always a bad sign for a Leo. In the future, you will strain your back lifting a backdrop. It will be aggravating and painful. No medication will help.
Virgo… Mars is suing the Mars Bars Corporation for trademark infringement. It’s not going well for the red planet. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will suffer when you eat some sulphur for supper. Yuck!
Libra… Mercury is getting tired of being hot all the time. That’s not a good sign for a Libra. In the future, you will get gored while riding a skateboard. It will hurt tremendously. You will seek medical help, settling on a quack doctor who will make your condition worse.
Scorpio… Saturn’s rings are ringing and it’s very annoying. That’s a terrible sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will dress up as a clown, then do an impression of James Brown. People will think you are weird and avoid you.
Sagittarius… Pluto is suffering from heartworms at the moment. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will tell the world that Fractionality is the key to all knowledge and understanding. You will attract many followers, but later they will leave you when they realize you don’t know what you’re talking about, kind of like, Dennis Miller.
Capricorn… The Earth is preparing for St. Patrick’s Day, but it can’t find enough shillelaghs to satisfy itself. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will fall in love with a proctologist. The romance will result in a bad ending for you.
Aquarius… Jupiter is bi-coaxial now. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, and you will invest all of your savings in a factory to produce pantyhose for hens. You will lose all when you realize the chickens will only pay for them with eggs. Besides that, the hosiery will run.
Pisces… Venus is upset because it can’t get its cloud cover to turn a proper shade of green for St. Patrick’s Day. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will be known for your sharp wit. Unfortunately you will cut yourself with it and bleed profusely.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved