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horoscope chart







Hello all you lovers of lunatics, and lunar antics.

We have scoured the charts with Brillo pads and have come to several conclusions including; never use a Brillo pad on celestial charts.

This week’s offensive offerings include: rituals, palms, and the ever popular, platypus.


Aries… Venus has a terrible hangover after attending a St. Patrick’s Day party. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will get lost in a complex that is so complex it will change your complexion. Let us know how that works out.

Taurus… The Earth is dexi-hedral to Taurus now. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. One day, you will convince yourself that attending a mortuary school we’ll help you in your study of dead languages. Of course, in the end, it won’t. Unfortunately, you’ll quit your job working at a cemetery.

Gemini… Saturn is di-hedralating now. That’s never a good sign for a Gemini. Someday, you will visit a Pawn Shop in order to pawn yourself to get money for a palm reader. You’ll be thrown out of the place, ironically colliding with a palm tree. It will hurt on many levels.

Cancer… The Moon is in hyperplexic mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months and years writing a book called, ”How To Get Rich With Rituals”. Only a few voodoo priests, and Dennis Miller, will buy a copy. You will not be happy. You will spin around 30 times while balancing a platypus egg on your nose.

Leo… The Sun is in helio-tropical mode now. That’s never good for a Leo. In the distant future, you will try to stop a train with a sweet refrain, but it will be in vain…and bloody. Ouch!

Virgo… Neptune is getting nauseous from a hyper-descent now. That is not good for a Virgo. One day, you will become confused. You will take a course in archeology in order learn how to draw perfect arcs. Of course, you will fail miserably. You’ll become depressed.

Libra… Uranus is di-plexic at this time. That’s not good for you. One day in the future, in an attempt to improve safety, you will petition the music industry to change all “sharps” to “dulls”. You will be ridiculed buy musicians everywhere. You will be sad and lonely for a long time.

Scorpio… Pluto is having problems because its gravitational pull wants to become a gravitational push. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will spend many months and years writing a book called, “Sleeping With Rats For Fun And Profit”. An animal psychologist will be your only customer. Angst will set in.

Sagittarius… Mercury is semi-progenic at this time. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. One day in the future, you’re attempts to leave on time will be in vain, when you’ll be detained, whilst trying to take a train in Maine. What a pain!

Capricorn… Venus is in tri-polemic mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Capricorn. In the future whenever you talk to someone, you’ll have the irresistible compulsion to say, ”I salivated today.” People will think you are weird and avoid you. You will be overcome with sadness.

Aquarius… Jupiter is rising at such a high rate that it’s becoming nauseous. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will shock the world of English teachers with your book called, “Pickerels As Pronouns”. Only a couple of fool hearty fisherman will buy a copy. You will not be happy.

Pisces … Mercury is semi-tangent to Pisces while on the cusp of Gemini. That’s never a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, your lover will buy you a new wedding band. You will like it at first, but hate it later when they continuously play loud, hard rock music, day and night. It will drive you crazy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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