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horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day, seekers of truth and tomorrow.

Once again we offer this week’s selection of future events.

The list includes: a wife, a contractor, and, the ever popular chicken.

We hope you enjoy, and endure.

See you next week with a whole new crop of cacophony.

Aries… Saturn is bipolar at the moment. That’s never a good sign, particularly for an Aries. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, ”How to Make Anchors Out of Ankles.” You will only sell one copy. A retired seaman will buy it. You will feel as though you wasted your life away.

Taurus… Uranus is petulant at the moment. That’s not good for a Taurus. In the future, you will forget the distinction between a summary and a samurai. Your speech will be cut short as a result. Ouch!

Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini and in retrograde. That’s never a good sign for Gemini. In the distant future, you we’ll be involved with a wife or a knife. In either case, your heart will ache as a result.

Cancer… The Moon is both waning and whining now. That’s never a good sign for a cancer. In the distant future, you will be convinced that buying a knapsack will help you sleep better. You will be mistaken… and ridiculed. Some days you will be happy, just being sad.

Leo… The Sun is in di-hedral mode now. It’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will feel terrible and exhausted after you spend many nights on a day bed.

Virgo… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at the moment. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will suddenly realize that you’ve spent many frivolous days and nights wondering why the chicken crossed the road. You will feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Libra… Mercury is in its fourth house dealing with a solar rat problem. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. In the distant future, you will seek the help of a contractor when you realize you have fallen arches. You will not be happy when he nails your feet to the floor. It will hurt a lot. We hope you have good health insurance. You’re going to need it.

Scorpio… Neptune is rising at an accelerated rate, but should be falling at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will undergo hypnosis to try and cure halitosis. It will not work. But, you will have the urge to cluck like a chicken whenever the television is on. Afterwards, you will start an egg business.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in opposition to Sagittarius and at an odd angle. That foretells trouble for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Make Whiskers Whistle”. Only a few barbers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will be discouraged.

Capricorn… Venus is in tri-modal mode. That’s never good for a Capricorn. Sometime in the future, you will experience turpitude or turpentine. In either case, it will be a harrowing experience.

Aquarius… In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Be Alliterate Not Illiterate”. Only a few English teachers will buy you a copy. You will feel as though you wasted your time and effort.

Pisces… Neptune is descending into a sea of depression right now. And it will miss the cusp of Pisces. That’s never a good sign for a Pisces. One day in the future, you will lose hair or lose face. Either way it won’t be a pleasant experience. People will shun you. Let us know how that works out.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Apr. 3rd, 2016" (2)

  1. U R Very welcome. Thanks! 🙂

  2. My horrorscope is hilarious. Thanks for the laughter.

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