Good day all you solar scanners.
Get ready for another edition of your favorite prognostication publication.
The charts are up to their old tricks again.
Things look gloomy for most of you, but that’s nothing new.
This week’s listing of lunacy includes, moonbeams, tennis, and the ever popular anteater.
Aries… Saturn is having another ring job at the moment. It isn’t going well. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will write and produce a play called, “The Follicle Follies”. It will close after a bad case of dandruff develops. Too bad.
Taurus… Venus is tri-modal at this time and on the cusp. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will find yourself hyperventilating after you are stung at a spelling bee. We hope you have an Epipen handy.
Gemini… The Earth is in dexi-hexiliary mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Gemini. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Play Piano Like A Pickerel”. You’ll never get your hands to play together.
Cancer… The Moon is in it’s post di-urinul complex now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop a bumper sticker which says, “I Break For Acne”. You will be ridiculed and ignored. Depression will be your only friend.
Leo… The Sun is in hexigraphical mode now. That’s always a bad sign for a Leo. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Plant A Pickerel”. Only a few fish farmers will buy a copy. You will be sad and lonely.
Virgo… Jupiter is descending, but should be rising now. That’s never a good sign for a Virgo. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Ponder Like A Pickerel”. A philosopher and Dennis Miller will be our only customers. You will remain calm and optimistic… until paranoia sets in.
Libra… Saturn is in di-perplectic mode now. That’s always bad for a Libra. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pamper A Pickerel”. Only a few fishermen will buy a copy. Depression will quickly follow.
Scorpio… Mercury is in a time warp now and doesn’t like it. That spells trouble for you. One day, you will buy some moonbeams in a jar. Unfortunately, you will lose them all when you leave the jar ajar. So sorry.
Sagittarius… Mars is in hyperplectic mode at this time. That isn’t a good sign for you. In the far future, you will be flashed by a Flash Drive while on your computer. Then, your mouse will run off with a rat. You won’t be happy about that. Too bad.
Capricorn… Pluto is rising and getting nauseous at this time. That spells trouble for you. Someday, you will try to serve someone in tennis shoes. They will not love it, and it will be your fault. Let us know how that works out.
Aquarius… Uranus is in opposition to Aquarius and in a tri-modal loop at this time. That’s not a good configuration for you. Someday, after a bout of listlessness, you will feel much better when you remove the anteater from your underwear.
Pisces… Neptune is difurcating and descending at this time. That foretells problems for you. In the far future, you will be under suspicion, or suffer malnutrition. Either way, it won’t be something you’ll enjoy. Angst will be your only friend.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
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