Hi there, all you lovers of fudge… and the future.
We hope you survived last week’s list of predictions.
If you didn’t, you probably aren’t reading this week’s wackiness anyway.
This week’s compilation of cacophony includes: dirty underwear, body hair, and bunions.
Aries… Mercury is in its second house trying to fix a plumbing leak. It’s becoming a disaster. That’s not good for you. At some point in the future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pus Is A Many Splendored Thing”. Dennis Miller will purchase a copy. No one else will take a chance on it. Better luck next time.
Taurus… Jupiter is in its fifth house and can’t leave because the garage door is jammed. It’s not happy about that. It foretells problems for you. Not long from now, someone dressed as a Klingon will wrap you in Cling Wrap. It will be very uncomfortable and dangerous. You will survive, but develop a fear of science fiction.
Gemini… Uranus is in its ninth house having an alarm system installed. It’s not going well. It keeps randomly going of. That’s bad for you. One day you will have a sleepover with dirty underwear. It won’t be very pleasant. Afterwards, you will develop a fear of salad dressing. That’s weird, but we call them the way we see them.
Cancer… The Moon is being charged with lunacy. It isn’t happy about that. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will buy a violin, then marry a physicist in order to study String Theory. Everyone you know will think you are weird and shun you. We wish you well.
Leo… The Sun is getting feverish. That’s not good for anyone. Sometime in the distant future, you will have the urge to put mailing addresses on all placemats. People will think you are weird and avoid you. You won’t be happy about that.
Virgo… Neptune is its seventh house after a fire which occurred when it left a skillet of grease on a hot stove. That’s a terrible sign for you. In the future, you will become stoned after eating Rolling Stone magazines. You will end up in a hospital having your stomach pumped. Yuck!
Libra… Venus is overextended in its credit and is furious about it. That’s not good for you. One day you will feel a need to polish your nails or uncooked snails. Either way, your fingers won’t be happy about it. Let us know how that works out for you.
Scorpio… Saturn is undulating at the moment. That spells trouble for you. Sometime, in the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Live an Odor Free Life”. Only a few pheromone researchers will buy a copy. Sadness will consume you.
Sagittarius… Mars is upset because the Rover ran over its favorite rose bush. That’s not good for you. One day you will take a position as Drill Instructor at a Dental Academy. You will be known for your very strict demeanor and a dirty spit sink.
Capricorn… The Earth is in di-emotive mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. Sometime in the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Selling Body Hair for Fun and Profit”. Only a few dermatologists and a couple of barbers will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.
Aquarius… Neptune is in its fourth house having the piano tuned. It’s going to cost a lot more than expected. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Train Your Bunions”. Only a few podiatrists will buy a copy. You will walk away with nothing in your pockets but lint.
Pisces… Pluto is in its eight house cleaning up after a renter trashed the place. It’s not happy about that. It will mean trouble for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will teach people how to sniffle for fun and profit. It will be a noisy situation. Eventually it will drive you crazy.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved