Good day, delvers into destiny.
Another week has flown by.
This week’s charts have been extra “kooky” in their revelations.
They show predictions involving: cargo, elbows, and the ever popular, car polish.
Aries… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal mode at this time. That’s a terrible sign for an Aries. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “How To Woo A River Rat”. Weird Al will buy a copy and make a hit song out of it. He will make millions, while you make nothing from it. You will not be happy.
Taurus… Mars is in hyper-descending mode now. That’s always bad for a Taurus. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “The Philosophy of Feces”. Dennis Miller will be your only customer. Get ready for a long period of depression, and hand washing.
Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini but in opposition to it. That foretells problems for you. One day in the future, you will petition the government to rename Manatees, Womantees since, after all, they are Sea Cows. Unfortunately you will fail in your attempt. You will not be happy. Well, at least you tried.
Cancer… The Moon is bifurcating at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “Nullify For Fun and Profit”. Only a few lawyers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will consider yourself a failure.
Leo… The Sun is on the cusp of Leo now and in its seventh House. That’s not a good combination for a Leo. Someday, you will meet a mistress in a fortress, but not make much progress in your attempt to egress. Good luck with that.
Virgo… Venus is suffering from a gas problem at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Virgo. One day, in the far future, you will try to ship some cargo to Fargo. Unfortunately, due to heavy snow, the cargo won’t go far in Fargo. You will lose many customers because of that. Your business will fail. Happiness will be a thing of the past.
Libra… The Earth is in it’s eighth house unwrapping gifts it received for Earth Day. Many of them are duplicates. It’s not happy about that. That’s not good for you. Someday, you will plague all your friends and relatives with the question, “Kenya wear a robe in Nairobi?” They will think you are a fool (or worse). They will shun you. Happiness will be a thing of the past.
Scorpio… Mars is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition to it. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the distant future, you will wake up one morning believing stagnation is a country full of male deer. You will try to convince everyone you are correct. It won’t be long before you’re lonely and depressed.
Sagittarius… Saturn is rising but it stocks are falling. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “How to Make Money in the Elbow Licking Business”. You will only sell a few copies to some eager perverts. You will become a laughing stock. Depression and angst will be your only friends.
Capricorn… Mercury is overheating at the moment. That’s never a good sign for Capricorn. One day in the future, you will fly like an eagle… until you crash land like a booby. More then your ego will be injured. We wish you well.
Aquarius… Uranus is in hyper-extensive mode now. That will bring you misfortune. In the not too distant future, you will be robbed by a flock of rouge robins. You will escape with minor injuries and a hatred of birds.
Pisces… Neptune is in dichotomous mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Pisces. In the distant future, you will convince yourself that you should drink a bottle of car polish after people start telling you that you’re a dull wit. Soon afterword, you will take a trip to the emergency room for a stomach pumping procedure. Ouch!
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”