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horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome again, my friends of the past, the present, and of course, the future.

I bring you another week’s worth of wackiness and wonder.

The celestial charts have not been kind to you.

You should be used to that by now.

This weeks renderings will bring you thoughts on earlobes, smirking, and the ever popular, General Grievous.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in opposition to Ares now and square to it. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Leap Like a Lemming”. You will sell many copies of the book, only to lose everything when you are sued by readers who have sustained injuries following your advice.

Taurus… Uranus is in semi-diurnal mode now. That’s never good for a Taurus. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Smirk for Fun and Profit”. Many politicians will buy your book. But, you will later be sued by them when they fail to get re-elected. It will be a messy court battle. As a result, you will lose everything.

Gemini… Mercury is in di-modal compensation now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to File a Grievance against General Grievous”. Only a few Star Wars fans will buy a copy. It will put an end to your writing career.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadra-helix mode now. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will be embarrassed to say the word “morsel” in public. You may just become a loaner.

Leo… The Sun is in hyper-extension mode now. That will bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will be laughed at when you try to sell your Sunday sales papers to a yachtsman. Think about it. You will be ridiculed.

Virgo… Mars is square with Virgo and hyper-extended at this time. That’s not good for a Virgo. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “101 Earlobe Exercises”. You will lose all when a group of ENT physicians sue you for fraud.

Libra… Venus is in tri-modal descendance now. That’s never good for a Libra. One day, you will become confused. You will not know the difference between a cataract and a Cadillac. You will then drive your Caddy into an Ophthalmologist’s office. You will be sued when several people sustained minor injuries. You will not be happy with the outcome.

Scorpio… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars and Scorpio. That foretells problems for you. In the future you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Cure Warts by Sleeping With Toads”. You will only sell one copy… to a dermatologist. You will be stuck with the other 1999 copies.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in high orbital convergence now and on the cusp of Sagittarius. That’s a bad sign for a Sagittarian. In the future you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, ”How to Polish Shinbones for Fun and Profit.” Only a few orthopedic surgeons, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… The Earth is in hyper-dexiconic mode now. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will either flip pancakes or houses. Either way you’ll get burnt. Well at least you will have tried.

Aquarius… In the future, you will do magic tricks for geriatric patients. Unfortunately, most of them will fall asleep during your performance. You will walk away depressed.

Pisces… In the future, a filling in one of your teeth will suddenly start picking up radio stations day and night. The commercials will drive you crazy. You will seek the aid of a dentist who will advise you to become a disc jockey.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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