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Archive for May, 2016

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 29th 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all of you to all of you stargazers.

The charts have been naughty again this week.

It’s just the way to the celestial cookie crumbled.

This week’s selection involves: a windbreaker, light bulbs, and the ever-popular warthog.

Let the suffering begin…

Aries… Saturn is rising at an alarming rate toward the cusp of Aries. That foretells problems for you, or any hat blocker. In the future, whenever anyone asks you a question you will begin your answer with the phrase,” Well, in a nutshell…” For example, if someone asks you how your hydrolater is working. You will answer, “Well, in a nutshell, it got discombobulated when I turned on the fabralater.” Oh… then you’ll stand on your head and recite the alphabet. People will avoid you.

Taurus… Neptune is semi-nostalgic at the moment, and square with Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus, or any Lakers fan. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word scamper in public. It will be added to a long list of other words you’re embarrassed to utter, such as perky, pimp and percussion.

Gemini… Mars is in hyperbolic inversion now. That’s always a problem for a Gemini, or a nocturnal beast. In the future, you we’ll be associated with a throng or a thong. In either case it won’t end well for you. You might want to make sure your health insurance is up to date.

Cancer… The Moon is in high diagonal mode now. That’s not good for a Cancer, or a warthog in heat. Someday in the future, you will ride in a centrifuge or become the center of attention. In either case you’ll end up nauseous. You probably should bring an air sick bag with you at all times.

Leo… The Sun is in quasi opposition to Leo now. That will bring you and many art critics problems. In the distant future, you will either become bulimic or go bowling. In either case, you will not make a very good showing of yourself… kind of like Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Saturn is in dire opposition to Virgo now and on the cusp. That foretells problems for you, and any left-handed dishwasher. Someday, you will buy an extra large windbreaker in an attempt to control your breaking wind problem. People will ridicule you, and avoid you.

Libra… Uranus is in semi-dihedral mode now. That’s always bad for a Libra, and any earwax collectors. One day in the future, you will work with someone named Dirk who will turn out to be a jerk. Your life will be miserable…until you meet someone named Turk. Then your life will be even more miserable. We see no end in sight. Buck up and get strong.

Scorpio… Mercury is in a down slide now. That always brings problems for Scorpios and zamboni operators. In the future you will suffer from warts or be attacked by a warthog. Either way the outcome will not be pleasant.

Sagittarius… Venus is in hyperpletic mode at this time. That will definitely bring you, and naked skydivers problems. In the future you will be convinced that Fractal Economics combined with the hiccups, will solve the world’s problems. Everyone you meet will eventually shun you.

Capricorn… Pluto is in hyper-ecstatic mode now and on the cusp of Capricorn. Those two make for a bad combination for a Capricorn, or bloated pinworms. In the future, you will petition the American Medical Association to certify a course of study leading to the medical specialty of Squirmatology. They will treat people who can’t sit still. You will be there first patient.

Aquarius… The Earth is in quadra-helical extension now. That’s not good for an Aquarius or any chicken plucker. In the future, you and someone named Bob will bob for kabobs in a smelly bog. It will not be a pleasant endeavor. You will go hungry and smell awful.

Pisces… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars and on the cusp of Pisces. That’s a horrible combination for a Pisces or any snake charmer. In the future, you will become very confused and morose. You will start to swallow light bulbs after people tell you to lighten up. You’re intestines will be very gassy and glassy.

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 22nd 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all you lovers of whimsy and what not.

We have another HORROR – Scope for you.

The charts have been scoured by the hour to find a best in unfortunate circumstances for you unfortunate creatures.

Which is something you should be used to by now if you have been following Your HORROR – Scope for any length of time.

This week’s framework of fortunes includes: snowshoes, toe jam, and the ever popular, politician.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is square and in opposition to Aries. That’s not a good sign for an Aries, or a polyglot. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word, “gaggle” in public…especially when geese are about.

Taurus… Uranus is in quasi-modal position now. That’s always bad for a Taurus, or any scab picker. In the future, you’ll find yourself studying mosaic tiles in an attempt to learn more about Moses. You will be ridiculed and avoided, but you’ll have a very nice floor in your home.

Gemini… Mars is semi-distal now and a square with Gemini. That’s always a bad sign for a Gemini, or a dead cat juggler. In the future, you will become so weak you won’t even be able to raise your blood pressure. You will end up in a hospital bed next to a raving heathen wearing snowshoes.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-distal mode now, and on the cusp of Cancer. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer, or any crop duster pilot. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Wallow With Your Wallet”. Only a few pig farmers will buy a copy. You will give up eating pork afterwards.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition and equidistant to Leo at this time. That is not good for a Leo, or any fish farmer. One day in the future, you will find yourself involved with onions or grunions. In either case, it will be an awfully smelly situation, which will linger for a long time.

Virgo… Mercury is in digression now and hyper extended. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo, or a tree root sucker. In the future, you will open a business selling Jewelry for Jowls. Your only customer will be Dennis Miller. You will lose everything. Well, at least you will have tried.

Libra… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this point and can’t get back into alignment. That’s not good for a Libra, or a toe jam collector. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pet A Pickerel”. Only a few fishermen and Weird Al will buy a copy. You will consider your efforts in vain.

Scorpio… Pluto is in diametric opposition to Scorpio now. That’s very bad for a Scorpio, or a duck billed platypus. In the future, you will discover someone you know from Kokomo who plays the banjo for hobos. He will be a con man who will steal everything from you. At least you’ll have your health… for a while.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in sub-conjunctive mode at this time. That’s not good for a Sagittarius, or any wino in Seattle. In the future you’ll be embarrassed to say the word, pneumatic in public. As a result, you will shun association with others.

Capricorn… Venus is on the cusp of Capricorn but in opposition to Jupiter. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn, or any suppository salesman. In the future, you will shock yourself with a Tesla coil to energize yourself. The electrons in your body will revolt causing you to go into convulsions, or a nearby convenience store. It isn’t clear.

Aquarius… Uranus is in trilateral opposition to Aquarius now. That’s not a good sign for an Aquarius, or the target of a circus, blindfolded knife thrower. In the future, you will urge someone to name their child after the Hoover Dam, but they won’t be comfortable with the word, Dam. As a result, they will shun you.

Pisces… The Earth is in diametrical opposition and on the cusp of Pisces. That combination is always bad for a Pisces, or a whale surfer. One day, you will meet an electrician or a politician. In either case you’ll be shocked by their antics

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 15th 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back friends of the future.

We have another delightful pot of prognostication for you.

Unfortunately, once again, the contents are spoiled.

This weeks recipe called for: marmalade, sunscreen, and the ever popular, ants.

It’s time to dig in…

Aries… Mercury is in a foul mood because of overheating. That’s not good for an Aries, or a porcupine collector. One day you will awaken not knowing the difference between Snickers and sneakers. You won’t discover the difference until you’ve eaten a dozen pairs of Nikes. You will become quite embarrassed, and it nauseous.

Taurus… Venus is in tri-liptic mode now. That’s not a good sign for a Taurus, or for a hay baler mechanic. In the future, you will spend many years and much money inventing a marmalade cloaking device, only to find out you’ve been wasting your time, since most people don’t like marmalade to begin with. You will be greatly embarrassed.

Gemini… Venus is in opposition to Gemini and square with it. That’s never a good sign for Gemini, or a cat juggler. In the future, you will be reprimanded by a reprobate on probation. A fight will ensue, leading to your probation. Better luck next time.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now and on the cusp of Cancer. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer, or a mime. One day, you will drop an old copy of Life Magazine. You will call for an ambulance, and immediately begin CPR to revive it. You will be ridiculed when you relate the story to your friends and family.

Leo… The Sun is nearing its apex now and is in opposition to Leo. That’s definitely a bad sign for a Leo, as well as any feather merchant. In the future, you will get a painful sunburn when you tend to your sunflowers without applying sun screen.

Vertigo… Mars is in semi-brackish mode now. That will only bring you problems. One day in the future, you’re enemies will attempt to to sugar coat you then feed you to some ants. You will escape with many ant bites and much itching.

Libra… Saturn is in semi-disjunctive mode now. That’s never good for a Libra, or any cat whisperer. In the future, your relatives will think you’re creepy when you date a vampire bat. We say, to each his own. Good luck.

Scorpio… Pluto is in semi-digestive mode now. That’s never good for a Scorpio, or a tree hugger. In the future, people will think you are odd when you spend all your time trying to determine the combination to a warlock.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in trans-alignment mode now with Sagittarius. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius, Dennis Miller, or a licorice twirler. In the future, you will roll your own cigarettes…uphill. It will be an exhausting affair, which will go up in smoke.

Capricorn… Mars is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never a good sign for Capricorn or an olive pit collector. In the future, your enemies will try to to dangle you, or mangle you. In any case, the outcome won’t be pleasant.

Aquarius… Uranus is in demi-conjunctive mode now. That’s not good for an Aquarius, or a mouth breather. In the future, you will become greatly nauseous or cautious. In either case it will lead to chronic depression.

Pisces… Neptune is in semi-dilution mode at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces, or a sword swallower. In the distant future, you will gargle in a garden near a gargoyle every 15 minutes. You will eventually find yourself under observation in a mental hospital which does not allow gargling.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 8th 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back seekers of solar system science.

We’re here with another rendering of celestial hijinks.

We hope you can hold up under the strain.

This week’s collection includes, geese, sunflowers, and the ever popular Odor-Eaters.

Enjoy…

Aries… Jupiter is falling and in opposition to Aries. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will develop a chameleon type skin to allow people hide anywhere. Unfortunately, once used it will not be reversible. People you cannot even see will sue you. Better luck next time.

Taurus… Pluto is hyper-conjunctive at the moment. That’s not a good sign for Taurus. In the far future, you will start a charity foundation called, “Odor-Eaters Anonymous”. People will think you are weird. You will lose many friends.

Gemini… Saturn is di-conjunctive at the moment. That’s not good for a Gemini. Sometime in the future, you will forget your shoe size or be ostracized. In either case it will not be a happy experience.

Cancer… The Moon is in hyper-lunacity at the moment. It’s never good for a Cancer. In the far future, you will spend a lot of time and money writing a book called, “How to Grease Your Canadian Geese”. Only a few farmers and a handful of hunters will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.

Leo… The Sun is an hyper angst mode at the moment. There’s never a good sign for a Leo. Someday in the future, you will be embarrassed and afraid to utter the word “carcass” in public. You will spend a lot of time alone… kind of like Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Uranus is in quasi-tensive mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop pouchy cheeks in order to store food for the winter. Your speech patterns will be quite erratic. Squirrels and chipmunks will be your only friends.

Libra… The Earth is hypertensive at the moment. That’s a terrible sign for a Libra. In the future, you will get recognition from The Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s longest nose hairs. That sounds interesting.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition to it. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will be burned by a sunflower’s solar flare. Ouch!

Sagittarius… Mars is in hyper subjunctive mode now. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the far future, you will be involved with something generic or barbaric. In either case, the outcome will not be good for you.

Aquarius… Venus is in tri-conjunctive mode now. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will eat beef jerky while vacationing in Turkey. Immediately afterwards, you will become dizzy and fall into water that is murky. It sounds quirky, but that’s what’s in the charts.

Pisces… Neptune is in the doldrums right now and wants to get out. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the not too distant future, you will become confused. You will hoard gasoline in an attempt to keep your Internet “search engine” running.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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