Welcome back seekers of solar system science.
We’re here with another rendering of celestial hijinks.
We hope you can hold up under the strain.
This week’s collection includes, geese, sunflowers, and the ever popular Odor-Eaters.
Aries… Jupiter is falling and in opposition to Aries. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will develop a chameleon type skin to allow people hide anywhere. Unfortunately, once used it will not be reversible. People you cannot even see will sue you. Better luck next time.
Taurus… Pluto is hyper-conjunctive at the moment. That’s not a good sign for Taurus. In the far future, you will start a charity foundation called, “Odor-Eaters Anonymous”. People will think you are weird. You will lose many friends.
Gemini… Saturn is di-conjunctive at the moment. That’s not good for a Gemini. Sometime in the future, you will forget your shoe size or be ostracized. In either case it will not be a happy experience.
Cancer… The Moon is in hyper-lunacity at the moment. It’s never good for a Cancer. In the far future, you will spend a lot of time and money writing a book called, “How to Grease Your Canadian Geese”. Only a few farmers and a handful of hunters will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.
Leo… The Sun is an hyper angst mode at the moment. There’s never a good sign for a Leo. Someday in the future, you will be embarrassed and afraid to utter the word “carcass” in public. You will spend a lot of time alone… kind of like Dennis Miller.
Virgo… Uranus is in quasi-tensive mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop pouchy cheeks in order to store food for the winter. Your speech patterns will be quite erratic. Squirrels and chipmunks will be your only friends.
Libra… The Earth is hypertensive at the moment. That’s a terrible sign for a Libra. In the future, you will get recognition from The Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s longest nose hairs. That sounds interesting.
Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition to it. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will be burned by a sunflower’s solar flare. Ouch!
Sagittarius… Mars is in hyper subjunctive mode now. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the far future, you will be involved with something generic or barbaric. In either case, the outcome will not be good for you.
Aquarius… Venus is in tri-conjunctive mode now. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will eat beef jerky while vacationing in Turkey. Immediately afterwards, you will become dizzy and fall into water that is murky. It sounds quirky, but that’s what’s in the charts.
Pisces… Neptune is in the doldrums right now and wants to get out. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the not too distant future, you will become confused. You will hoard gasoline in an attempt to keep your Internet “search engine” running.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”