Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

Welcome back friends of the future.

We have another delightful pot of prognostication for you.

Unfortunately, once again, the contents are spoiled.

This weeks recipe called for: marmalade, sunscreen, and the ever popular, ants.

It’s time to dig in…

Aries… Mercury is in a foul mood because of overheating. That’s not good for an Aries, or a porcupine collector. One day you will awaken not knowing the difference between Snickers and sneakers. You won’t discover the difference until you’ve eaten a dozen pairs of Nikes. You will become quite embarrassed, and it nauseous.

Taurus… Venus is in tri-liptic mode now. That’s not a good sign for a Taurus, or for a hay baler mechanic. In the future, you will spend many years and much money inventing a marmalade cloaking device, only to find out you’ve been wasting your time, since most people don’t like marmalade to begin with. You will be greatly embarrassed.

Gemini… Venus is in opposition to Gemini and square with it. That’s never a good sign for Gemini, or a cat juggler. In the future, you will be reprimanded by a reprobate on probation. A fight will ensue, leading to your probation. Better luck next time.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now and on the cusp of Cancer. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer, or a mime. One day, you will drop an old copy of Life Magazine. You will call for an ambulance, and immediately begin CPR to revive it. You will be ridiculed when you relate the story to your friends and family.

Leo… The Sun is nearing its apex now and is in opposition to Leo. That’s definitely a bad sign for a Leo, as well as any feather merchant. In the future, you will get a painful sunburn when you tend to your sunflowers without applying sun screen.

Vertigo… Mars is in semi-brackish mode now. That will only bring you problems. One day in the future, you’re enemies will attempt to to sugar coat you then feed you to some ants. You will escape with many ant bites and much itching.

Libra… Saturn is in semi-disjunctive mode now. That’s never good for a Libra, or any cat whisperer. In the future, your relatives will think you’re creepy when you date a vampire bat. We say, to each his own. Good luck.

Scorpio… Pluto is in semi-digestive mode now. That’s never good for a Scorpio, or a tree hugger. In the future, people will think you are odd when you spend all your time trying to determine the combination to a warlock.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in trans-alignment mode now with Sagittarius. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius, Dennis Miller, or a licorice twirler. In the future, you will roll your own cigarettes…uphill. It will be an exhausting affair, which will go up in smoke.

Capricorn… Mars is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never a good sign for Capricorn or an olive pit collector. In the future, your enemies will try to to dangle you, or mangle you. In any case, the outcome won’t be pleasant.

Aquarius… Uranus is in demi-conjunctive mode now. That’s not good for an Aquarius, or a mouth breather. In the future, you will become greatly nauseous or cautious. In either case it will lead to chronic depression.

Pisces… Neptune is in semi-dilution mode at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces, or a sword swallower. In the distant future, you will gargle in a garden near a gargoyle every 15 minutes. You will eventually find yourself under observation in a mental hospital which does not allow gargling.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

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