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horoscope chart







Good day to all of you to all of you stargazers.

The charts have been naughty again this week.

It’s just the way to the celestial cookie crumbled.

This week’s selection involves: a windbreaker, light bulbs, and the ever-popular warthog.

Let the suffering begin…

Aries… Saturn is rising at an alarming rate toward the cusp of Aries. That foretells problems for you, or any hat blocker. In the future, whenever anyone asks you a question you will begin your answer with the phrase,” Well, in a nutshell…” For example, if someone asks you how your hydrolater is working. You will answer, “Well, in a nutshell, it got discombobulated when I turned on the fabralater.” Oh… then you’ll stand on your head and recite the alphabet. People will avoid you.

Taurus… Neptune is semi-nostalgic at the moment, and square with Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus, or any Lakers fan. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word scamper in public. It will be added to a long list of other words you’re embarrassed to utter, such as perky, pimp and percussion.

Gemini… Mars is in hyperbolic inversion now. That’s always a problem for a Gemini, or a nocturnal beast. In the future, you we’ll be associated with a throng or a thong. In either case it won’t end well for you. You might want to make sure your health insurance is up to date.

Cancer… The Moon is in high diagonal mode now. That’s not good for a Cancer, or a warthog in heat. Someday in the future, you will ride in a centrifuge or become the center of attention. In either case you’ll end up nauseous. You probably should bring an air sick bag with you at all times.

Leo… The Sun is in quasi opposition to Leo now. That will bring you and many art critics problems. In the distant future, you will either become bulimic or go bowling. In either case, you will not make a very good showing of yourself… kind of like Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Saturn is in dire opposition to Virgo now and on the cusp. That foretells problems for you, and any left-handed dishwasher. Someday, you will buy an extra large windbreaker in an attempt to control your breaking wind problem. People will ridicule you, and avoid you.

Libra… Uranus is in semi-dihedral mode now. That’s always bad for a Libra, and any earwax collectors. One day in the future, you will work with someone named Dirk who will turn out to be a jerk. Your life will be miserable…until you meet someone named Turk. Then your life will be even more miserable. We see no end in sight. Buck up and get strong.

Scorpio… Mercury is in a down slide now. That always brings problems for Scorpios and zamboni operators. In the future you will suffer from warts or be attacked by a warthog. Either way the outcome will not be pleasant.

Sagittarius… Venus is in hyperpletic mode at this time. That will definitely bring you, and naked skydivers problems. In the future you will be convinced that Fractal Economics combined with the hiccups, will solve the world’s problems. Everyone you meet will eventually shun you.

Capricorn… Pluto is in hyper-ecstatic mode now and on the cusp of Capricorn. Those two make for a bad combination for a Capricorn, or bloated pinworms. In the future, you will petition the American Medical Association to certify a course of study leading to the medical specialty of Squirmatology. They will treat people who can’t sit still. You will be there first patient.

Aquarius… The Earth is in quadra-helical extension now. That’s not good for an Aquarius or any chicken plucker. In the future, you and someone named Bob will bob for kabobs in a smelly bog. It will not be a pleasant endeavor. You will go hungry and smell awful.

Pisces… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars and on the cusp of Pisces. That’s a horrible combination for a Pisces or any snake charmer. In the future, you will become very confused and morose. You will start to swallow light bulbs after people tell you to lighten up. You’re intestines will be very gassy and glassy.

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