Another week has flown by under the radar.
It was thrust upon us by the mechanics of the celestial sphere.
It was brought to our attention that last week, we inadvertently missed a reading for Capricorn.
The person and/or persons involved have all been fired and are now holding handmade signs at street corners across the country begging for money or a good tip on a winning horse.
This week’s concoction includes: false eyelashes, a peculiar calendar, and the ever-popular colander.
Aries… Uranus is in opposition with Aries and on the cusp of Leo. That always brings trouble for an Aries. In the future, your enemies will try to take your breath away. They won’t succeed, but you’ll wheeze a lot afterwards.
Taurus… Saturn is in tri-modal position now. That’s never good for a Taurus. Sometime in the future, you will fall into a gorge or gorge yourself. Either way it will be painful. You will end up in an emergency room.
Gemini… Mercury is tri-modal at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Gemini. One day, your enemies will attempt to make out of focus. They will be unsuccessful; however afterwards you will have the compulsion to wear false eyelashes.
Cancer… The Moon is in opposition to cancer and on the bias. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will either meet the Dali Lama or Dolly Parton. In either case, your intentions will be misread. You’ll be handed over to security, where you will receive a severe tongue-lashing. It will be wet and smelly, like Dennis Miller.
Leo… The Sun is in his fifth house having some solar panels installed. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. Someday, you will become a matchmaker or a mess maker. Either way it spells trouble for you.
Virgo… Venus is in post-peripheral position now. That’s never a good sign for a Virgo. In the distant future, you will invent a new kind of eyewash. The business will eventually fail after you’ve been sued a number of times by customers whose eyes have been injured by the spinning brushes and the caustic soap.
Libra… Mars is in di-helical mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will see photos of your face on a calendar…from the late 1800’s. It will shock you and it will produce many unanswerable questions in your mind. You will become a hermit and ponder on it while living in a cave.
Scorpio… The Earth is in plexi-orientational mode now. That’s not a very good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will have the compelling urge to call the police and hysterically shout, “My underwear has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom.” You will be escorted to a mental hospital.
Sagittarius… Saturn is in poly-dicential mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you become obsessed with the idea of inventing a colander that will put a strain on peoples’ relationships. You will be ridiculed.
Capricorn… In the future, you will become a famous debunker. You will actually prove that you do not exist. People will think you are weird and avoid you.
Aquarius… Jupiter is in misalignment with Mars. That always foretells problems for an Aquarius. In the future, you will be obsessed with the idea that you will become royalty as soon you install crown molding in your residence. Everyone will think you are weird.
Pisces… Neptune is in quasi-directional mode now. That’s always bad for a Pisces. In the future, you will become muscle bound, or homeward bound. It could go either way, but it will be painful.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved