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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 26th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello folks.

Another week has flown by under the radar.

It was thrust upon us by the mechanics of the celestial sphere.

It was brought to our attention that last week, we inadvertently missed a reading for Capricorn.

The person and/or persons involved have all been fired and are now holding handmade signs at street corners across the country begging for money or a good tip on a winning horse.

This week’s concoction includes: false eyelashes, a peculiar calendar, and the ever-popular colander.

Good luck…

Aries… Uranus is in opposition with Aries and on the cusp of Leo. That always brings trouble for an Aries. In the future, your enemies will try to take your breath away. They won’t succeed, but you’ll wheeze a lot afterwards.

Taurus… Saturn is in tri-modal position now. That’s never good for a Taurus. Sometime in the future, you will fall into a gorge or gorge yourself. Either way it will be painful. You will end up in an emergency room.

Gemini… Mercury is tri-modal at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Gemini. One day, your enemies will attempt to make out of focus. They will be unsuccessful; however afterwards you will have the compulsion to wear false eyelashes.

Cancer… The Moon is in opposition to cancer and on the bias. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will either meet the Dali Lama or Dolly Parton. In either case, your intentions will be misread. You’ll be handed over to security, where you will receive a severe tongue-lashing. It will be wet and smelly, like Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is in his fifth house having some solar panels installed. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. Someday, you will become a matchmaker or a mess maker. Either way it spells trouble for you.

Virgo… Venus is in post-peripheral position now. That’s never a good sign for a Virgo. In the distant future, you will invent a new kind of eyewash. The business will eventually fail after you’ve been sued a number of times by customers whose eyes have been injured by the spinning brushes and the caustic soap.

Libra… Mars is in di-helical mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will see photos of your face on a calendar…from the late 1800’s. It will shock you and it will produce many unanswerable questions in your mind. You will become a hermit and ponder on it while living in a cave.

Scorpio… The Earth is in plexi-orientational mode now. That’s not a very good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will have the compelling urge to call the police and hysterically shout, “My underwear has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom.” You will be escorted to a mental hospital.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in poly-dicential mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you become obsessed with the idea of inventing a colander that will put a strain on peoples’ relationships. You will be ridiculed.

Capricorn… In the future, you will become a famous debunker. You will actually prove that you do not exist. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in misalignment with Mars. That always foretells problems for an Aquarius. In the future, you will be obsessed with the idea that you will become royalty as soon you install crown molding in your residence. Everyone will think you are weird.

Pisces… Neptune is in quasi-directional mode now. That’s always bad for a Pisces. In the future, you will become muscle bound, or homeward bound. It could go either way, but it will be painful.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 19th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello fellow stargazers and hog raisers.

It’s time again for another reading of the charts.

We scoured them, we scrubbed them, we soaked them, but they still turned out bad.

This week’s readings include: chickens, cowboys, and the ever-popular…sideshow.

Have fun.

Try not to scream… too loudly.

Aries… The Earth is in diagonal-oppositional mode at this time. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but the medium will eventually become depressed and will be horrible to live with. You will spend the rest of your days in sadness and regret.

Taurus… Venus is in opposition and square with Taurus now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown four more elbows. You will eventually lose your job. You will take side jobs at a sideshow to make ends meet. It will be very difficult for you.

Gemini… Mars is in hyper-eclectic mode now. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will begin a new venture. You open up a new business. You will become a world re-nowned chicken groomer. People will flock to your place of business. Unfortunately, you’re successful be short-lived. You partner in life will become jealous and do nothing but henpeck you for the rest of your days.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now. That’s always bad for a Cancer. Sometime in the distant future, your enemies stir up trouble. They will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. You won’t like it bit; especially after they take tight reign over you and force you to enter horse races. Eventually you will end up with saddle sores and sore muscles. It will be painful.

Leo… The Sun is in peri-hedrinal mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turns into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but he will always find you. Your life will be miserable after you get saddled with all the unpaid bills he has accumulated. He will milk you for all you got.

Virgo… Pluto is trying to get a publicity photo taken, but it’s not having any luck. That’s bad for you. Someday in the future, you will fall in love with a rowdy Rodeo Clown. The two of you will horse around a lot and get into a lot of trouble. The two of you will end up in jail for a time. That’s no bull!

Libra… Saturn is in retrograde against Libra now. That’s unfortunate for you. In the distant future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates…then figs…then prunes. You will spend a lot of time in the restroom with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That’s always an unfortunate sign for a Scorpio. In the somewhat distant future, you will see many open doors or saddle sores. In either case, it won’t work out well for you. Your success will hinge on your attitude. Depression will set in. You’ll become sad and lonely. You will feel locked out of life.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in a double-helixical mode now against Sagittarius. Too bad for you. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive. It will be an embarrassing situation. People will lose confidence in your athletic abilities. That will take a real byte out of you. It will sadden you.

Aquarius… Neptune is in high angular motion at this time. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will be arrested by the grammar police for the flagrant use of alliteration. Eventually, you will be bailed out by a bailiff chewing on a bay leaf in Bayonne. You’ll be a changed person afterwards.

Pisces… Venus is in lower aspect now against Pisces. Trouble is in your future. In the not too distant future, you will tell everyone you meet a new joke you developed. It goes like this: Did you hear about the skydiver who landed on Broadway? He was thrown out of the show when he got his lines all crossed up. You won’t get very many laughs. In fact, you get thrown out of most places after telling it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 12th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello fellow stargazers.

Once again, the celestial sphere is in critical mass resulting in another list of mind-bending predictions.

This weeks conglomeration includes: garlic, a Viking, and the ever popular Umpa-Lumpas.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in semi-diurnal position now. That is not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you are going to use one of those germ killers that kill 99 %of the germs, but you won’t rest until you find the last 1 percent. You won’t sleep for weeks looking for them.

Taurus… Venus is suffering from excess gas at the moment. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, you will lose many friends after you win a garlic-eating contest at a county fair.

Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini and in juxtaposition to Mars. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will be arrested for jostling Jocelyn, Joyce and Josephine. You will spend some time in jail alongside Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The Moon is in hyper perplectic mode now. That’s a troubling sign for you. Sometime in the future, you will convince yourself that there really is an Umpa-Lumpa Land. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it.

Leo… The Sun is in lower-helial position now and in opposition to Leo. That portends problems for you. In the somewhat distant future, an electrician will give you some shocking news. It will get you all wired up to the point where you will blow a fuse. Let’s hope you can handle that.

Virgo… Saturn is in quadra-dialectic mode now. It’s never a good sign for a Virgo. One day, a wolf in sheep’s clothing will pull the wool over your eyes in textile factory. You will break out after an allergic reaction.

Libra… Jupiter is in its eighth house having some window treatments installed. Things aren’t going well. That means trouble for you. One day in the future, a Viking on a viaduct will vanquish you. It will not be a pleasant experience.

Scorpio… Uranus is it in the urinal business now and not doing well. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will be obsessed with the phrase, “mumbo-jumbo”. You will try to fit it in every conversation as often as possible. People will think you are weird. They will avoid you.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in tri-quadrinal position now and square with Sagittarius. That is not a good combination. In the future you will showcase your collection of rectal thermometers only to discover you should have cleaned them before you put them on display.

Capricorn… Mars is in oppositional mode now. That’s always bad for a Capricorn or a day-tripper. One day in the future your tongue will suddenly cleave to the roof of your mouth. That will cause you much distress especially in the area of communications with others. Good luck with that.

Pisces… The Earth is in counter-opposition and square with Pisces now. Those two things are never good for a Pisces. In the future you will spend much time and money developing the perfect peanut butter to feed jellyfish. It will be a huge waste of time, ending in depression for you.

Aquarius… Neptune is in its fourth house and has just discovered that all the fish in its aquarium have died. That’s not a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, a judge will issue you a gag order. Afterwards, you will constantly shove your finger down your throat in order to comply. It will not be pleasant. People will avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 5th, 2016


 

horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all you wonderers of wonderment.

We have scraped the bottom of the barrel and came up with another list of lunacy.

This week’s recipe called for: dinner rolls, squinting, and the ever popular, Rudyard Kipling.

Let’s get to it quickly before the pain sets in.

Aries… Pluto is in high axial mode now, and on the cusp of Aries. That’s usually a bad sign. In the future you will petition the Pentagon to use fabric softener on all military hardware to make it easier on the troops. Eventually, they will ban you from all of their installations.

Taurus… Uranus is in double equinox now and in opposition to Taurus. That’s not a good combination. In the future, you’ll find it handy to have a few hand grenades around. It will be part of your explosive personality. Have fun with that.

Gemini… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate and square with Gemini at this time. That’s not a good combination for a Gemini. In the future, you’ll become confused. You will try to make a large deposit of dinner rolls into your account at a banquet. People will ridicule you. Depression will set in. At least you won’t go hungry.

Cancer… The Moon is quadra-helical at the moment. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future you will lose a wig while wiggling in a wigwam. You will be greatly embarrassed. Native Americans, and belly dancers will shun you. Sadness will set in.

Leo… The Sun is in marginal aspect now and in opposition to Leo. That will bring your trouble. In the distant future, you spend many hours and lots of money writing a book called, ”How to Squint for Fun and Profit.” Your only customer will be Dennis Miller. Afterwards, you will become sad and lonely.

Virgo… Venus is in tri-diaxial mode and in opposition to vertigo. That’s not a very good sign for a Virgo. In the future, whenever you meet someone, in any situation, you will say, “What’s all the folderol?” People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Libra… Mars is in lower opposition to Libra now and on the cusp. That’s a terrible sign for Libra. In the future, you will be very distraught when someone tries to pick your pocket…with an ice pick. Ouch!

Scorpio… Saturn is in dihedral mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the distant future, you will model prison clothing while on a cell phone in Cincinnati. The stripes will make you look short and fat. You will not be happy about that.

Sagittarius… In the distant future, you will become a squirrel whisperer. You will spend many hours sitting in trees talking to squirrels. Eventually you will be put in mental institution. You’re only visitors will be squirrels and the occasional chipmunk.

Capricorn… One day in the future, you will fall in love with a lawyer who will turn out to be a liar. Most of the time, the lawyer will lie about lying. Your life will be ruined.

Aquarius… Neptune is in opposition to Aquarius and bi-modal now. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will either become engrossed in Rudyard Kipling, or fascinated with stippling. In either case, in the long run, it will be very boring for you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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