Good day to all you wonderers of wonderment.
We have scraped the bottom of the barrel and came up with another list of lunacy.
This week’s recipe called for: dinner rolls, squinting, and the ever popular, Rudyard Kipling.
Let’s get to it quickly before the pain sets in.
Aries… Pluto is in high axial mode now, and on the cusp of Aries. That’s usually a bad sign. In the future you will petition the Pentagon to use fabric softener on all military hardware to make it easier on the troops. Eventually, they will ban you from all of their installations.
Taurus… Uranus is in double equinox now and in opposition to Taurus. That’s not a good combination. In the future, you’ll find it handy to have a few hand grenades around. It will be part of your explosive personality. Have fun with that.
Gemini… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate and square with Gemini at this time. That’s not a good combination for a Gemini. In the future, you’ll become confused. You will try to make a large deposit of dinner rolls into your account at a banquet. People will ridicule you. Depression will set in. At least you won’t go hungry.
Cancer… The Moon is quadra-helical at the moment. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future you will lose a wig while wiggling in a wigwam. You will be greatly embarrassed. Native Americans, and belly dancers will shun you. Sadness will set in.
Leo… The Sun is in marginal aspect now and in opposition to Leo. That will bring your trouble. In the distant future, you spend many hours and lots of money writing a book called, ”How to Squint for Fun and Profit.” Your only customer will be Dennis Miller. Afterwards, you will become sad and lonely.
Virgo… Venus is in tri-diaxial mode and in opposition to vertigo. That’s not a very good sign for a Virgo. In the future, whenever you meet someone, in any situation, you will say, “What’s all the folderol?” People will think you are weird and avoid you.
Libra… Mars is in lower opposition to Libra now and on the cusp. That’s a terrible sign for Libra. In the future, you will be very distraught when someone tries to pick your pocket…with an ice pick. Ouch!
Scorpio… Saturn is in dihedral mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the distant future, you will model prison clothing while on a cell phone in Cincinnati. The stripes will make you look short and fat. You will not be happy about that.
Sagittarius… In the distant future, you will become a squirrel whisperer. You will spend many hours sitting in trees talking to squirrels. Eventually you will be put in mental institution. You’re only visitors will be squirrels and the occasional chipmunk.
Capricorn… One day in the future, you will fall in love with a lawyer who will turn out to be a liar. Most of the time, the lawyer will lie about lying. Your life will be ruined.
Aquarius… Neptune is in opposition to Aquarius and bi-modal now. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will either become engrossed in Rudyard Kipling, or fascinated with stippling. In either case, in the long run, it will be very boring for you.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved