Hello there all you horoscopic minded people.
We’re back again with another load of linguistic lunacy.
The charts have been as horrible as usual.
This week’s listings include a street sweeper, curtains, and the ever popular…school of hard knocks.
Enjoy…if you can.
Aries… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time and in opposition to Aries. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. You will consult a psychiatrist who will have you committed. Thorazine we will be your medication du jour.
Taurus… Venus is in hyper-perplectic mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will encounter a street sweeper or a gatekeeper. In either case, you will experience a lot of pain.
Gemini… Pluto is in its third house treating a flea problem once again. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will attempt to make you more whimsical. Unfortunately it will not work. You will become whiny instead. People will avoid you like the plague.
Cancer… The Moon is semi-modal now and Square with cancer. Those two make a deadly combination for a Cancer. In the future, you will develop a unique mental condition. Suddenly, curtains will make you uncertain. There will be no cure for it.
Leo… The Sun is in strict opposition to Leo at this time. That’s a terrible position to be in. In the future, you will win a free trip into outer space… in a spaceship traveling to the sun. Be sure to take plenty of ice, and Dennis Miller along.
Virgo… Venus is perpendicular and in opposition to Virgo. It spells trouble for you. In the future, you will suddenly find yourself addressing everyone you meet as Mr. Carstairs. People will avoid you, thinking you are crazy. Depression will set in.
Libra… Mars is hyper-dilectical at this time. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will develop a pumpkin patch. You will advertise it during the Halloween season. Unfortunately for you, people will not be interested in patching their pumpkins. You will lose a lot of money on the venture.
Scorpio… Uranus is in double opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will suddenly take action on your idea that you should collect jars of methane to use as a fuel in an emergency. The collection process will be dreadful. People will think you are weird.
Sagittarius… Saturn is in hyperbolic mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, your enemies we’ll try to disenfranchise you. They will not succeed, however it will be a messy affair. You will be sad and depressed most of the time.
Capricorn… The Earth is square and in opposition to Capricorn now. That’s an unfortunate combination for a Capricorn. In an attempt to become more ocean friendly, you will attempt to memorize the dates and times of all high and low tides throughout the world. You will end that project on a low note when you suddenly realize a hermit crab has already done it.
Aquarius… Mercury is misaligned with Mars at this time and in retrograde. That’s not a good combination for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused. You will buy armor and hire an army to fortify your fortnight. You will lose lots of money and become a laughing stock among your friends and relatives.
Pisces… Saturn is in opposition to Pisces and in super-hyglemic mode at the moment. That will only bring you trouble. Sometime in the future, you will become a tutor at a school of hard knocks. The stories you will hear will depress you. You will quit your job and become a hermit.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh