Hello my fine unfettered friends.
Hungry for another hunk of horror?
We at HORROR – Scope Central certainly are.
This weeks charts are as unfavorable as ever.
They include a banana split, bodysnatching, and the ever-popular, squirrel genitals.
Aries… Neptune is in opposition and perpendicular to Aries. That’s not a good combination. Soon your interests will lie in bodybuilding. Shortly after, the police will catch you digging up bodies.
Taurus… Saturn is in hyper-perigee now and square with Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus. In the future, you will either have a banana split or develop a split personality. It could go either way. Afterwards, you’ll be running in two directions at once.
Gemini… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate and is in retrograde mode. That combination is always a bad sign for Gemini. In the future, you will become obsessed with the idea of getting a Human Equivalency Certificate. People will think you are weird.
Cancer… The Moon is locked in its seventh house and can’t get out. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will journey to Tibet or place a bet. Either way you’ll lose a lot of money.
Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo now. That’s never good. In the future, you will remove your hippocampus and take it to a campus near the pampas. People will think you are weird.
Virgo… Mars is in high vitriolic mode now. That’s not good for a Virgo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.
Libra… Venus is in high aspect now against Libra. That’s not good for a Libra. In the future, you will become confused and take your rib eye steak to an ophthalmologist for an exam.
Scorpio… Pluto is in low orbital aspect now and in opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. Soon, a herd of flying elephants will rain on your parade. Some of them will even crap on it.
Sagittarius… The Earth is in high modal apogee now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will become a fashion designer. But, you will only specialize in the word, Fashion.
Capricorn… Neptune is square and in opposition to Capricorn at this time. That combination is not good for a Capricorn. In the future, your enemies will try to infuse you with secret herbs and spices. They will not fully succeed. Afterwards, chefs from all over the world, and Dennis Miller, will stalk you.
Aquarius… Jupiter is in its seventh house suffering from a massive migraine. That’s not good for an Aquarius. In the future, the pain in your throat will stop after you stop eating pine needles.
Pisces… Venus is in high orbital opposition to Pisces now. That’s not a good configuration. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. People will be appalled.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved