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horoscope chart







Good day to all of you anti-prognosticator haters out there.

We hope you’ve survived another week of gloom.

If so, we are ready to heap another week of despondency upon you.

This weeks charts have been mean as ever.

They include: an aviary, underlayment and the ever-popular flax seed.


Aries… Venus is in its third house anxiously waiting the moving company to arrive. It’s getting late and Venus is irritable. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. You’ll be sorry, shortly after you visit a rain forest. Why? You will become enraged when a wild airborne parrot breaks the glass jar containing your collection of cherry pits.

Taurus… Jupiter is in hyper-dissension mode now. That’ll only cause you problems. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to make you nebulous. They will not succeed, however it will prompt you to become a hermit.

Gemini… Mercury is in orbital recession at the moment. That’s not good for a Gemini. In the future, you will spend all your time and money in order to open a urinal museum. Only a few urologists, a nephrologist and Dennis Miller will visit it. You will feel crushed and depressed.

Cancer… The Moon is in low orbital stenosis mode now. That’s a terrible sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will become come obsessed over the concept of verisimilitude. It will go on for months. Your friends, family and associates avoid you.

Leo… The Sun is in dilectric regression now. That is not a good sign for a Leo. Sometime in the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word, drainage in mixed company. This will go on for years, resulting in many therapy sessions.

Virgo… Venus is on the cusp of Virgo and in hyperpletic mode now. That is not good for a Virgo. One day soon, you will be engrossed with the idea of building spittoons entirely out of Legos. Your collection will grow, while you’re popularity diminishes.

Libra… Pluto is in its third house awaiting a flea exterminator. The guy is really late and Pluto is experiencing some anxiety. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will be obsessed with the idea of either chasing tornadoes, or playing the parlor game called Twister. In either case, you will feel a lot of pain when it’s over.

Scorpio… Mars is in semi-ultronic mode now. That’s a terrible sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word underlayment in public. You will seek in the aid of a psychiatrist and/or a building contractor.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in opposition to Sagittarius and on the cusp. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. One day, you will awaken only to find that you are molting like a common canary. You will seek shelter in an aviary.

Capricorn… Saturn is in di-uregical mode now and in opposition to Capricorn. That makes for a terrible combination for a Capricorn. In the future, you will capture a wacky gecko, or take a lot of Ginkgo. It could go either way, but it will be quite messy.

Aquarius… Uranus is in quadra-lingual mode now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully. You will escape with minor injuries. Unfortunately, you will be arrested for stalking health food store employees.

Pisces… The Earth is in a hyper-orbital plane now. That’s never good for a Pisces. One day, you will become obsessed with the concept of biding your time, or biting your tongue. In either case, you will suffer.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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