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Archive for August, 2016

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 28th, 2016


 

horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello once again.

We hope you had a fruitful… or vegetable week.

My staff has been working very hard on this week’s prognostications.

However, the outlook isn’t any better than it was last week.

This week’s fortunes include: flax seed, knee joints and the ever popular, worms.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries but square with Virgo. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. Sometime in the future, your ultrasound will fall on deaf ears.

Taurus… Neptune is in hyperlink phase now and in opposition to Taurus. That is never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully.

Gemini… Mercury is square with Gemini and descending at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How To Be Pithy In A Pith Helmet”. You will only sell one copy to a Safari organizer. You will be very disappointed.

Cancer… The Moon has decided to become multiphasic in the future. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will fight with yourself over the concept of verisimilitude. The conflict will go on for months. Good luck with that.

Leo… The Sun is in its hyper-plasticity mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.

Virgo… Mars is hyper-plegic mode now. That foretells problems for all Virgos. One day in the future, a Garmin will mistakenly take you to a garment district. You will be hopelessly lost for months, like Dennis Miller.

Libra… Venus is in opposition to Libra now and square with Aquarius. That’s not a good combination for a Libra. In the future, an insane photographer will shoot you from a low angle. Watch out. He won’t be using a camera.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and descending rapidly. That combination is not good for you. In the distant future, you will awaken to find that your ankles have been stolen and replaced with knee joints. It will take many months and lots of physical therapy to get used to your new configuration.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in divergent mode now against Libra and Sagittarius. That requires extra caution on your part. In the future, you will wrestle with a problem…you will lose in three falls.

Capricorn… The Earth is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the somewhat distant future, The Vice Squad will arrest you when they see you looking at something with your naked eyes. You will spend the night in jail.

Aquarius… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That always means trouble for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become a world famous worm whisperer. You will find yourself underground most of the time in wet, mucky areas.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces and misaligned with Jupiter. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. You will be whisked away to a mental institution.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug 21st, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again, dear devoted readers of this blog.

Thanks for hanging in there while we were on a long anticipated vacation.

We are now thoroughly rested.

And, totally invested… in Your HORROR – Scope.

This week’s antics include: chicken necks, gnats, and the ever popular…diarrhea.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is in semi-co-ordinal phase now. That’s usually a bad sign for an Aries. Sometime in the future, you will open a museum of caves. People will think you are batty. You won’t be happy about that.

Taurus… Uranus is in half diametric mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the future you will be obsessed with using the word “unguentine” in all your conversations. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Gemini… Mercury is in quadralinial position now. That’s a bad position for a Gemini. The future, you’ll describe everything and everyone you like using the phrase, “That’s real shed” or “He/he’s real shed”. We’re sure you get the point. You will end up in a psychiatric clinic for observation.

Cancer… The Moon is in its waning gibbous phase but wants to be waxing. That portends problems for you. In the future you will spend all your money to open a museum of guttural sounds. Only a few linguists will visit it. You will be ashamed. You will walk away mumbling.

Leo… The Sun is in di-burfication mode now. That’s not good for a Leo. In the future you will spend all your money to open a restaurant called, The Barf. Except for a few bulimics, you won’t get many customers. You will shut the place down within a month. You will lose all.

Virgo… Mars is on the cusp of Virgo, but in retrograde now. That’s a bad sign for a Virgo. In order to compete with the chicken wings craze in food, you will do something entirely different. You will open a chicken neck restaurant. It will fail when The Society Against Chicken Neck Consumption (SACNC) sues you and wins in court.

Libra… Venus is in cross-sublimation mode now. That’s not good for a Libra. One day in the future, you will start a fund raising campaign to clean up the oceans. Your funding will stop when contributors realize you’re going to do it…1 gallon at a time.

Scorpio… Jupiter is on the cusp of Scorpio but misaligned with Mars. That always results in problems for a Scorpio. People will think you are crazy when you begin to write notes to yourself… on your forehead.

Sagittarius… In the distant future, you will find yourself asking people for just an hour of their time…thinking you will live longer. You will be labeled as a fool by everyone. You will not be happy.

Capricorn… Pluto has a plan to import billions of tons of space dust in order to increase its size, thereby becoming a regular planet again. It will fail. So will you. In the future, you will spend lots of time and money researching and writing a book called, “The Diarrhea Diaries”. Your friends and relatives will tell you that you are just throwing your money down the toilet. You will ignore them until you realize you aren’t selling any books. Depression will set in.

Aquarius… Saturn is rising at an alarming rate and is getting lightheaded. That’s not good for an Aquarius. In the future, you will finally achieve your dream of becoming a corn stalk waxer. Have fun with that.

Pisces… Neptune is square with Pisces now but on the cusp of Aquarius. That is not a good combination for a Pisces. One day in the future, you will start a foundation and beg for money to “Save the Gnats.” Unfortunately you will fail in your attempt. You will become depressed and lonely, like Dennis Miller.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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