On Earth there are torrential rains.
Our moon is full,
Sometimes it’s not,
There is no doubt, the sun is hot.
Some orbs are trine,
Others are square,
While they revolve and fly up there.
But do not fear,
The Celestial Sphere,
It gives direction in which to steer.
It is our guide,
So stay awake,
It gives advice for you to take.
Aries… Pluto is in perigee now. This week you should be aware of hand sanitizer, a skin moisturizer, and an analyzer.
Taurus… The Earth is in its eighth house now. Whoa. Slow down. Think about that career change. It will take years to become a competent, well paid, wolverine waxer.
Gemini… Mars is entering a cusp with our Moon. Soon you will discover a copy cat near the Xerox machine.
Cancer… Venus is trine with Mercury. You will awaken to find yourself in a restaurant with a gluttonous polyglot.
Leo… Uranus is in its fourth house at the moment. You will have the uncontrollable urge to say the word “pungent” often in public this week.
Virgo… Mercury is waning at the moment. You will awaken to find that you are co-habiting with a groundhog.
Libra… Sun eruptions could send particles to the Earth. You are correct. Insulation will keep you cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter, but we caution against putting fiberglass in your underwear.
Scorpio… Saturn is calm and content at the moment. This week you will have an aversion to all incursions.
Sagittarius… Venus is trine with Mercury. You will find much happiness as an aardvark advocate. Or, a Dennis Miller fan.
Capricorn… Mars is in retrograde now. This week you will suddenly stumble, furiously fumble, and minimally mumble.
Aquarius… The Moon is at the Waxing Gibbous phase now. You will soon have your say in a séance.
Pisces… Neptune is rising now. You will develop an ability to talk to the dead. But, they won’t answer you.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.