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Your HORROR – scope for the week of June 23rd, 2013


Venus waxes

Uranus wanes,

On Earth there are torrential rains.

 

Our moon is full,

Sometimes it’s not,

There is no doubt, the sun is hot.

 

Some orbs are trine,

Others are square,

While they revolve and fly up there.

 

But do not fear,

The Celestial Sphere,

It gives direction in which to steer.

 

It is our guide,

So stay awake,

It gives advice for you to take.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in perigee now. This week you should be aware of hand sanitizer, a skin moisturizer, and an analyzer.

Taurus… The Earth is in its eighth house now. Whoa. Slow down. Think about that career change. It will take years to become a competent, well paid, wolverine waxer.

Gemini…  Mars is entering a cusp with our Moon. Soon you will discover a copy cat near the Xerox machine.

Cancer… Venus is trine with Mercury. You will awaken to find yourself in a restaurant with a gluttonous polyglot.

Leo… Uranus is in its fourth house at the moment. You will have the uncontrollable urge to say the word “pungent” often in public this week.

Virgo… Mercury is waning at the moment. You will awaken to find that you are co-habiting with a groundhog.

Libra… Sun eruptions could send particles to the Earth. You are correct. Insulation will keep you cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter, but we caution against putting fiberglass in your underwear.

Scorpio… Saturn is calm and content at the moment. This week you will have an aversion to all incursions.

Sagittarius… Venus is trine with Mercury. You will find much happiness as an aardvark advocate. Or, a Dennis Miller fan.

Capricorn… Mars is in retrograde now. This week you will suddenly stumble, furiously fumble, and minimally mumble.

Aquarius… The Moon is at the Waxing Gibbous phase now. You will soon have your say in a séance.

Pisces… Neptune is rising now. You will develop an ability to talk to the dead. But, they won’t answer you.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Advice, Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Aug 12th, 2012


Aries… Mars is firm about this: Stay away from German cuisine this week. You will sneeze every time you hear someone say Braunschweiger, or Dennis Miller.

Taurus…The sun is in juxtaposition with itself. You will be safe this week. Your enemies will be giving enemas to each other.

Gemini…The stars have a warning for you. Your idea for a town constructed entirely of bras will fail. The city will eventually go bust.

Cancer… Mercury is flirting with a new comet. Living in the present is good, if the present itself is expensive. Think about it.

Leo… Neptune is out of tune this week. Live each day as though it has just twenty four hours.

Virgo… Pluto has suddenly gone wild, and it isn’t even Spring Break. Stop being negative about your photos. So what if you are over exposed.

Libra… The moon is in a blue mood now. You will foxtrot in a farce with a ferret.

Scorpio…Earth is in trine and on the cusp with Pluto. Your life will be as simple as an Escher drawing.

Sagittarius… Venus is on the wagon this week after a bad hangover. You will have the urge to talk dirty to a mud pie.

Capricorn… Uranus is suffering from hemorrhoids at the moment. Expect the unexpected this week. Who knows, it just might happen.

Aquarius…Mars is in its second house fixing a plumbing problem. You will do a jig with a gerbil in your pajamas.

Pisces… Saturn is square all around. Don’t play chicken with a freight train. You may get your feathers ruffled.

 And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 29th, 2012


Aries… The moon is trine with the river Rhine. You will have the urge to use the word aardvark in every sentence you speak this week.

Taurus… The sun has crossed the elliptic of Uranus. You’d better increase that SPF rating to at least 95, or stand in Dennis Miller’s shadow.

Gemini… Neptune is trine with Earth this week. Be on the alert. Your enemies want to stuff you into an olive.

Cancer… Mars is square with Pluto now. Go already. Meet his parents. They say the undead can be a lot of fun once you get to know them.

Leo… Saturn is on the cusp of Venus. Your idea for ear wax sculpture will not receive a favorable hearing.

Virgo… Earth’s moon is waxing at an auto detailing shop.  Do not fear. We’re not egg-xaggerating when we say sleeping with free range chickens maybe relaxing.

Libra… Venus is trine with Mercury now. If life gets your down, follow the bats and hang in there.

Scorpio… Mercury is aligned with Mars.  If you really desire a private life, join the Army.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable this week. You will have the uncontrollable urge to shout, “Jowls” before and after meals.

Capricorn… Pluto is in opposition to its cusp with Venus. Your plan for a computer date will go wrong when you’re hooked up with a Commodore VIC-20.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in conjunction at this moment. Stop all tweeting. You’re confusing the neighborhood birds.

Pisces… The planets say you are wise, gentle and, musical. But your IQ is slightly under that of a rubber ducky.

 

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, horoscopes, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Lifestyles, Observations, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 8th, 2012


Aries…Mars is square with Venus.  Avoid all oral arguments. Stay away from your dentist this week.

Taurus… Neptune is passing it’s high point. Your obsessive fear of the dark will be cured after you bathe in fresh bat guano.

Gemini… Venus is in a bad mood this week. Your dreams are utterly premature. Remember, you must first get accepted to Clown College.

Cancer… Pluto is in trine with Mercury. Don’t play The Match Game tonight. You may get burned.

Leo… Earth is on the cusp with Uranus. Your chiropractor is wrong. You don’t have a weak spine. You have a missing spine.

Virgo… Neptune is in its ninth house again, checking on the renters. You will have the urge to watch paint dry this week.

Libra… Mars is on the cusp with Uranus. Soon you will be on Broadway. Unfortunately it will be as a victim in a head on collision.

Scorpio… Saturn is now square with Mercury. You will be baffled and boxed in by a brutish delivery truck driver.

Sagittarius… Mars and Mercury are quibbling over which one Venus likes the best. You are energetic, punctual, and your car will be  repossessed.

Capricorn… The moon is in sync with Pluto this week. Stay away from Scorpios. They just want to hit you up for some quick cash.

Aquarius… Your ruling planet, Uranus wants to raise taxes again. Take that possum out of our pants. PETA is on the way.

Pisces…Mars is reaching its apex now. Cheer up. Think of it as an adventure. In a few years you may get time off for good behavior.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, Humor, Laughs, Lifestyles

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Your “Horror”- scope for the week of June 24th, 2012


Love is in the air this week as the planets do some dirty orbiting with each other  in space.

Aries… Your moon has reached its zenith. You will co–star in a movie with a gerbil and fall madly in love with it.

Taurus… Mars forgot Uranus’ birthday again this year. It could get nasty. Your partner will be happy when you dress up as a ferret for your upcoming anniversary.

Gemini…  Mercury is angry with Venus over who misplaced the high SPF sun blocker. Pack your bags. You will elope with an Armenian hairdresser.

Cancer… Earth is in opposition with the second moon of Neptune. Your desire to win over a wombat at the local zoo will meet with success.

Leo… The Earth’s moon, Luna is ecliptic at the moment. It’s time for a new relationship, but first take the tuna fish out of your pockets.

Virgo… The sun is on the cusp of Phobos, a moon of Mars. You will be so fascinated with a car wash attendant, you’ll want to know every detail of his life.

Libra… Jupiter is aligned with the Earth this week. You will discover the rewards of divorce when you date a dromedary.

Scorpio… Uranus will be attending an AA meeting this week. You will be bored by a boar in your bedroom. Bring plenty of DVDs and popcorn.

Sagittarius… Jupiter’s great red spot will be mistaken for a wart. You will fall in love with a Polish conscientious objector and move to Krakow.

Capricorn… Aries and Taurus are crossed at the moment. You will date a radical racoon.

Aquarius… Neptune is nearing its tenth house. Your date with a mad masseuse will leave you feeling tired and greasy.

Pisces…Pluto is equilateral with Neptune’s moon Despina. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour. You will seek the advice of Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Planets, Predictions

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 10th, 2012


Aries… Mercury is in trine with Venus. Your arches will sue you for non support.

Taurus… You will laugh uncontrollably when someone whispers the word “uggums” in your ear.

Gemini…  Mercury, Venus, and Neptune form a perfect triangle. You will lose millions on your idea for feeding chickens food coloring just before Easter so they’d lay colored eggs.

Cancer… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars. You will awaken to find yourself in a Rock quarry with Steven Tyler.

Leo… Neptune is rising near its cusp with Mercury. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.

Virgo… The celestial sphere is angry with you over that twenty dollars you borrowed? Quick! Get to the nearest ATM.

Libra… Your moon is in conjunction with Earth. You will be attracted to someone’s large, hairy underarms which are home for a tribe of garden gnomes.

Scorpio… The rings of Saturn are leaving are leaving a green stain in space. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.

Sagittarius… Mars reveals that your future is unfavorable now. Hide under you bed clutching a large wombat dressed in Dennis Miller’s underwear.

Capricorn… A full moon in Virgo indicates you will date a man in a gorilla suit. Be sure to bring lots of bananas.

Aquarius… Mars will be in conjunction with the moon soon, check for scorpions in your couch cushions.

Pisces…Neptune is ascending, be sure to soak your head in the salad dressing of your choice.

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Planets, Predictions, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 3rd, 2012


Aries… Pluto and Mars are feuding again. You will find a note in your cereal. Follow it to the letter. Bring three forms of identification with you.

Taurus… Venus wants to leave the Zodiac and form her own circle. Wow, what luck! You will soon discover that you are related to a wealthy mollusk.

Gemini…  Mercury is on vacation right now. He’s visiting Pluto at his summer place on Fire Island. Stay alert. You will awaken to find yourself swimming in a vat of hollandaise sauce.

Cancer… Saturn is up to no good. You will soon meet a rapper who will teach you how to rhyme in Rumanian.

Leo… The lion, which dominates your sign, ate a large bird. His in a foul mood. It’s an indication you should give your BFF another chance. Even goats need a little loving now and then.

Virgo… Pices the Fish is in your house. Smell it? There’s a good chance you will fall in love with a mullet.

Libra… Saturn is excited over a smile from Mars. Too bad for you. You’ll miss a week of work after you slip and fall on someone’s oily T-zone.

Scorpio… Pluto is flirting with Uranus again. Feel free to dunk your head in a bowl of cake batter this week.

Sagittarius… Mars is mutable and in trine with Neptune. You will be kidnapped by a gang of angry gerbils.

Capricorn… Saturn is in line with Mercury this week. This is a rare event. You will have the unstoppable urge to shout the word “thighs” in public.

Aquarius… Neptune and Jupiter are arguing over which one should pick up the check at dinner. You will find yourself the center of attention when you arrive at work dressed as a newt.

Pisces…Venus is in a stinky mood. She’s prepping for a colonoscopy. That is a bad sign. You will be locked in a closet by a garden gnome. All the air will be removed with a straw.

Remember what Weird Al says about Astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Lifestyles, Observations, Predictions, Relationships, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 27th, 2012


Aries… Mars was in transit with the moon, but was thrown off the bus for being rowdy. You will be locked in a dungeon with an insurance salesman for an entire weekend.

Taurus…Venus is aligned with the opposition over Congressional Redistricting. A pot bellied pig will leave cracker crumbs in your bed.

Gemini…  The Twins in your sign are feuding again over who was born first. Your plans for converting New Schwanstein Castle into a theme park ride will fail.

Cancer… The crab is misaligned with Jupiter’s moon. Your enemies are on to you. To throw them off track, you must bathe in a vat of sangria with Dennis Miller.

Leo… Aquarius is leaving its fourth house and will miss its neighbors. Stop seeing that hypnotist. The ostrich eggs you’ve been sitting on will never hatch.

Virgo… The sun is trine with Neptune. You will be thrown out of a movie theater for petting a wedge of provolone cheese.

Libra…Saturn is in legal trouble with Mercury over a missing ring. A Steam Punker will steal your identity for immoral purposes.

Scorpio… Mars is in line with Neptune for a showing of My Fair Lady. Be extra careful now. You are being stalked by an aardvark.

Sagittarius…Your ruling planet, Jupiter is in its ninth house. To be safe this week, you must use the word “jowls” in every sentence spoken.

Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition to Cancer over a game of hopscotch. You will find yourself absentmindedly fondling Crenshaw melons at a local super market.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in sync. Have dinner in your underwear with a gerbil.

Pisces…Neptune now rules the seventh house with an iron fist. You must buy someone’s appendix as soon as possible.

 

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Lifestyles, Planets, Predictions, Recommendations, Steam punk, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 20th, 2012


Aries… Your ruling planet, Mars is facing an uprising from the serfs. You will find yourself very uncomfortable after your laundry comes back with too much starch.

Taurus… Venus thinks Scorpio cheated in a game of Go fish. You will soon wake up with a feeling of dread when you discover you’ve become a pound of camembert cheese.

Gemini… A Mutable Mercury is quite clear now. You have permission to frolic in creamed corn with Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Your Zodiac sign has been defaced with graffiti. Rubbing butter on your aardvark will help you both to cope with life’s problems.

Leo… Aquarius is co-tangent to your ruling sun. Consult with a mathematician on this one. It forecasts stochastics in your life.

Scorpio… Taurus is in conjunction with Mars. Take that dead herring out of your glove compartment.

Virgo… There is a negative polarity with Pices now. Once again it’s time to spread strawberry preserves on your jowls.

Libra… Aries is in the seventh house for a Tupperware party. You will be arrested for illegal possession of an anchovy.

Sagittarius…Jupiter is opposite Neptune on your chart. A Congressman will accuse your spleen of treason.

Capricorn… Saturn and Venus are at odds again. You better polish your forehead with Turtle Wax to avoid the fallout.

Aquarius…Uranus and Saturn are both in the seventh house.  You will soon find yourself locked in a Sponge Bob lunchbox.

Pisces… Neptune and Jupiter are plotting against you. Quick! Attend a costume party dressed as an eel.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would haveto be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Yummy!


Here’s something I wrote a few years back. It was an entry for Video Maker Magazine’s, Short Video Contest. It won second prize. Its had quite a few views on YouTube over the years. It’s a spoof of late night TV commercials. Hope you like it.

CAVEAT…It’s not for the faint of heart. Animal lovers may not like it, but it’s part of the circle of life.

I hope this works. I haven’t tried to insert a video link before.

It’s called, “The Roadkill Grill”.

Thanks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMkXxmAfQaE

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