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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sep. 28th, 2014


astrology

Here we are once again with a new variety of predictions for your dining, dancing, and listening pleasure.

The Celestial Sphere has portioned out just enough horror to make your lives slightly unbearable, but perhaps a little laughable.

Sorry, but we just bring you the facts, straight from the freshest charts available, right to your table for your weekly consumption.

As they say, (whoever they are), “All is fair in love and astrology”.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in its seventh house getting rid of a flea problem. In the future, you will be fined by the Library of Congress, or an actual congressman, for an overdue book.

Taurus… Uranus is on the cusp of Taurus now, but wants to be in opposition. In the distant future, you will either flagellate or fluctuate. Either way you are in for a rough ride.

Gemini… Saturn is in its seventh house replacing some windowpanes after a meteor shower. In the future, you will seal the deal when you sell seven seals to someone named Lucille.

Cancer… The Moon is in Cancer now and feels a bit uncomfortable about it. In the not too distant future, you will fall in love with either a carrier pigeon, or some carrion. Either way it will be a smelly situation.

Leo… The Sun is in its fifth house polishing the silver. Sometime in the future, you will finally get your ducks in line, and then someone will cut in front of them ruining the moment.

Virgo… Mercury is in its seventh house talking to an interior decorator. Not too long from now, you will find true happiness renting out jowls for a living.

Libra… Saturn is in Libra now and is anxious to leave for some unknown reason. Watch out for those pesky blue lights. Sometime in the future, you will purchase one of those personalized license plates. You will mistakenly order it with the letters, “IMDRUNK” on it.

Scorpio… Neptune is descending into its third house now. It doesn’t know that it forgot the house key. Get ready for some elbow pain. In the future, you will have the urge to salute all trees, and shrubs.

Sagittarius… Venus is trine with Sagittarius at this time. In the future, you will become famous for your ability to make Cumquats squat.

Capricorn… The Earth is square with Capricorn at this time and approaching trine. In the future, you will have the urge to fertilize your ear buds, or Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now and loves it. In the future, you will have the urge to enroll your old stretch pants in a yoga class.

Pisces… Mars is aligned with Jupiter at this time. In the not too distant future, you will make your bulky, knit sweater go on a diet.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Astrology, Horror-scopes, Uncategorized

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug. 17th, 2014


astrology

 

Here we are once again dear friends.

We at HORROR-Scope Central have been working diligently on your predictions for the coming week.

They range from snakes to sizzle.

We hope they won’t HORRIFY you too much.

Then again, it’s all in the stars.

As you know, we have no control over that.

Enjoy…

 

Aries… Uranus is descending now at a great rate of speed. That’s actually good for you. In theory, this prediction is purely musical theory. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Tintinnabulation For Fun And Profit”.

Taurus… Mercury is on the run to avoid apprehension for undetermined space crimes. The Big Band Theory?  In the not too distant future, you will be asked to bring some dynamite to the opening of a new blast furnace.

Gemini… Saturn is busy polishing its rings again. Get ready for some excitement in your life. In the future, you will soon meet an old geezer, or see an old geyser. Either way you’re going to get wet.

Cancer… Neptune is getting ready for a card party in its seventh house. Let’s get ready to rumble. In the future, you will become a dare devil. But, if you’re not very, very careful, you will become a dare angel.

Leo… Pluto is in court right now over a law suit. Woof, woof. You soon will awaken to find that you are the target of Dog, The Bounty Hunter for abusing fleas.

Virgo… The Earth is on the cusp of Virgo and loving it. Size does matter. You will soon begin work at a shoe store. Big Foot will come in and start destroying the place because they don’t carry his size.

Libra… The Moon is square with Libra at this time, but wishes it were trine. This could be venomous. Not long from now, you will awaken to find yourself wearing snake boots made of live cobras.

Scorpio… Mars is in retrograde now and is falling behind in its orbit. Get ready for a law suit from SPCA. In the not too distant future, you will slip on a banana peel and fall on a monkey.

Sagittarius… Jupiter has just been fined for some zoning violation by the Space Police. Ready for a big move? In the not too distant future, you will become a cave dweller or a cove dweller. It isn’t clear at this time.

Capricorn… The Sun is in its fifth house warming things up. This is a real fixer upper prediction. You will plagued with the obsession to resurface everything around you, including your family, friends, co-workers, and Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Uranus is on the cusp of Aquarius now. This is a real, and rare “meat” prediction. In the near future, you will dally daily in a deli with a derelict. Let us know how that works out for you.

Pisces… Mercury is trine with Pisces at this time. Trine is good for you. Get some new pots and pans. In the future, you will serve a bloody bladder on a platter and it won’t matter to your hungry guests.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Astrology, Horror-scopes, Uncategorized

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug. 3rd, 2014


astrology

It’s August already.

Can you believe it?

It’s all downhill for the year I fear.

And, it could be downhill for some of you as well.

Good luck with this week’s prognostications.

Aries… The Earth is in its fifth house having new windows installed. Let’s hope you like Haiti. In the future, you will experience hard labor in Labadie with Dennis Miller, and hate it. Not the work, Dennis Miller.

Taurus… Mercury is descending at a high rate of speed and it’s getting dangerous. Soon, you will meet someone named Hal and have a Hal of a time with him, and someone from Halliburton.

Gemini… Venus is at perigee now and doesn’t know why. Get out the money bags. In the future, you will become rich and famous as a World Champion Worm Wrestler, only to be defeated by a slug.

Cancer… Mars is trine with Cancer at the moment. some day soon, you will high fly a kite or get into a fight while high. It isn’t clear at this time. Good luck anyway.

Leo… The sun is square with Leo now. Heads up people. One day, you will become highly infatuated with a bobblehead and propose marriage to it, making your friends and family envious. But, it will end in disaster when you accidentally step on it while the head is getting a beer from the fridge.

Virgo… Saturn is rising with a headache at this time after a bad night of poker and beer. It’s time for love again. In the future, you will become infatuated with a fathead to the dismay of your friends and family. But it won’t last. The fathead will eat itself to death.

Libra… Pluto is in its second house cleaning up after itself. It had a stomach illness. Get ready for love and a little action. In the not too distant future, you will meet an sketch artist who will temp you with an action figure.

Scorpio… Neptune is at the auto shop having its oil changed. One day, you will become rich and famous (especially in Colorado and 22 other states) for creating a bumper sticker with the words, “There’s nothing wrong with having a bong”.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time and is upset about it. This could be good or bad. In the future, you will eat a powdered sugar covered donut hole or fall into a hole and scream the whole way down. It could go either way. Good luck.

Capricorn… The Sun is trine with Capricorn now. Sorry for the sad news. In the future, your enemies will steal your wart collection and hold it for a hefty ransom which you will gladly pay only to find out later that they had sold the warts on eBay.

Aquarius… Mars is on the cusp of Aquarius now and loving it. Soon you will be involved with a metal smelter or seek immediate shelter. It isn’t clear at the moment, so be prepared.

Pisces… Jupiter is in apogee now and is upset about it. In the future, your Fairy Godmother will create a new energy efficient vehicle for you. Unfortunately it will be a coach made of a pumpkin pulled by some mice that will alert their friends. They (along with some hungry rats) will devour the vehicle while you’re having a lunch of Ratatouille.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Category:

Astrology, Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 13th, 2014


astrology

Hello again friends of the unknown, the known, and the semi-known not be confused with the semi-unknown. You know what we mean.

We have been working on this week’s charts feverishly.

In fact, we were so hot, we had to take cold showers.

We have been busy measuring time and space with our exclusive time and space gauges made of space age materials.

We give you our best interpretations, which by the way, are “dead on”, for your living pleasure (if pleasure is even possible) in the coming weeks and months.

In any case, come what may, enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in opposition to Aries at this time. Can you feel it? Brace yourself. In the future, you will embrace a brace with dignity and grace.

Taurus… Mercury is in its fifth house having some new kitchen appliances installed. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to send you to a cannery for pickling.

Gemini… Venus is square with Gemini now but wants to be elliptical. We certainly pity you. You poor dear. In the near future, you will fear the blogosphere. It could hurt your career. So watch which way you steer.

Cancer… Saturn is in its seventh house getting ready for a poker night with some asteroids. Stay away from shelled peanuts. You will have a recurring nightmare where you will be trampled by The Elephant Man, or a grossly overweight Dennis Miller. It isn’t clear at this time.

Leo… Mars is descending at this moment. It will hit bottom soon. In the future, you will get tired quickly after this endeavor. You will tell your inner most secrets to an inner tube near an intersection.

Virgo… Pluto is going to the vet this week. In the near future, you will find a throbbing heart in a shopping cart in the heart of a city.

Libra… Neptune is in its third house having the swimming pool resurfaced. In the distant future, you will find a darling dolly on an abandoned trolley not too far from a trollop holding a tulip.

Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio now but wants to be square. Someone wants to have some words with you. Not long from now, you will have the compulsion to insure your entire vocabulary with Lloyds of London.

Sagittarius… The Moon is on the cusp of Sagittarius this week. Watch your step. You will win a free trip to Hawaii, but your vacation will be ruined when you are viciously attacked by a gang of roving pineapples.

Capricorn… The Sun is in its seventh house interviewing a new cleaning lady. You won’t get very far with this. In the future, you will try to surf on sound waves, but you will fall when you trip over a decibel.

Aquarius… Jupiter is rising now and on the cusp of Aquarius. This one’s for the birds. You will soon find a safe haven with a raven near New Haven.

Pisces… Pluto is square with Pisces now. You will soon say bye bye to a bystander using binoculars to gaze upon binary numbers.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Category:

Astrology, Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 1st, 2014


astrology

Welcome again to another week of astrological logic.

The Celestial Sphere is abound with predictions for all.

What a gift, and it’s free.

The charts have been read and are ready for you.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Moon is in opposition to Aries at this time. Eat hearty while you can. Your enemies are plotting to secretly remove your gums and sell them on the black market.

Taurus…The Sun is beating down and enjoying every moment of it. Go figure. You will be obsessed with becoming an artist by constructing a draw bridge.

Gemini… Saturn is rising to a new week. The possibilities are numerous. You will soon get a real deal on a wagon wheel, an electric eel, and/or a fishing creel.

Cancer… Venus is trembling at the moment. We don’t know why. Get out the pots, pans and a red, rubber nose. In the future, you will gain fame and fortune with a new book called, “Okra and Kale Cookery For Clowns”.

Leo… Mars is rumbling now and trine with Leo. Get ready for some excitement. You will soon be involved in something oral, something floral and/or something pectoral. It isn’t clear at this time.

Virgo… Uranus is descending and is square with Virgo at this time. Get ready for a lot of money. In the future, you will gain fame and fortune when you write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Carbuncles”.

Libra… Mercury is in its fifth house planning a big celestial pool party. Take what life gives you. You will soon meet a Phi Beta Kappa, a soul rapper, or Dweezil Zappa. It isn’t clear at this time.

Scorpio… Neptune is trine with Scorpio but wants to be square. Get out your autograph book and don’t drink the water.. In the future, you will be accused of chicanery with Sean Connery in the Congo.

Sagittarius… Venus is on the cusp of Sagittarius, but will soon be in opposition. You must be very clever. Sometime soon, you will become world famous for your manipulations of people and things. But your efforts will backfire on you.

Capricorn… Jupiter is square with Capricorn and on the cusp. You may just get caught up in this activity. You will soon grapple with grappling hooks and thieving crooks.

Aquarius… Uranus is square with Aquarius at this time. This sounds like fun. In the future, your ear lobes will thrill the globe.

Pisces… Pluto is in opposition to Pisces now. Keep your eyes open. Someday soon, a guard dog will guard you in a garden then leave at a critical moment. Perhaps when Dennis Miller arrives.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Category:

Astrology, Horror-scopes, Humor

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 18th, 2014


horoscope chart

A celestial welcome to all of you.

Here are this week’s best predictions.

It has been a difficult week.

Several of our crack staff (four capuchin monkeys) are out with the swine flu.

The aardvark and one monkey named Merlin were left to interpret the charts.

Well, that’s life in the big world of Horror-scoping.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is square with Aries now. You won’t need a bow tie for this. Your enemies are planning to squeeze you into a quiver.

Taurus… Neptune is tuning up for a celestial concert. Soon you will encounter an old valise, the local police and possibly Cyd Charisse. It isn’t clear at this time.

Gemini… Mercury is in its fifth house meeting with a realtor. Get out your autograph book. In the future, you will meet Mini Driver while driving a Mini.

Cancer… The Earth is trine with Cancer at the moment. Soon you will encounter something scary, something very hairy, and then you will become quite weary.

Leo… Saturn is descending and in opposition to Leo at this time. Play it cool. In the future, you will be called Hot Pockets.

Virgo… The Moon is in its second house waiting for a pest control technician. In the future, you will visit Sarasota, become addicted to serotonin, and crave Sara Lee pastries.

Libra… Venus is square with Libra now. You will awaken to find that your vagus nerve has gone to Las Vegas to gamble and lose all your savings.

Scorpio… Neptune is rising at the moment. Be prepared. In the future you may become insane, or just incontinent. It could go either way.

Sagittarius… The sun is rising somewhere at this moment. You will develop spider veins, then suddenly you will become an arachnophobic.

Capricorn… Mercury is descending at this time. In the distant future, the site of a scythe will make you sigh.

Aquarius… Pluto is busy digging up old bones. In the future, you will be proven innocent, but you will then become incoherent, like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with Venus at the moment. In the future, you will eat pork, or a pork pie hat. It could go either way.

Pisces… Venus is in opposition to Pisces now. In the future, the simple pleasures of life will become complex and difficult, but your pet aardvark will not notice any of your problems.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Category:

Astrology, Horror-scopes, Humor

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Jan 19th, 2014


horoscope chart

Welcome once again to Your Horror-scope.

Thank you for joining us.

We hope it isn’t too cold where you live. If so we hope you are coping.

Speaking of coping, this week’s prognostications may just require some coping on your part.

Have a happy week, if that’s possible.

Here we go…

Aries… Mercury is descending now. Soon you will be given a license to drive people crazy. But, you will then be ticketed for careless driving.

Taurus… The Earth is in perigee at the moment. You will try to impress a witch buy buying her a spell checker program for her computer. However, the program will contain a virus, and the witch will turn you into a toad.

Gemini… The Sun is at a low in solar flare activity. Soon you will encounter something sonic, or something platonic, or something iconic. It may even be ironic.

Cancer… Venus is on the cusp of Cancer at the moment. You will soon slouch on a couch alongside a grumpy grouch shouting, “Ouch”. Good luck with that.

Leo… Mars is in retrograde at this time. In the future, you will desperately hope to find a rope on a slope. We hope you succeed.

Virgo… Saturn is descending now. You will soon encounter something rustic, or acoustic, or antiseptic. It is not clear at this time.

Libra… Uranus is rising now. Get ready to be saluted. Your enemies are planning to run you up a flagpole.

Scorpio… Pluto is in retrograde at this time. You will suffer much guilt over something that wilts. That could make you Flower Power deficient.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius at this moment. One day in the near future you will have a rough fight with a tough stain while in a huff on a bluff.

Aquarius… Venus is in retrograde now. One day in the pouring rain, your brain will suffer from a great strain with nothing to gain but much pain, and a chance to become insane.

Capricorn… Neptune is in its seventh house having coffee with a neighbor. You will soon meet a squatter’s daughter chasing an otter in fast, rushing water.

Pisces… Mars is in retrograde at this time. While near a well, you will promise not to tell when you’re under someone’s spell, nor dwell on it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

Astrology, Horror-scopes, Humor, Uncategorized

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Aug 26th, 2012


Aries… Mars is in its neighbor’s house. A potter is about to pop the question, “Do you want to buy this pot or what?”

Taurus…The moon is blue at this time. Just because it’s a pool table doesn’t mean you should place in a pool.

Gemini…Saturn is trine with Jupiter. Every time you see a policeman you will shout, “May the force be with you!”

Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp with Pluto. Your date with a horticulturist will turn bad when you get planted.

Leo… Mercury will be stationary this week. Bring a lot of change for the parking meter.

Virgo… Venus is out of phase now. You will find yourself discussing politics with a mannequin while sitting in a vat of hominy grits.

Libra… The Earth is a favorable place now. You will find true peace and harmony while bathing in a tub of granola with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… The charts indicate good fortune for you. There is a pork pie hat in your future.

Sagittarius… Uranus and Saturn are fixed, and they don’t like it. You will soon be asked to appear on the new TV show, “Whisker Wars”.

Capricorn…The moon sextiles Saturn at this time. Liver and onions will be an obstacle to your romantic evening this week.

Aquarius… Venus is transiting Mars. Failure is not an option, but life will make an exception in your case.

Pisces…Uranus is in a new cycle now. Getting a tattoo is questionable, especially putting the word “Guacamole” on your forehead.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Astrology, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Aug 12th, 2012


Aries… Mars is firm about this: Stay away from German cuisine this week. You will sneeze every time you hear someone say Braunschweiger, or Dennis Miller.

Taurus…The sun is in juxtaposition with itself. You will be safe this week. Your enemies will be giving enemas to each other.

Gemini…The stars have a warning for you. Your idea for a town constructed entirely of bras will fail. The city will eventually go bust.

Cancer… Mercury is flirting with a new comet. Living in the present is good, if the present itself is expensive. Think about it.

Leo… Neptune is out of tune this week. Live each day as though it has just twenty four hours.

Virgo… Pluto has suddenly gone wild, and it isn’t even Spring Break. Stop being negative about your photos. So what if you are over exposed.

Libra… The moon is in a blue mood now. You will foxtrot in a farce with a ferret.

Scorpio…Earth is in trine and on the cusp with Pluto. Your life will be as simple as an Escher drawing.

Sagittarius… Venus is on the wagon this week after a bad hangover. You will have the urge to talk dirty to a mud pie.

Capricorn… Uranus is suffering from hemorrhoids at the moment. Expect the unexpected this week. Who knows, it just might happen.

Aquarius…Mars is in its second house fixing a plumbing problem. You will do a jig with a gerbil in your pajamas.

Pisces… Saturn is square all around. Don’t play chicken with a freight train. You may get your feathers ruffled.

 And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of August 5th, 2012


The planets are aligned for the Olympic games. They show promise for some, and the agony of defeat for others.

Read on…

Aries… Mars is favorable for you now. You will win the gold in the volleyball swallowing event.

Taurus… Pluto is trine with Uranus. A bronze medal will be yours when you speed date with Polish wrestlers.

Gemini… The Earth is in its tenth house now. You will win the gold medal in the synchronized sneezing event.

Cancer… Venus is in its ninth house and trine with Pluto. You will not win a medal in the skunk sniffing event.

Leo… Saturn is on the cusp with Mars. You will be beaten out of a bronze medal in the grave digging event by a zombie from Zaire.

Virgo… Mercury is in high orbit now. You will win a gold medal in the individual sneaker tying event.

Libra… Uranus is square with the sun. You will win the Silver medal for mingling at a Dennis Miller event.

Scorpio… Earth is in opposition with Uranus. You will miss the bronze by a thousandth of a second in the rubber ducky bobbing event.

Sagittarius… Venus is in sync with Saturn. You will come in fourth in the cross country running event when you are beaten by a Chia pet.

Capricorn… Neptune is now trine with Mars and Venus. You will win the silver medal in the kayak kissing event.

Aquarius… Pluto is on the cusp with Uranus. You will win the gold for groveling.

Pisces…The moon likes you now. You will proudly wear a silver medal for your sterling performance in the medal polishing event.

 

Category:

Astrology, Awards, Medals, Olympics, Predictions, Sports

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