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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 13th, 2012


Aries… Venus is upset with Mars because he hasn’t called her after their first date. Don’t make any long range plans until they make up. Stayed tuned.

Taurus… Uranus is in trine with your rubber ducky. That indicates luck. For instance, you won’t be home when that semi plows into your residence.

Gemini… Mercury is rising fast. Just hope it doesn’t get light headed. Your astrology chart indicates, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

Cancer… Your moon is in its fourth house. It’s hiding from bill collectors. Your BFF will appreciate the gift card you gave her until she discovers it’s expired.

Leo… Aquarius is blocking the sun indicating a current medical condition. Don’t panic! We checked with the Ouija board. They’re just saddle sores.

Virgo… Mercury is now mutable. How nice. You will be stalked by a Smartphone app.

Libra… Keep plenty of cash on hand. Your moon in Virgo says a man dressed in a coyote costume will ask you to break a twenty at the start of your shift.

Scorpio… Mars is traversing Jupiter’s front yard and he’s not happy about it. Under no circumstances should you go fishing with jail bait.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable now. Venus’ house is in foreclosure. Stay away from Blue-Footed Boobies.

Capricorn… Your symbol is the goat. Your moon is in the tenth house doing minor renovations in the kitchen. If you really want to make tomorrow’s headlines, go ahead and marry that hamster you’ve been dating.

Aquarius… Your ruling planets, Uranus and Saturn are practical jokesters. You will embarrass yourself this week when you fall face down onto a porcupine.

Pisces…Neptune and Jupiter are mutable now. Your urge to frolic at the beach will end in disaster when you slip on an oily fat man sunbathing. BTW, don’t ask for his autograph.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Apps, Astrology, counseling, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, Phones, Planets, Predictions, problelms, Recommendations, Relationships, Signs, surprise, Suspense, The future

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Your Horror-scope for the week of May 6th, 2012


Aries… Mars is favorable right now. Exercise will be good for you, especially after your bypass surgery.

Taurus… The Moon is in trine with Jupiter. Clean those party snacks out of your sinuses.

Gemini…  This is your lucky week. Uranus is on the cusp with Venus and she likes it. You will be invited to play whist with a retired mud wrestler who cheats at cards.

Cancer… Good news for you. Pluto is petitioning to become a planet again. Stop using that face cream on your wrinkles. Your mate loves the look of a Shar-Pei.

Leo… Aries is in cancer this week. Your musical talent will improve when you get a new kazoo.

Virgo… There’s  a Moon-Mars union in Virgo. Your love triangle will be cut short with a noisy chain saw.

Libra… The asteroid Zorgo is in opposition to Mars. You’ll finally meet the love of your life… at the gorilla encounter.

Scorpio… Saturn casts a shadow on your life. You’ll feel much better after you put Post Toasties in your underwear.

Sagittarius… Neptune has just been realigned by a car mechanic. You will not be mugged this week. But, it will happen.

Capricorn… A waxing moon indicates you will be overcome by your own flatulence.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are at odds over a poker hand. It’s time to get rid of those piercings. Your dream of a circus career will never materialize.

Pisces…The Sun will be in Venus soon. Your idea for a Mother’s Day gift is practical. But does she really need a post hole digger?

BTW… Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Astrology, counseling, Developments, Family, friends, holidays, Home, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, Predictions, problelms, Recommendations, Relationships, surprise, The future

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No Bull Here!


I have anger issues.

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Anger, animals, Bulls, counseling, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Philosophy, problelms, Relationships, Tension

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Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 15th, 2012


Aries… Your million dollar plan for edible Pampers is a bad idea.

Taurus… You will be held for questioning by the Vice Squad after you touch your inner child.

Gemini…  A new job is coming your way. Soon you’ll be a scarecrow on a fish farm.

Cancer… You’ll overcome your fear of eggs, but not Canadian bacon.

Leo… Fame and riches will be yours with your fabulous quote, “The hands of fate need a manicure.”

Virgo… Eat plenty of greens to get your chloro-fill.

Libra… It’s in the stars. You will fall in love with an Armenian shepherd.

Scorpio… This week, someone will point to you and say, “You rock.” So get your sledge hammer ready.

Sagittarius… Eloping is not the answer. They’ll spot the elephant miles away.

Capricorn… You will be delivered into the hands of your enemies by a midwife.

Aquarius… Cash in on your oily T Zone. It could keep you in gasoline for a year.

Pisces…Relax. Take time to smell your armpits.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

counseling, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, police, problelms, Relationships, surprise, The future

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Your Horrorscope for the week of March 26, 2012


Aries… You will find love, but it will never pick up a check while dining with you.

Taurus…Brain Teasers will mock you unceasingly this week.

Gemini… Be sure to follow Dr. Oz’s prescriptions to the letter. It could lead you to the Ruby Slippers.

Cancer… If Venus crosses Mars, you shouldn’t walk in another person’s shoes until you first check the soles. Who knows where they’ve been.

Leo… Refer all decisions to your proctologist this week due to a New Moon in your under wear.

Virgo… Before you mix and match your outfit for tomorrow’s important business meeting, be sure to wear those shorts with the red hearts.

Libra… When the moon is in the seventh house, watch for real estate values to drop.

Scorpio… Cosmic Law says Pices should not be intimate with clams next Thursday.

Capricorn… Watch out where you sit today. The sun’s juxtaposition with Saturn indicates suppositories will definitely enter your life.

Aquarius… Don’t bother to search your soul for your destiny. It’s hiding in your closet under that pile of trash bags you haven’t thrown out.

Pisces…Your Venus is in Taurus. And you thought it just went to the drug store for some Kold-EEEZ.

Category:

counseling, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Philosophy, Predictions, problelms, Relationships, The future, Uncategorized, Work

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Your Weekly Horrorscope for Week beginning: March 18, 2012*


Aries… The world at large will soon discover you wear months of the year underwear.

Taurus… You will closely follow your Sun Sign, so be sure to wear a high numbered SPF cream.

Gemini…Run! Hide! Your local loan shark just got your new address after you posted it on Facebook.

Cancer… Stay close to the restrooms. That chocolate candy bar you stole from a co-worker’s lunch bag was laced with a potent laxative.

Leo …Heads up. Someone wants to slap you in your Facebook.

Virgo… Your desire to be chauffeured around will be fulfilled when you ride in the back of a police car.

Libra… Ready for a life changing event?  You better be. Your karma will run of gas the day you leave your wallet at home.

Scorpio… Your local entomologist is going to bug you.

Sagittarius… It’s in the stars. The patent application for your toe jam processing machine will be denied.

Capricorn… Buy lots of tissues. The moon in Pices has the flu. Its lunar nodes will be running all night.

Aquarius… Your cusp with Virgo indicates if you add insult to injury you should be ready for a hefty sales tax.

Pisces….You will have a great following in life, (mostly from felines) until you take the fish out of your pants.

*Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

counseling, friends, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Philosophy, Predictions, problelms, Relationships, surprise, The future, Uncategorized

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