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Your Horror-scope for the week of May 6th, 2012


Aries… Mars is favorable right now. Exercise will be good for you, especially after your bypass surgery.

Taurus… The Moon is in trine with Jupiter. Clean those party snacks out of your sinuses.

Gemini…  This is your lucky week. Uranus is on the cusp with Venus and she likes it. You will be invited to play whist with a retired mud wrestler who cheats at cards.

Cancer… Good news for you. Pluto is petitioning to become a planet again. Stop using that face cream on your wrinkles. Your mate loves the look of a Shar-Pei.

Leo… Aries is in cancer this week. Your musical talent will improve when you get a new kazoo.

Virgo… There’s  a Moon-Mars union in Virgo. Your love triangle will be cut short with a noisy chain saw.

Libra… The asteroid Zorgo is in opposition to Mars. You’ll finally meet the love of your life… at the gorilla encounter.

Scorpio… Saturn casts a shadow on your life. You’ll feel much better after you put Post Toasties in your underwear.

Sagittarius… Neptune has just been realigned by a car mechanic. You will not be mugged this week. But, it will happen.

Capricorn… A waxing moon indicates you will be overcome by your own flatulence.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are at odds over a poker hand. It’s time to get rid of those piercings. Your dream of a circus career will never materialize.

Pisces…The Sun will be in Venus soon. Your idea for a Mother’s Day gift is practical. But does she really need a post hole digger?

BTW… Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Stop Flying in the House (corrected)


How many times have I told you kids, no flying in the house?

TV Land is Eight Grand


LG says in May, it will roll out a groundbreaking 55-inch OLED TV for around $8000. Hmmm.

Here’s what I think about that…

The TV a young man once had,

Was always making him mad,

He spent 8K bucks.

On a LG deluxe,

Now he’s broke and awfully sad.

Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 1st, 2012


Aries… Relax. Your friends and family don’t know you’re sleeping with a veal cutlet.

Taurus… Chin up. Your Neptune in Aries says you’ll have an exciting evening with a set of twins as you discuss Proust with them.

Gemini…  Your fame will increase triple fold when you announce opening chess gambits in your neighbor’s underwear.

Cancer… Someone in a gorilla suit will steal your egg salad recipe.

Leo… Hold on to your undies. A big wind is coming your way

Virgo… Relax. There’s no monster under your bed. He’s now hiding in the closet.

Libra… Mercury will be in retrograde soon. Be ready for an influx of insurance salesmen in your neighborhood next Saturday AM.

Scorpio… Your sun sign is on the cusp. Use liberal amounts of hand sanitizer on, you know where. That should clear up, you know what.

Sagittarius… Watch out for planetary transits. The transit workers are about to go on strike demanding free daily Horrorscopes.

Capricorn… Soon your health will be in jeopardy, or maybe LINGO, but definitely on The Game Show Network.

Aquarius… You may have a detached retina now, but soon it will warm up to you.

Pisces…A stranger wearing only lasagna will ask you for a date.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

They’re everywhere.


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