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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Aug 19th, 2012


Aries… Uranus is unfavorable now. You should be aware that a curmudgeon is in your future.

Taurus… Mars is trine with itself. You will be arrested for eating arch supports in public.

Gemini… Saturn is in its seventh house for a house warming party. You won’t be happy when you discover that your cell phone has cellulite.

Leo… Venus is in opposition to Mars now. Your morning breath will soon become a military weapon.

Virgo… Pluto is having a flea problem at the moment. You will have a lot to explain when you start coughing up fur balls.

Libra… Mercury is fuming over an argument with the sun. Your idea for a new parlor game will fail. Do you really expect people to compete in Chia Pet grooming?

Scorpio… Uranus is on the cusp with its second house. A urinary infection is in your future.

Sagittarius… The Earth is mutable now. Your collection of belly button lint will not sell for much at the auction.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in opposition to Pluto. You will be trampled on by a flash mob of dancing taxidermists.

Aquarius… The sun is trine with Uranus this week. Your heart throb will be plagued by the heartbreak of psoriasis.

Pisces…The moon is on the cusp with Saturn. People may call you swell, but it’s just because you’re retaining water.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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horoscope, The future

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Aug 12th, 2012


Aries… Mars is firm about this: Stay away from German cuisine this week. You will sneeze every time you hear someone say Braunschweiger, or Dennis Miller.

Taurus…The sun is in juxtaposition with itself. You will be safe this week. Your enemies will be giving enemas to each other.

Gemini…The stars have a warning for you. Your idea for a town constructed entirely of bras will fail. The city will eventually go bust.

Cancer… Mercury is flirting with a new comet. Living in the present is good, if the present itself is expensive. Think about it.

Leo… Neptune is out of tune this week. Live each day as though it has just twenty four hours.

Virgo… Pluto has suddenly gone wild, and it isn’t even Spring Break. Stop being negative about your photos. So what if you are over exposed.

Libra… The moon is in a blue mood now. You will foxtrot in a farce with a ferret.

Scorpio…Earth is in trine and on the cusp with Pluto. Your life will be as simple as an Escher drawing.

Sagittarius… Venus is on the wagon this week after a bad hangover. You will have the urge to talk dirty to a mud pie.

Capricorn… Uranus is suffering from hemorrhoids at the moment. Expect the unexpected this week. Who knows, it just might happen.

Aquarius…Mars is in its second house fixing a plumbing problem. You will do a jig with a gerbil in your pajamas.

Pisces… Saturn is square all around. Don’t play chicken with a freight train. You may get your feathers ruffled.

 And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 15th, 2012


Aries… The planets are misaligned right now. Don’t go into the woods this week. If you do, the trees will call you a sap.

Taurus… Mars is square with Pluto. Face it. It’s true. Your only association with physical activity is when your nose runs.

Gemini… Mercury is rising. You will have the urge to go where no man has gone before. Bring lots of toilet tissue.

Cancer… Uranus and Saturn are square now. You may like all Pisces, but who’s going to clean the fish bowl, Dennis Miller?

Leo… The sun is in the fifth house, and the air conditioning is broken. You might run into some money soon. Stay away from bank parking lots.

Virgo… Mercury is mutable for you right now. Your statement, “You, me, and the otter.” will not gain prominence until you are released from the asylum.

Libra… Pluto is tired of being left alone in the house all day. Stay away from all Leos. They’ll eat you alive.

Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp with the moon in Miami. You will be enchanted by a complement given to you this week. Let’s hope you like octogenarians.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in the ninth house and is mutable right now. You are not losing your hair. You’ll find it on your pillow, in your drains, in your comb, and in your brush.

Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition with its ninth house. This is not a good week to pitch your idea for Dandruff Art to Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Venus is trine with Pluto. You will receive a huge amount of money this week. Are you familiar with the Zimbabwean Dollar?

Pisces…Mars is in its twelfth house painting the walls. A change of lifestyle may be in order. Join the French Foreign Legion.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deepsignificance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Astrology, horoscope, Humor

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Your “Horror”- scope for the week of July 1st, 2012


Aries… Neptune is slowly rising after an all-nighter. A chuckling chipmunk will nip you on your neck while you sit on a park bench.

Taurus… Saturn wants to give a ring to Uranus. A cocky cockroach will offer a crooked smile from your cereal bowl this week.

Gemini… Mars is in retrograde again. Buy lots of facial tissues. Soon you will be stalked by a town crier in his pajamas.

Cancer…. Your ruling celestial body, the moon, wants to abdicate. Stay away from mahjong tiles and Dennis Miller this week.

Leo… Pluto is suing over being demoted from planet status. Get ready for some fun, if you like porcupines in bed with you.

Virgo… Earth is in trine with the moon. It’s time to throw out that leftover egg salad sandwich under your couch cushions.

Libra… Mercury is taking a week off and phoned in its prediction. You will continuously pirouette while looking for your nemesis.

Scorpio…Saturn is in opposition to Mars. Time to take those marshmallows out of your ears.

Sagittarius… A new moon in conjunction with Saturn indicates you should cooperate with your enemies. After all, they are your parents.

Capricorn…Venus is dominant right now. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour.

Aquarius… Uranus is about to go in transit with Mercury. Stop playing dumb. There is no need for it. Everyone knows your SAT scores.

Pisces…Pices is heading south for the winter. Heed this warning. If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he’ll probably lose your favorite lure.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Astrology, Astronomy, Developments, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, Planets, problelms

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Your “Horror”- scope for the week of June 24th, 2012


Love is in the air this week as the planets do some dirty orbiting with each other  in space.

Aries… Your moon has reached its zenith. You will co–star in a movie with a gerbil and fall madly in love with it.

Taurus… Mars forgot Uranus’ birthday again this year. It could get nasty. Your partner will be happy when you dress up as a ferret for your upcoming anniversary.

Gemini…  Mercury is angry with Venus over who misplaced the high SPF sun blocker. Pack your bags. You will elope with an Armenian hairdresser.

Cancer… Earth is in opposition with the second moon of Neptune. Your desire to win over a wombat at the local zoo will meet with success.

Leo… The Earth’s moon, Luna is ecliptic at the moment. It’s time for a new relationship, but first take the tuna fish out of your pockets.

Virgo… The sun is on the cusp of Phobos, a moon of Mars. You will be so fascinated with a car wash attendant, you’ll want to know every detail of his life.

Libra… Jupiter is aligned with the Earth this week. You will discover the rewards of divorce when you date a dromedary.

Scorpio… Uranus will be attending an AA meeting this week. You will be bored by a boar in your bedroom. Bring plenty of DVDs and popcorn.

Sagittarius… Jupiter’s great red spot will be mistaken for a wart. You will fall in love with a Polish conscientious objector and move to Krakow.

Capricorn… Aries and Taurus are crossed at the moment. You will date a radical racoon.

Aquarius… Neptune is nearing its tenth house. Your date with a mad masseuse will leave you feeling tired and greasy.

Pisces…Pluto is equilateral with Neptune’s moon Despina. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour. You will seek the advice of Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Planets, Predictions

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 17th, 2012


Aries… Mercury will be opposition with Venus. You’ll be up all night this week listening to their arguing.

Taurus… Soon the Earth will be in trine with Mars. Your best bet for love will be the goat herder.

Gemini… Neptune is tangent to Leo. Polish your swords. Get some new tats. You will soon discover a rewarding career opportunity as a side show entertainer.

Cancer… Venus is keeping a low profile after party crashing at the White house. Your potential as an athlete will be revealed when you become a life guard for dumpster divers.

Leo… The lion is on the prowl. You will be avatar’d and feathered while on line this week.

Virgo… The seventh moon is in the eight house. You will awaken to find yourself on a mammoth mound of manure.

Libra… Mercury is in transit and on the cusp of Pices. A crazed kleptomaniac will steal your gums while you sleep.

Scorpio… A lunar retrograde is near. Your enemies are closing in on you. You must hide in the folds of a fat gerbil, or in Dennis Miller’s beard.

Sagittarius… The sun is in trine with Venus. You will be persecuted unmercifully by a paranoid pigeon

Capricorn… The moon will soon transit Jupiter and Mercury. You are going to find an inch worm in your foot long hot dog.

Aquarius… Saturn’s transit near the moon indicates you will be run over by a terrible troll on a tricycle.

Pisces…Uranus is in conjunction with Aries. A crazed centaur will ransack your residence.

 

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his hit song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Observations, Predictions, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 10th, 2012


Aries… Mercury is in trine with Venus. Your arches will sue you for non support.

Taurus… You will laugh uncontrollably when someone whispers the word “uggums” in your ear.

Gemini…  Mercury, Venus, and Neptune form a perfect triangle. You will lose millions on your idea for feeding chickens food coloring just before Easter so they’d lay colored eggs.

Cancer… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars. You will awaken to find yourself in a Rock quarry with Steven Tyler.

Leo… Neptune is rising near its cusp with Mercury. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.

Virgo… The celestial sphere is angry with you over that twenty dollars you borrowed? Quick! Get to the nearest ATM.

Libra… Your moon is in conjunction with Earth. You will be attracted to someone’s large, hairy underarms which are home for a tribe of garden gnomes.

Scorpio… The rings of Saturn are leaving are leaving a green stain in space. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.

Sagittarius… Mars reveals that your future is unfavorable now. Hide under you bed clutching a large wombat dressed in Dennis Miller’s underwear.

Capricorn… A full moon in Virgo indicates you will date a man in a gorilla suit. Be sure to bring lots of bananas.

Aquarius… Mars will be in conjunction with the moon soon, check for scorpions in your couch cushions.

Pisces…Neptune is ascending, be sure to soak your head in the salad dressing of your choice.

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Planets, Predictions, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 3rd, 2012


Aries… Pluto and Mars are feuding again. You will find a note in your cereal. Follow it to the letter. Bring three forms of identification with you.

Taurus… Venus wants to leave the Zodiac and form her own circle. Wow, what luck! You will soon discover that you are related to a wealthy mollusk.

Gemini…  Mercury is on vacation right now. He’s visiting Pluto at his summer place on Fire Island. Stay alert. You will awaken to find yourself swimming in a vat of hollandaise sauce.

Cancer… Saturn is up to no good. You will soon meet a rapper who will teach you how to rhyme in Rumanian.

Leo… The lion, which dominates your sign, ate a large bird. His in a foul mood. It’s an indication you should give your BFF another chance. Even goats need a little loving now and then.

Virgo… Pices the Fish is in your house. Smell it? There’s a good chance you will fall in love with a mullet.

Libra… Saturn is excited over a smile from Mars. Too bad for you. You’ll miss a week of work after you slip and fall on someone’s oily T-zone.

Scorpio… Pluto is flirting with Uranus again. Feel free to dunk your head in a bowl of cake batter this week.

Sagittarius… Mars is mutable and in trine with Neptune. You will be kidnapped by a gang of angry gerbils.

Capricorn… Saturn is in line with Mercury this week. This is a rare event. You will have the unstoppable urge to shout the word “thighs” in public.

Aquarius… Neptune and Jupiter are arguing over which one should pick up the check at dinner. You will find yourself the center of attention when you arrive at work dressed as a newt.

Pisces…Venus is in a stinky mood. She’s prepping for a colonoscopy. That is a bad sign. You will be locked in a closet by a garden gnome. All the air will be removed with a straw.

Remember what Weird Al says about Astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Lifestyles, Observations, Predictions, Relationships, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 27th, 2012


Aries… Mars was in transit with the moon, but was thrown off the bus for being rowdy. You will be locked in a dungeon with an insurance salesman for an entire weekend.

Taurus…Venus is aligned with the opposition over Congressional Redistricting. A pot bellied pig will leave cracker crumbs in your bed.

Gemini…  The Twins in your sign are feuding again over who was born first. Your plans for converting New Schwanstein Castle into a theme park ride will fail.

Cancer… The crab is misaligned with Jupiter’s moon. Your enemies are on to you. To throw them off track, you must bathe in a vat of sangria with Dennis Miller.

Leo… Aquarius is leaving its fourth house and will miss its neighbors. Stop seeing that hypnotist. The ostrich eggs you’ve been sitting on will never hatch.

Virgo… The sun is trine with Neptune. You will be thrown out of a movie theater for petting a wedge of provolone cheese.

Libra…Saturn is in legal trouble with Mercury over a missing ring. A Steam Punker will steal your identity for immoral purposes.

Scorpio… Mars is in line with Neptune for a showing of My Fair Lady. Be extra careful now. You are being stalked by an aardvark.

Sagittarius…Your ruling planet, Jupiter is in its ninth house. To be safe this week, you must use the word “jowls” in every sentence spoken.

Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition to Cancer over a game of hopscotch. You will find yourself absentmindedly fondling Crenshaw melons at a local super market.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in sync. Have dinner in your underwear with a gerbil.

Pisces…Neptune now rules the seventh house with an iron fist. You must buy someone’s appendix as soon as possible.

 

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Lifestyles, Planets, Predictions, Recommendations, Steam punk, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 20th, 2012


Aries… Your ruling planet, Mars is facing an uprising from the serfs. You will find yourself very uncomfortable after your laundry comes back with too much starch.

Taurus… Venus thinks Scorpio cheated in a game of Go fish. You will soon wake up with a feeling of dread when you discover you’ve become a pound of camembert cheese.

Gemini… A Mutable Mercury is quite clear now. You have permission to frolic in creamed corn with Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Your Zodiac sign has been defaced with graffiti. Rubbing butter on your aardvark will help you both to cope with life’s problems.

Leo… Aquarius is co-tangent to your ruling sun. Consult with a mathematician on this one. It forecasts stochastics in your life.

Scorpio… Taurus is in conjunction with Mars. Take that dead herring out of your glove compartment.

Virgo… There is a negative polarity with Pices now. Once again it’s time to spread strawberry preserves on your jowls.

Libra… Aries is in the seventh house for a Tupperware party. You will be arrested for illegal possession of an anchovy.

Sagittarius…Jupiter is opposite Neptune on your chart. A Congressman will accuse your spleen of treason.

Capricorn… Saturn and Venus are at odds again. You better polish your forehead with Turtle Wax to avoid the fallout.

Aquarius…Uranus and Saturn are both in the seventh house.  You will soon find yourself locked in a Sponge Bob lunchbox.

Pisces… Neptune and Jupiter are plotting against you. Quick! Attend a costume party dressed as an eel.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would haveto be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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