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Authorities Arrest Australian Animal Abuser


Australian man in trouble with RSPCA for riding an emu.

An Australian farmer who filmed himself riding an emu and posted the footage on the internet is being investigated by authorities for cruelty to animals.

A Queensland man who posted videos of himself riding an emu, and using a live calf and dead pig as part of his exercise routine, could be charged with animal cruelty offences.

“What most overseas people get confused about Australia is they think we ride kangaroos to work, but in actual fact we ride emus,” he says in the video.

The man, identified on his Facebook page as Jack Mcmillan, then proceeds to ride “Betsy” the emu whilst shouting, “righto girl let’s go, off to work we go!”

Biosecurity Queensland says it received the footage from the RSPCA and it’s being assessed to determine the most appropriate action to take under the Animal Care and Protection Act 2001.

The Mr. Mcmillan later defended his actions in a Facebook post, saying he’d rescued the emu.

“So it turns out someone thought my video of the emu was that good they thought (sic) they should let the coppas no (sic),” he wrote.

“Just to clear up if it wasn’t for me that emu would of being (sic) dead right now as it was tangled up in a barb wire fence and I cut it out and made a video.”

A spokeswoman has told AAP the maximum penalty for animal cruelty in Queensland is $220,000 (£121,218) or two years imprisonment.

Found @:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/10493357/Australian-man-in-trouble-with-RSPCA-for-riding-an-emu.html

Hmmm…

Some guy was riding a bird,
That’s something I’ve never heard;
It happened down under,
It was a real blunder,
You don’t have to take my word.

He put a vid on YouTube
He’s truly is a real boob;
The world saw his stunt,
I can’t be more blunt,
Some think he’s a real live rube.

He thinks he’s within his rights,
He rescued the bird not in flight;
It was caught in barbed wire,
The situation was dire,
I think the guy isn’t too bright.

He’s charged with being too cruel,
To an animal that is the rule;
He might pay a fine,
Cause he crossed the line,
He shouldn’t have been such a fool.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Biggest Bowel Bacteria Baffling


Study Reveals American Intestinal Bacteria Most Obese In World!

SEATTLE—A study published Tuesday by the University of Washington revealed that the gastrointestinal bacteria of American citizens are the most obese in the world.

“We found that American intestinal microorganisms consume an unhealthy diet rich in sugars, fats, and processed foods, and as a result, tend to be severely overweight compared to international averages,” said researcher Benjamin Singh, highlighting electron microscope images of American Bifidobacteria cultures that showed their bulging plasma membranes and thick layers of internal cytoplasm.

“Indeed, most intestinal microbes residing in U.S. residents had difficulty propelling themselves around the GI tract with their flagella and spent most of their time ingesting saccharides in the same stationary position in the gut, which leaves them at high risk for chronic health problems and a shorter life cycle overall.”

Singh added that there was little hope of curbing the obesity epidemic in the near future, noting that most American intestinal bacteria live in areas where nutritious food options simply are not available.

Found at: http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-american-intestinal-bacteria-most-obese-in-w,34614/

Hmmm…

Americans have real big germs,
They got them on their fatty terms;
They can’t move around,
In places they’re found,
The thought of it all makes me squirm,

They’re gobbling up too many sweets,
From people who eat lots of treats;
They’re awfully obese,
From sugars and grease,
They really should watch what they eat.

They lie around down in the gut,
They seem to be in quite a rut;
They eat and get fat,
Enough said about that,
It’s something that we can’t rebut;

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Cashier Causes Customer Consternation


It Almost As If A Rite Aid Cashier Doesn’t Care About The Reputation Of Rite Aid Corporation.

PEORIA, IL—

Citing the man’s wrinkled uniform and detached attitude, Rite Aid patrons surmised Thursday that, if appearances could be believed, it would almost seem as though cashier Gabriel Morales was wholly unconcerned with the reputation and overall corporate health of the third largest retail pharmacy chain in the United States.

“I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, but his body language and general behavior might nearly imply that he has little or no regard for the history of the Rite Aid corporation and the image that it wants to project to the world,” said pharmacy customer Michael Valetta of the 39-year-old Rite Aid employee.

“Honestly, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was just treating this job as—how should I put this—well, almost like it were any other minimum wage retail job rather than an esteemed position at one of America’s most beloved, time-honored companies,” Valetta continued.

Valetta noted that Morales’ nonexistent greeting, slow response time, and general air of indifference all but pointed to the conclusion that he perhaps did not see himself as a representative of the Rite Aid brand who has been tasked with upholding that company’s sense of tradition and character.

At press time, customers were baffled to note Morales smoking outside of the store while on a break, as though he wasn’t the public face of the country’s premier purveyor of pharmacy, health, and wellness services.

Found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/it-almost-as-if-rite-aid-cashier-doesnt-care-about,34562/

Hmmm…

A disheveled guy at Rite Aid,
Does he deserve to get paid?
He’s got a real “tude”,
Don’t know if he’s rude,
He doesn’t care how he’s displayed.

He’s not a “company” guy,
The customers duly cry;
He’s kind of blasé,
The shoppers all say,
The culprit had no reply.

Will he continue to work at the store?
Can the customers take any more?
Will he try a small smile?
And change his bad style?
Or will the management show him the door?

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Sucking Suggestion Spreads Sickness


CAUTION…Read this at your own risk!

The Onion News Reports the Following…

Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob

WASHINGTON—

According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.

“At the Centers for Disease Contraction, we are always looking for ways Americans can get sick and spread their illnesses effectively,” said CDC Director Dr. Benjamin Campbell, adding that by sucking on doorknobs citizens could increase their chances of acquiring infectious diseases and bacterial illnesses by 450 percent.

“So if you aren’t currently suffering from the common cold or the flu, we urge you to find a doorknob in a high-traffic area, place your mouth on it, and begin sucking. Suck on it for five minutes, stop, spit on your fingers, and then rub the contaminated saliva into your eyes and nose. Then breathe on as many people as possible. Repeat this process upwards of 10 times or until you experience fever, nausea, or sharp stomach pains.”

“This is an excellent way to make yourselves susceptible to numerous illnesses including acute gastroenteritis, toxoplasmosis, and trachoma,” Campbell continued. “Please, suck on dirty doorknobs. This is your health we’re talking about.”

Saying that their goal is to keep pathogens inside the body as long as possible so they are able to do as much damage as possible, Centers for Disease Contraction officials noted that the more bacteria, fungi, and viruses that enter the digestive system, the more likely it is for an individual to acquire a debilitating urinary tract infection, tuberculosis, or even mumps.

While the report didn’t say it was absolutely necessary, it strongly recommended “group spit mixing,” in which 15 to 20 individuals stand around one single doorknob—preferably on a McDonald’s or Starbucks restroom door—and take turns sucking on it.

If a doorknob is not immediately available, the CDC said Americans could also suck on subway car poles; subway car seats; boots; pets; discarded cigarette butts; sidewalks, specifically in places where gum is stuck to the ground; rabid animals; garbage; scuzzy pond water; dirt; sauce-splattered plates; the open sores of bed-ridden sick people; and welcome mats.

“If one wants to lick the inside of a fireplace for several hours in order to contract a high fever that leads to prolonged vomiting, that’s also okay, just as long as it’s a fireplace that hasn’t been cleaned in over 20 years and has a lot of cobwebs inside of it,” said a glassy-eyed and visibly pale CDC official. “We just know that doorknobs are readily accessible, and we want Americans to feel as if the contraction of harmful diseases can be easy and quick.”

Found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/centers-for-disease-contraction-urges-americans-to,34422/

Hmmm…

They want you to suck on a knob,

Leave spit on it just like a slob;

Once you get your fill,

It will make you ill,

Your heart will just flutter and throb.

A restroom knob may be the best,

Open wide; let germs do the rest;

Bacteria abound,

On knobs all around,

Not sure? Just put it to the test.

In time you will be a hurtin’,

Like something from old Tim Burton;

Swap spit, lick a seat,

The floor holds a treat,

It may be your final curtain.

This story just may be a hoax,

A cruel and horrible joke;

Who wants to die?

Is the human cry,

Lick a knob and you may just croak.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Lonely Liar’s Litany of Ludicrous Lies


BOSTON—

“While speaking with his mother over the phone Monday evening, sources confirmed that 27-year-old marketing coordinator Daniel Hewitt lied about every single detail of his life in order to keep his parents from worrying about him.

Hewitt reportedly updated his mother with a litany of false information throughout the 18-minute conversation and, in an attempt to spare her from any distress, blatantly distorted the truth about his job, finances, social life, living situation, and overall level of happiness.

“Everything’s good here,” said Hewitt in the first of what would amount to over three dozen flat-out lies. “Work has been going well. It’s fun, and everyone at the office is really nice. I’m learning a lot.”

“I really love it out here,” Hewitt continued. “It’s great.”

Hewitt, who moved this past September from Bloomington, IL to Boston for a new job, is said to receive a phone call from home about once a week and has reportedly struggled to adjust to his new surroundings, feeling increasingly lonely and isolated. However, sources confirmed that the man who regularly questions whether he made a poor decision by relocating across the country has yet to report even one negative aspect of his life to his parents.

“My apartment’s great—it’s nice and big, so I have plenty of room,” said Hewitt, adding that his monthly rent is “pretty reasonable” and that he lives in “a really safe area” of the city. “Yeah, the heat works well, Mom—it’s nice and warm in here. And if there’s ever any problem, my landlord is very responsive and fixes things right away.”

“So, what have you and Dad been up to these days?” added Hewitt in a desperate attempt to steer the conversation away from himself.

According to reports, in order to prevent his parents from fretting about his financial situation, Hewitt vaguely claimed to be “making enough money” and “saving a little bit each month.” The 27-year-old went on to stress that he was in no need of any extra finances and neglected to mention that he currently has less than $400 in his savings account.

Hewitt, who has reportedly eaten frozen pizza for dinner four times this week and spends virtually every night after work zoning out in front of his television, then told his mother that he “started going to a gym recently.” Sources said that after he was asked about his company’s health care plan, Hewitt remained totally silent for several seconds before quickly muttering, “It’s good, really good.”

“I’ve made plenty of friends here in the last few months,” said Hewitt, reportedly doing his best to hide his congested voice so as not to alert his mother that he recently caught a cold. “I hang out with them all the time. We go out together and do all sorts of stuff. I’m definitely having a lot of fun.”

“I’m doing fine,” Hewitt added. “I’m really fine.”

Rather than explain that he spent the past weekend alone in his apartment sleeping until the late afternoon and then playing video games, Hewitt went on to say that he has “been seeing all the sights in Boston,” claiming that he has already visited a museum and that he went to a Bruins game the other week.

Fearing that she would discover the actual, authentic realities of his life, Hewitt then politely rejected his mother’s offer to come visit him, reportedly claiming that “now isn’t the best time, but maybe in a few months.”

“I’ll be sure to call you if I need anything,” lied Hewitt as the phone call drew to a close. “I actually have to get going, though. I have plans with some friends tonight.”

“Miss you, too,” added Hewitt quickly in his only moment of genuine honesty.”

Found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/27yearold-lies-about-every-single-aspect-of-his-li,34382/

Hmmm…

A young guy just keeps on lying,

To keep his mother from crying;

He’s having bad luck,

In a town where he’s stuck,

Without work it’s certainly trying.

 

He says he is doing okay,

When he calls his mother each day;

The weather is fine,

He’s got money to dine,

He’s certainly willing to stay.

 

Boston is where he is dwelling,

Making up lies that he’s telling;

Nothing is wrong,

Is his daily song,

Lying has gotten compelling.

 

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Town Traps Threatening Thief


Neighbors trap thief in car he tries to steal.

Swansea, England

“A car thief gets trapped by Swansea residents inside the vehicle he was trying to steal, afterwards, he asks the owner’s neighbours to move their car so that he could make his escape.

Matthew Draper, aged 27, of Carmarthen Road was caught by a group of neighbours trying to steal a Smart Roadster in Swansea.

They held the doors of the vehicle shut, despite Draper threatening them with a screwdriver, so that he could not escape and waited for the police to arrive.

Draper pleaded guilty at Swansea Crown Court criminal damage and theft.

He has a number of previous convictions including offences of assault, shoplifting and burglary. He was jailed for 32 months.”

Found at

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/10375307/Neighbours-trap-thief-in-car-he-tried-to-steal.html

Hmmm…

A guy tried to steal a nice car,

But he didn’t get very far;

Some neighbors got riled,

The guy was beguiled,

Now he sits behind iron bars.

 

He threatened his captors with harm,

But the people weren’t alarmed,

He had a sharp tool,

He was acting cruel,

He found himself quickly disarmed.

 

The man’s a professional crook,

Causing pain over things he took;

But some good Swansea neighbors,

Put an end to his labors,

There’s a video, just take a look.

 

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

WOMAN-EYE-ZING


Glib Guy Gawks Garden Gal

CLEVELAND—

“Struggling not to openly show discomfort, family members dining with local man Louis Munson sat quietly on Sunday as Munson peered intently in the direction of Olive Garden waitress Layla Martinez.

Munson, who first noticed the 23-year-old brunette as she walked past carrying another table’s pasta entrees, reportedly gazed at her for approximately 12 seconds, lingering on certain features of her anatomy while his fully aware wife, two sons, and daughter watched in silence.

Though the family’s unease had largely passed by the end of the meal, sources say it was re-sparked when Munson suddenly noticed Martinez from across the restaurant bending down to tie her shoe.”

Found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/family-watches-in-silence-as-dad-checks-out-waitre,34215/

Hmmm…

A fam watched their dad woman staring,

To the man it might have been daring;

He checked out her bod

Like a lech or a clod,

I’m not sure how they are now faring.

 

He did it in front of his kin,

He deserved a kick in the shin;

He looked at her curves,

The guy had some nerve,

Did his kids think it was a sin?

 

The woman was serving some food,

She was clearly not in the mood,

For a guy with a stare,

At her body and hair,

I’m sure she thought it was rude.

 

Does this guy gaze at women a lot?

Gawking women who look very hot;

In front of his wife,

My God, get a life,

Guess he doesn’t care if he gets caught.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

New Gas…


 

Gas Gadget Gives Glorious Gazings

LOS GATOS, CA—

According to the Onion, “Netflix unveiled its brand-new fume-based streaming service Monday, finally allowing its nearly 26 million worldwide subscribers to instantly inhale multiple seasons of their favorite television shows in just one sitting, company sources confirmed.”

“With Netflix Gas, we’re really hoping to tap into a demographic that’s a little more fast-paced, a little more on-the-go, and that just wants to sit down whenever they have the chance and breathe in three or four seasons of, say, Fringe in less than 10 seconds,” said company spokesperson Brian Cohn.

“The new service is $11.99 per month and comes with a complimentary Entertainment Mask that fits comfortably over users’ mouths and—via a combination of nitrous oxide, vaporized ether, and the gaseous state of the entire series of Sports Night—allows them to transmit all 45 episodes of the show directly into their bloodstreams and into their brains.”

“Frankly, we think this distribution model is going to be the future of how Americans watch television.” Reports indicate that the media company has already approached director Sam Mendes to create an original drama series based on the life of Al Capone solely for Netflix Gas.”

Hmmm…

A season of TV in gas?

Getting caught up with the past;

You breath TV in,

And sit with a grin,

I think it’s something I’ll pass.

A whole season in just a whiff,

Can TV be something you sniff?

You sit in a chair,

And breath in the air,

You can have “Fringe” in a jiff!

Netflix has got this new deal,

To me it doesn’t seem real;

Twelve shows right away,

Instead of a day,

To some it will have great appeal.

Story found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-netflix-gas-lets-users-inhale-multiple-seasons,33992/?ref=auto

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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