Hello good folks of Horror-Scope land.
Well, we are one week closer to All Hallows Eve.
Hopefully you are making preparations for the event as you read this.
If not, we suggest that you do.
After all, you don’t want to find yourself pumpkin-less or candy-less.
So be a good scout and be prepared.
Based on the latest scientific observations, and chart readings by two turtles and a tadpole, this week’s offerings takes us from bras to burlyness.
Aries… Mars is on the cusp of Aries now. For some reason, it is nervous about that and is taking Xanax. That’s not good for you. Take note of this. In the not too distant future, you will try to play the guitar, but you will fret over the frets. That’s as far as you will get.
Taurus…Venus is upset over a speeding ticket it got from the Solar Police. It may just consult a space lawyer about it. This isn’t the best of scenarios for you. In the future, you will buy a truck, run out of luck, then get stuck when you run amuck.
Gemini… Mercury is suffering from mercury poisoning at this time. This is bad for you. Now hear this. In the future, an earwig will do a percussion solo on your eardrum. You’ll eventually call the police when the drumming keeps you up all night, but they won’t be able to do anything about it.
Cancer… The Moon is in its seventh house rearranging some moon landing souvenirs it has collected. Get ready to meet an historical figure, with a figure. In the future, someone shapely, named Cleopatra will patronize you in Patagonia on St. Patrick’s Day. Let us know how that turns out.
Leo…The Sun is getting ready to shoot another solar flare. This usually isn’t too good. This one’s for the birds. In the future, a seasoned seagull will make you truly gullible, after it poops on you. There must be something in those droppings.
Virgo…Mercury is descending now and isn’t happy about it. This isn’t good for you. It will cause the designer in you to awaken. In the future, you will have the urge to change all polkadots into a new design called, polka-squares. You will be ridiculed for it.
Libra…The Earth is square with Libra now. Gather some cash. In the future, you will bring a sports bra to a sports bar to watch sporting events with you. The bra will insist on betting on its favorite teams. You will lose a lot of money.
Scorpio… Uranus is in its fifth house talking to a boring insurance salesman. This is bad, really bad. Get ready for some solar activity. In the distant future, you will blindly make the mistake of starting a staring contest with the sun. Aye Yai Yai. You’ll lose big time.
Sagittarius… Saturn is in its second house writing a proposal for a zoning change. This isn’t the best situation for you. Can you cluck yourself to success? Probably not. In near the future, you will apply for a position as a chicken feather inspector at a pillow factory. If you accept the job, you will eventually sneeze yourself into oblivion.
Capricorn… Pluto is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. This isn’t too good for you. Prepare yourself for some odd looks and a lot of weird comments. In the not too distant future, you will get confused and refer to Gatorade as an animal rescue service.
Aquarius… Neptune is in its third house now, having some new lighting installed. This is not good. Be prepared to do nothing. In the future, you will become extremely lethargic in Rapid City. This could lead to serious muscle atrophy, and a desire to listen to Dennis Miller on the radio.
Pisces… Jupiter is in counseling for a gambling habit. That’s not good. Be prepared to create a masterpiece. In the future, you will spend a year or more writing a book called, “How To Be Burly For Fun And Profit”. It will not get many good reviews. Your profit will be about $1.39.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
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