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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: October 12th, 2014


astrology

 

Hello good folks of Horror-Scope land.

Well, we are one week closer to All Hallows Eve.

Hopefully you are making preparations for the event as you read this.

If not, we suggest that you do.

After all, you don’t want to find yourself pumpkin-less or candy-less.

So be a good scout and be prepared.

Based on the latest scientific observations, and chart readings by two turtles and a tadpole, this week’s offerings takes us from bras to burlyness.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is on the cusp of Aries now. For some reason, it is nervous about that and is taking Xanax. That’s not good for you. Take note of this. In the not too distant future, you will try to play the guitar, but you will fret over the frets. That’s as far as you will get.

Taurus…Venus is upset over a speeding ticket it got from the Solar Police. It may just consult a space lawyer about it. This isn’t the best of scenarios for you. In the future, you will buy a truck, run out of luck, then get stuck when you run amuck.

Gemini… Mercury is suffering from mercury poisoning at this time. This is bad for you. Now hear this. In the future, an earwig will do a percussion solo on your eardrum. You’ll eventually call the police when the drumming keeps you up all night, but they won’t be able to do anything about it.

Cancer… The Moon is in its seventh house rearranging some moon landing souvenirs it has collected. Get ready to meet an historical figure, with a figure. In the future, someone shapely, named Cleopatra will patronize you in Patagonia on St. Patrick’s Day. Let us know how that turns out.

Leo…The Sun is getting ready to shoot another solar flare. This usually isn’t too good. This one’s for the birds. In the future, a seasoned seagull will make you truly gullible, after it poops on you. There must be something in those droppings.

Virgo…Mercury is descending now and isn’t happy about it. This isn’t good for you. It will cause the designer in you to awaken. In the future, you will have the urge to change all polkadots into a new design called, polka-squares. You will be ridiculed for it.

Libra…The Earth is square with Libra now. Gather some cash. In the future, you will bring a sports bra to a sports bar to watch sporting events with you. The bra will insist on betting on its favorite teams. You will lose a lot of money.

Scorpio… Uranus is in its fifth house talking to a boring insurance salesman. This is bad, really bad. Get ready for some solar activity. In the distant future, you will blindly make the mistake of starting a staring contest with the sun. Aye Yai Yai. You’ll lose big time.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in its second house writing a proposal for a zoning change. This isn’t the best situation for you. Can you cluck yourself to success? Probably not. In near the future, you will apply for a position as a chicken feather inspector at a pillow factory. If you accept the job, you will eventually sneeze yourself into oblivion.

Capricorn… Pluto is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. This isn’t too good for you. Prepare yourself for some odd looks and a lot of weird comments. In the not too distant future, you will get confused and refer to Gatorade as an animal rescue service.

Aquarius… Neptune is in its third house now, having some new lighting installed. This is not good. Be prepared to do nothing. In the future, you will become extremely lethargic in Rapid City. This could lead to serious muscle atrophy, and a desire to listen to Dennis Miller on the radio.

Pisces… Jupiter is in counseling for a gambling habit. That’s not good. Be prepared to create a masterpiece. In the future, you will spend a year or more writing a book called, “How To Be Burly For Fun And Profit”. It will not get many good reviews. Your profit will be about $1.39.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Medical Media Malpractice


Doctors and Medical Students are being told they shouldn’t use Facebook or other social media sites.

Security experts believe they could unwittingly break the doctor-patient confidentiality if they discuss patients’ medical problems.

Personally I don’t want my colonoscopy photos on Facebook.

That would be the end of me.

Hmmm…

Med people cannot go a tweeting,

Or Facebook to post a new greeting;

They can’t break their trust,

That’s really a must,

Even if a patient is bleeding.

Akinator Acts Accurately


Using deductive reasoning and the vast knowledge of the Internet, this website’s computer  can guess your thoughts.

Akinator, the Web Genius, is a very clever genie whose sole purpose is to determine what fictional or non-fictional character you’re thinking of.

She’s got a remarkable rate of success.

Just answer her Yes/No/Maybe questions, and in no time she’ll be able to deduce your character.

 

Hmmm…

The Akinator guesses your thoughts,

She’s smarter than most of the bots;

Just say yes or say no,

It will help her to know,

Then she’ll find the answer she sought.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 29th, 2012


Aries… The moon is trine with the river Rhine. You will have the urge to use the word aardvark in every sentence you speak this week.

Taurus… The sun has crossed the elliptic of Uranus. You’d better increase that SPF rating to at least 95, or stand in Dennis Miller’s shadow.

Gemini… Neptune is trine with Earth this week. Be on the alert. Your enemies want to stuff you into an olive.

Cancer… Mars is square with Pluto now. Go already. Meet his parents. They say the undead can be a lot of fun once you get to know them.

Leo… Saturn is on the cusp of Venus. Your idea for ear wax sculpture will not receive a favorable hearing.

Virgo… Earth’s moon is waxing at an auto detailing shop.  Do not fear. We’re not egg-xaggerating when we say sleeping with free range chickens maybe relaxing.

Libra… Venus is trine with Mercury now. If life gets your down, follow the bats and hang in there.

Scorpio… Mercury is aligned with Mars.  If you really desire a private life, join the Army.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable this week. You will have the uncontrollable urge to shout, “Jowls” before and after meals.

Capricorn… Pluto is in opposition to its cusp with Venus. Your plan for a computer date will go wrong when you’re hooked up with a Commodore VIC-20.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in conjunction at this moment. Stop all tweeting. You’re confusing the neighborhood birds.

Pisces… The planets say you are wise, gentle and, musical. But your IQ is slightly under that of a rubber ducky.

 

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Yummy!


Here’s something I wrote a few years back. It was an entry for Video Maker Magazine’s, Short Video Contest. It won second prize. Its had quite a few views on YouTube over the years. It’s a spoof of late night TV commercials. Hope you like it.

CAVEAT…It’s not for the faint of heart. Animal lovers may not like it, but it’s part of the circle of life.

I hope this works. I haven’t tried to insert a video link before.

It’s called, “The Roadkill Grill”.

Thanks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMkXxmAfQaE

California’s Drunken Spending Spree!


News Flash… California is SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS in the RED.

Hold on to your wallets.

California’s Gov., Jerry Brown made a pitch to voters for TAX HIKES and deeper spending cuts. I guess he doesn’t realize that people (and their money) are fleeing California for tax friendlier places. Spending cuts? Dream on Jerry.

Californians, you got what you asked for when you re-elected J.B.

Socialism is great until you run out of other people’s money!

Hmmm…

California is now out of money,

To me that is awfully funny,

They spend more than they make,

Millions still on the “take”,

I guess CA is not very sunny.

Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 13th, 2012


Aries… Venus is upset with Mars because he hasn’t called her after their first date. Don’t make any long range plans until they make up. Stayed tuned.

Taurus… Uranus is in trine with your rubber ducky. That indicates luck. For instance, you won’t be home when that semi plows into your residence.

Gemini… Mercury is rising fast. Just hope it doesn’t get light headed. Your astrology chart indicates, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

Cancer… Your moon is in its fourth house. It’s hiding from bill collectors. Your BFF will appreciate the gift card you gave her until she discovers it’s expired.

Leo… Aquarius is blocking the sun indicating a current medical condition. Don’t panic! We checked with the Ouija board. They’re just saddle sores.

Virgo… Mercury is now mutable. How nice. You will be stalked by a Smartphone app.

Libra… Keep plenty of cash on hand. Your moon in Virgo says a man dressed in a coyote costume will ask you to break a twenty at the start of your shift.

Scorpio… Mars is traversing Jupiter’s front yard and he’s not happy about it. Under no circumstances should you go fishing with jail bait.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable now. Venus’ house is in foreclosure. Stay away from Blue-Footed Boobies.

Capricorn… Your symbol is the goat. Your moon is in the tenth house doing minor renovations in the kitchen. If you really want to make tomorrow’s headlines, go ahead and marry that hamster you’ve been dating.

Aquarius… Your ruling planets, Uranus and Saturn are practical jokesters. You will embarrass yourself this week when you fall face down onto a porcupine.

Pisces…Neptune and Jupiter are mutable now. Your urge to frolic at the beach will end in disaster when you slip on an oily fat man sunbathing. BTW, don’t ask for his autograph.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Your Horror-scope for the week of May 6th, 2012


Aries… Mars is favorable right now. Exercise will be good for you, especially after your bypass surgery.

Taurus… The Moon is in trine with Jupiter. Clean those party snacks out of your sinuses.

Gemini…  This is your lucky week. Uranus is on the cusp with Venus and she likes it. You will be invited to play whist with a retired mud wrestler who cheats at cards.

Cancer… Good news for you. Pluto is petitioning to become a planet again. Stop using that face cream on your wrinkles. Your mate loves the look of a Shar-Pei.

Leo… Aries is in cancer this week. Your musical talent will improve when you get a new kazoo.

Virgo… There’s  a Moon-Mars union in Virgo. Your love triangle will be cut short with a noisy chain saw.

Libra… The asteroid Zorgo is in opposition to Mars. You’ll finally meet the love of your life… at the gorilla encounter.

Scorpio… Saturn casts a shadow on your life. You’ll feel much better after you put Post Toasties in your underwear.

Sagittarius… Neptune has just been realigned by a car mechanic. You will not be mugged this week. But, it will happen.

Capricorn… A waxing moon indicates you will be overcome by your own flatulence.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are at odds over a poker hand. It’s time to get rid of those piercings. Your dream of a circus career will never materialize.

Pisces…The Sun will be in Venus soon. Your idea for a Mother’s Day gift is practical. But does she really need a post hole digger?

BTW… Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Superman now has competition!


A computer chip has been designed which can turn cell phones into X-ray devices. It enables the phones to see right through plastics, walls, wood, and fabric.

Now you don’t have to buy those x-ray glasses advertised in the back of comic books. And, you can foil the plans of criminals anywhere.

I guess it’s time for lead lined clothing.

Hmmm…

There is a young man I must say,

Whose phone can take mini x-rays;

It sees through your clothes,

Or right through your nose,

If I were you, I’d stay away.

Your Horrorscope for the week of April 30, 2012


Aries… Venus is nearing a new moon. The secret to your success is in your landlady’s x-rays.

Taurus… You will become famous when you prove you can eat an elephant one bite at a time.

Gemini…  Your “EX” will come crawling back on his hands and knees. He wants the twenty dollars you took from his wallet.

Cancer… Go ahead. Eat that chocolate. At this point, another box isn’t going to hurt.

Leo… Be sure to make that tennis date with your new client. It will be worth the broken elbow and scrapped knees.

Virgo… Jupiter  is nearing its cusp with a quarter moon. It’s time for new arch supports.

Libra… That pony tail looks good on you. Do you think that poor colt will miss it?

Scorpio… Mercury in trine with a new moon indicates your dry cleaner will lose your best suit.

Sagittarius… Venus is now dating Mars. You’ll find more cocktail franks in your pajamas.

Capricorn… Taking the bag off your head will get the same result…Laughs!

Aquarius… Forget the makeup. Your police mug shot will look terrible anyway.

Pisces…Your rich uncle will leave you a fortune. It’s buried somewhere on his ten thousand acre ranch.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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